We’ve all been on one side of the counter or the other. If you’ve ever worked in retail then you have probably suffered through a few of these, and if you have said these before, well then, this is a lesson to please. Just. Stop. From every cashier, back-of-house, salesperson, floor worker -- anyone who has had to suffer an ugly colored polo or T-shirt with a crappy, stick-on name tag -- this is for you guys.

“The Classics”

First, the classics that we have all grown so accustomed to and that our fake laugh and smile are already starting to form before they even finish speaking. The ones that although we have heard a million times and should be used to, crush our soul and make our eyes roll every time.

1. Customer: “Oh, it’s not scanning? It must be free!”

Me:

Probably the worst line that has ever been said. Everyone despises this joke. Don’t let the fake laughter fool you, it’s not funny and they definitely hate you.

2. Customer: “I would like to speak to the manager.”

There are two things that can happen here and both of them are beautiful.

A. The manager comes out and tells them the exact same thing you told them and so you’re like:

or...

B. You are the acting manager, supervisor, head honcho, whatever your title -- you are the one in charge at the moment and so you’re like:

3. Customer: “Well, I will never be coming back here.”

Me: "Might as well declare bankruptcy now."

Me: "Wait, no, please, we need you."

Me: "Should I beg now?"

Me:

The words are different, but the reactions are the same, we do not care. Your loss of business will not force the establishment into hard times and chances are you will be back anyway. Harsh, but true.

4. Customer: “Do you work here?”

Me: [Looks down at uniform.]

Me: "Yeah how’d you know?

Me: "No, why’d you think that?"

This one has always been a head scratcher to us all. Maybe that’s just how they thought best to start the conversation, or maybe they really just didn’t know. Whatever the reason, maybe you should start using your common sense a little more.

5. Customer: “It is such a beautiful day outside, I mean, really just gorgeous.”

Me: “I wouldn’t know.”

Me:

Why torture us? It’s bad enough that we have to be working all day, but for you to remind us about all the adventures that we could be getting into outside is just cruel.

MONEY

The next round is all about dealing with money… A.K.A. some of the worst parts of your shift. I’m not talking about the counting of it and making change -- that's easy even without the register telling us exactly what we need to do.

These experiences range from just utterly disgusting….

6. Customer: [Hands you their money and it's warm.]

Me:

It’s like sitting in someone else’s seat that just got up and it’s warm from their body heat. I can’t help but hold my breath while I count the extra flimsy bills and suspiciously cooked coins.

7. Customer: [Hands you money that is wet/damp.]

Me:

It’s hard not to grit your teeth when the bills fall into your hand and are not dry. You start to think of the reasons why it’s wet while you count it and the hair on your neck starts to stand up even higher than it already was.

8. Customer: [Pulls out their money from an "undesirable" place.]

Me:

Wow, thank you so much for not only sharing your sweat and other grossness with me, but for showing me exactly where it came from. At this point in time you might start really rethinking your life decisions leading up to this moment and dramatically scream at the sky "Why?"

To incredibly infuriating….

9. Customer: [Hands you folded/balled/crumbled money.]

Me:

I don’t know why your money is folded up into a tiny bundle, and frankly I do not care. What I care about is why you gave me the responsibility of trying to get it un-crumbled, unfolded, unrolled and straightened without ripping it. It my be small and petty, but it’s actually really annoying, so please, just stop!

10. Customer: [Throws money all over counter.]

Me: [Looks at outstretched hand and begins to slowly scoop the money up.]

Me:

Please please please please please, if our hand is out to collect your money, do not just throw it on the counter, especially change. It’s just really rude and on days when work is extra challenging and weary (almost every day) it can be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

11. Customer: [Searches all over for money for too long.]

Me:

You are in a store, usually expecting to buy some things, especially if those things are in your cart/hands and you are in line. Those said things cost money, so why on Earth have you not taken some time before we are all waiting for you to locate your money and have it ready to hand to me?

12. Me: Sorry, it didn’t go through, can you swipe it again?

Customer: Uhhh, is it gonna charge me again?

Me:

Now I am not saying this doesn’t happen..because, well, I don’t know that. But in my years of working in retail I haven’t heard about it once. If it does ever happen to you, then you will be refunded, so chill. Anyway, as we have just said… ”it didn't go through,” which usually is a clear assumption that it did not take your money. Otherwise, well, it would have worked.

…and finally just horribly awkward.

13. Credit Card Machine: [CARD DECLINED.]

Me:

Trust me, this is awkward for both of us. Chances are we know how it feels to be short money or have our card crap out on us, regardless if you have the funds or not. It sucks and we do not want to ever have to tell someone that the time they spent coming to the store, shopping and waiting in line was for nothing. Not to mention how embarrassing it can be. We feel for you on this one.

14. Customer: [Hands me the money.] “All right, there it all is.”

Me: [Begins to count money.]

Customer: “What you think I’m lying? Or just dumb?”

Me:

No, we don’t think you are stupid or lying, we are just counting it to make sure it is indeed the correct amount. Why? Well because it is our job and if our registers are off, then we get in trouble. Please calm down.

Regardless of the type of interaction it turns out to be, when we don’t have any more people ready to check out for the time being, we are usually like:

and...

The “Wait, What?”s

Finally, there are just the rest that maybe not all of us have encountered but do not fail to throw us off our mood, and baffle us at how that just even happened.

15. Customer: [Yelling at me for the price of something.]

Me: Oh, I’ll take that into consideration the next time I set the prices with the imaginary power I have.

Me:

Never will I be sure why people think that the person who is actually in the building with them has any say in, well anything. But when it comes to pricing, I can guarantee you, the employee who is on the floor or behind the register literally has no power in why something is priced like it is.

16. Customer: “Do you just love working here?”

Me:

OK, well this probably isn’t true for everyone, but let’s be honest... that’s just a stupid question if one ever existed.

17. Me: “OK, and your change is 13 cents.”

Customer: “Oh, you can go ahead and keep that.” [Smiles or winks.]

Me:

OK, so most jobs won’t even let us keep any tip or gift of any kind, so we won’t even get that, the company will. And even if we are allowed to, LOL stop acting like 13 cents or anything around it is a big deal.

18. Customer: “Oh, what time do you get off?”

Me: “Never." [Laughs, then cries for 10 minutes.]

Me:

Heartbreaking. Sometimes it really feels like we will be there for the rest of our lives. As much as you try not to look at the clock or think about the amount of time you have left, you can never really avoid the soul crushing slowness of time while you’re at work.

How ever you may react to these situations, if you are like most great retail employees, these thoughts only go through your head and come out later on when you are no longer on the clock. Whatever your thoughts may be, on the outside we probably look like this:

So here’s to the retail workers who keep their cool during their shift, but share their hilarious thoughts with us later on.