1. The danger of how we place our worth and identity.

From a young age we learn that romantic relationships are the primary source of love, belonging and happiness. As we get older our desire to find our “true love” grows stronger and as we reach our teen years we often tend to reach out for romantic relationships in an attempt to try to find a solidified sense of self-worth and identity in the foundation of our humanly needs – love. Psychologist Abraham Maslow researched and created a hierarchy of needs that lists love and belonging at the center of a pyramid depicting our humanly needs; consequently, it makes sense that even when we say we are just trying to focus on ourselves and be ourselves we still reach out for the sense of love and belonging that often comes with intimate, romantic relationships. The sooner we realize that other people will never be able to help us determine our identity and self-worth – and the sooner we stop trying to find our happiness and confidence in other people (especially within romantic relationships) – the more wholesome life we will be able to lead.

2. The danger of comparison.

One of my favorite researchers and authors, Brené Brown, mentioned a Theodore Roosevelt in her book, Rising Strong, that states “comparison is the thief of joy”. After reading her novel Rising Strong and starting a second book of hers, Daring Greatly, I realized that comparison being the thief of joy is a simple and concise metaphor for one of the youth’s greatest problems. Comparing ourselves to others is a natural response that we learn as early as elementary school. We learn that it is good to be the smartest, the most attractive, the funniest, the coolest at a very young age. The danger with comparison is that we often want to compare our behind-the-scenes with other peoples’ highlight reel. In our perfection culture with heavy social media usage, it often becomes easy to take the same notions of wanting to be the funniest, coolest, most attractive and smartest from the classroom to the online world. When we compare ourselves to the filtered, highlight-reel versions of other people we fail to realize our own strengths and abilities. We begin to play a small target in order to avoid getting hit with criticism or our own fear of inadequacy.

3. The danger of practicing shame and blame.

Brené Brown defines shame as the fear that we’re not good enough. “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable”. When we are experiencing shame it becomes really easy to shift any embarrassment or disappointment from ourselves by blaming other people. When we start blaming others, underlying roots of anger, resentment and the inability to forgive arise. Shame and blame bring nothing but negativity to the table when we try to stand out within our perfectionist culture. Brene says that shame always has a seat whether it’s from one extreme, “I am not good enough”, or the next, “Who do you think you are?”Once we strike a balance between our sense of self-worth and confidence and our ability to be humble and modest we become able to combat shame messages before they turn into blame.

5. The danger of unforgiving and resentment.

In our overtly selfish, you-do-you-I’ll-do-me culture, it is easy to want to cut people off and never practice forgiveness. We see the same frenemies or enemies and find it easier to avoid them and “sneak diss” instead of putting on a smile, killing them with kindness and “being the bigger person”. One thing we tend to forget is that, when people do wrong to us and betray us, the ability to forgive them isn’t for them it is for ourselves. When we learn how to leave resentment and grudges to the wayside and forgive people, then it frees up ourselves from negative energy spent hating and avoiding people around us. Life is complicated enough without stressing about people that don’t matter who really want to just see you fail and kick you when you’re down.

6. The danger of hiding our true self and staying quiet.

Often as we try to embrace change or when we are put in a new environment for the first time, it becomes easier to stay quiet and only expose parts of yourself while accommodating the people around you. Everyone wants to seem like the cool and convenient, low-maintenance friend that is down for anything at any time and never argues or opposes what you say. However, the danger with that is, even though many of us possess a very real fear of getting ridiculed or made fun of, it still isn’t right to play such a small target that you won’t ever get hit. When we aren’t able to share our true self with people, we are disengaged and cannot connect or have wholehearted friendships and relationships. Knowing yourself and learning to stand by who you are plays a big part in confidence and the ability to be unapologetically you. It’s time to choose courage over comfort.

7. The danger of pretending we know everything.

As we are growing up we often idealize the concept of getting older and suddenly knowing it all and having all the answers to life; however, little do we know that even though the concept of knowing all is great, it is not attainable. A lot of our having all the answers hopes turn into faking it till you make it. Even though it can seem easier to just shut people out and engage in the selfish culture, so much more can be learned, developed and understood once we learn how to converse with others and truly listen. We can learn just as much from the simple mind of a 5-year-old as we can form someone who is 70 years old. Life skills, wisdom and friendly reminders come in forms, shapes and sizes. Believe it or not, it is even good to listen to our parent even though, no they don’t get it, and yes they were born 45. We should listen twice as much as we speak.

8. The danger between selfishness and selflessness as extremes.

Often we hear that when we are young – in our late teens and early twenties – it is the perfect time to be “selfish”. However, in the extremist culture that we live in, I feel as if the people who tell us to be selfish really mean to be self-aware. At our age we all have a selfish streak in us that says we should be able to have and do whatever we want. As years go by we may realize that things may not always go our way, that doing what is fun, fast or easy won’t get you far and that there actually is value in being selfless. The danger with being either extremely selfish or extremely selfless is just that – extreme. Learning to grind on your own, be self-motivated and chase your dreams is incredibly important, but when we do get too tunnel-visioned and start thinking only about me, me, me we may feel really alone or hopeless when we experience tough times and have few to no people to talk to. Selflessness in the form of giving, understanding, forgiving, helping and sharing can be really important. Both selflessness and selfishness share some kind of value when used cohesively in moderation. Being excessively selfish is like being lost in the forest and having a compass that only points back to you; being excessively selfless is living in a dangerously vicarious way in which our own goals, hopes and dreams may be on the back burner. Yes, it is true that you can’t help anyone else until you help yourself; however, no one ever said that helping others doesn’t allow you to grow in helping yourself.

9. The danger of limiting ourselves and following the crowd.

As many of us are entering college or in the midst of being in college right now, this may be considered the “messy middle” (a Brené Brown term meant to describe the journey of life as we face hardships). In the messy middle, as we are “in the arena” it becomes more and more difficult to find ourselves successful in the midst of comparing our progress to others. As we graduate high school and take on separate paths, the definition of success serves a broader and broader area for us. There are no distinct honor cords in life past high school and college graduation, yet we create honor cords and place value in the brave things that we see others doing without giving ourselves credit for how far we come. I know that I have always been my biggest critic or my “own worst enemy”, and being aware of that I know that there is more room for self-love and self-acknowledgement in my life. Once we start being honest with ourselves about our efforts and our intentions we can give ourselves credit when credit is due while also reevaluating failure and shortcomings as they arise – because they will arise. Learning to follow your own path and your own calling as you are still discovering it – and without overly criticizing yourself for your life looking differently than others your age – will make you a much happier, focused and wholehearted person.

10. The danger of distractions.

Selfishness is one of the biggest shame messages that we are aware of yet we ignore within our culture. It is ideal to be able to be successful on our own while also being gracefully thrusted into the social realm that is adolescence. In college we often think that those crazy brainiacs that can be in student government, service clubs, go to all the football games and post super spirited instaposts, be on the dean’s list, graduate a semester early and still party every weekend are the way that everyone should be; however, this is not the case for most of us. For most of us college is a constant struggle of finances, academics, physical and mental health, career preparedness, family and friend life, and an endless list of other extracurriculars (which often includes funding that trip to Mexico for spring break on a ramen noodle budget). During all of this chaos it becomes increasingly difficult to focus on ourselves, our goals, and our priorities. We may know what we want out of college and out of life, but as we are often so busy trying to buy the latest iPhone, have the cutest Birkenstocks, or outshine everyone else’s spring and summer breaks via social media, we may lose sight of what really matters after college – being happy with our career path and being financially stable enough to live a full life (or financially stable enough to pay off our student loans TBH). Balance is everything in college and in life. Finding your individual balance for your individual life will help you feel more purposeful and intentional with each day. Don’t waste all of your time social media stalking those whose highlight reels seem to outshine your behind-the-scenes. Go out and make your life what you want it to be!

11. The danger of seeking validation. (hustling for worthiness, chasing perfection and people pleasing)

As famous researcher and author, Brené Brown says, “when we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories we get to write daring new endings.” In our late teens and early twenties other peoples’ opinions probably still matter to us immensely. We want to be in with all the fun, hipster kids from our college and be accepted by all of our spheres of influence. The problem with constantly seeking acceptance in social environments is that we often try to bury our past or our upbringing in order to fit in with all of the super cute and trendy college kids we meet from California and New York when we arrive to campus. There is no problem with revamping your style, taking in some style tips, and reinventing your image for college; however, the problem lies in holding back parts of our personality and our story in order to fit in more or be that super convenient friend for everyone. Trying to be the convenient, accommodating friend will lead only to passive aggressiveness which leads to a need for control. Being honest about who we are, what we look for in friendships and where we want to be in our lives from the start will often salvage some high potential friendships that we make along the way. In the words of John Mayer, say what you need to say.

12. The danger of trying to change people.

After reading the book Rising Strong by Brené Brown, I learned that it is best to assume that people are doing the best that they can. It takes up a lot of energy to begrudgingly wish that people would do what they are supposed to do – or what we think that they are supposed to do. The bottom line is that everyone has their own agendas and priorities, and you can’t make people care. As much as we’d like to control peoples’ actions around us, the only thing we can control is our own actions and responses. The sooner we learn to “control the controllable” (Brian Cain), the sooner we free ourselves up to live fuller, more wholehearted and forgiving lives.

13. The danger of never knowing ourselves.

In an article called, 3 Lessons to Learn About Relationships While You Are Single, by a writer of Uncommon Legacy, they list three very important lessons about finding identity from ourselves not from the people we date or seek to date. These lessons include:

1. Be confident in your identity before getting in a relationship.
2. Learn to be selfless.
3. Learn how to communicate well.

Ultimately, the article simply states that we should not try to find ourselves in other people, try to have our needs met all in one person, and hold back how we feel and what we think from our love interests.

14. The danger of making decisions based off of other people.

Two of the most dangerous and happiness-draining words in the English language – people pleasing. We always want to be the nice, convenient and accommodating friends, coworkers and family members and it often is difficult for a lot of us to be able to say no to those we love and care about. This plays back into saying what we need to say. No one but yourself – and in some instances your mom as she knows your heart pretty well – will be able to tell you what decision is best for you and what best aligns with your values. It becomes so easy trying to seek advice from our friends that know us well because we know that we will get the answers that we are seeking. However, it is our individual responsibility to know ourselves, know what we want, and know what aligns with our morals and values. As Drake said, know yourself!

15. The danger of finding comfort zones.

Brené Brown also talks a great deal about the danger of choosing courage over comfort. It is human nature to want to be comfortable and stay within the places and environments that allow us to feel the most comfort; however, growth was never made in comfort zones. If we ever want to rise strong or dare greatly we must practice courage and exit the comfort zones that so freely limit us from becoming the people we always planned to be. As Brené Brown said in her book Rising Strong, “you can choose courage or comfort, but you can’t have both, not at the same time.”

16. The danger of staying in default mode.

We live in an “Internet Explorer world” where people would rather stick to the defaults in their own lives, as many employees stick to internet explorer as their default browser, instead of trying to impact real change and download chrome or firefox. In the book Originals by Adam Grant, he talks about the concept of non-conformists moving the world. This seems like a very far-fetched, high ambition concept; however, it is simply defined as being creative and approaching situations with “vuja de” – which is the opposite of deja vu. Vuja de is approaching familiar situations – that maybe didn’t turn out as planned originally – in a new light and with a positive outlook that reassures you that you can and will make an impact. The more we try to be courageous and creative, the more likely we are to strike gold and find success in our creative endeavors.