It started on October 1, 2016. I had just gotten off of work and my coworkers invited me out for drinks. I would usually make my way home. But, that night was different. Something in my heart told me to go out with them. We had walked into an empty apartment building. From outside, I could hear loud house music and I could almost see the green and red laser lights poking through the garbage bags taped to the windows. As I walked into the living room, my eyes met yours. My chest caved in. I couldn't breathe. My knees were weak. It felt like I was on the world's tallest roller coaster and my heart was in my stomach.

I just had to talk to you.

When I first made your acquaintance, I tried everything in my power to make a memorable first impression. I just knew that after I talked to you, life would never be the same. And from the minute we started talking, we were inseparable. It was then, that I thought you were the one. You were something I've never come across. I had never met anyone like you; someone so full of life and happiness. You made me feel on top of the world; I felt invincible. I felt that I was your everything and more. Things were perfect. After just a couple of months, we had moved in together. We had no responsibilities, except for each other. Our life was amazing. We were homebodies, but that was what we enjoyed—just being with each other in our comfort zones trying to figure each other out.

Every morning, we would wake up in hopes that the weather would prevent one of us from having to "be an adult". Then we would face reality, have coffee and proceed with our morning rituals. I'd drop you off at work than drive to see my mother. After I'd pick you up, we'd head home and grab as much junk food and sweets as we could. We would pick out a few Will Ferrell movies or our favorite seasons of South Park and we would binge. After hours of watching our favorites and hours of endless conversation, we would lay our heads next to each other for our typical 'I love you' 'no, I love you more' arguments. You would always fall asleep mid-sentence and I would always win.

But one day, everything we came to know and love, came to a drastic halt. I'll never forget because it always feels like yesterday.

We were in the living room, having a movie night. I was getting ready to pick something for us to watch and you were just getting ready to get us some comfort food—except, your truck wouldn't start. I still can not fathom why I felt the absolute need to click on the video folder instead of the movie folder. But as I clicked on the icon, I could hear each footstep you took up the stairs into the apartment.

What's this, I pondered to myself as I came across a video of you and an unknown woman. I shouldn't—don't click on it. It's none of your business. Don't do this to yourself. He's a good guy and he's good for you.

It didn't matter what I told myself, I had to see this. Something in my soul craved to see what should have been forbidden. I heard you take the last three steps up the stairs and turn the doorknob. But, I was frozen. I couldn't take my eyes off of the tragedy unfolding before me.

The date on the bottom of the screen read December 19, 2016. That's funny, I thought, you had blown off my brother's 21st birthday party with the typical 'I have to work' line. You were in a room unfamiliar to me. There was a woman behind you on a bed and you were close to the screen, adjusting the camera I presume. You looked at her and asked her to tell everyone her name. For the life of me, I can't remember what she murmured and I'm so damn happy that I can't.

Anyways, you both start to undress and vocalize the dirty sexual acts you both desired from one another. You leaned in and then it started to happen. In front of my eyes, with the lips you used to kiss me, with the fingers you used to trace my body. You were inside her. At this point, I could feel you standing behind me watching me, as I watched you fuck another woman.

I shut the laptop as I turned to you. I wasn't sad or upset. But I was shocked and disgusted. I didn't say a word and neither did you. We just stood there, staring at one another for what seemed to be an eternity. You shyly muttered "I'm so sorry" with your arms reaching towards me. I pushed you away and you just kept repeating those words, as if they still had meaning behind them. I knew you weren't truly sorry—you were just sorry that you had been caught. Or maybe you felt sorry for yourself for not hiding your homemade pornos better.

It was then that I should've walked away. I should have let you go. But, I was scared that I was so unlovable that I wouldn't find anyone else. So, against my better judgment, I stayed. I figured we were just new to this relationship that we needed to work on it more. We need to be open and honest with each other. Everyone deserves a second chance, right?

About a month later, I came home from a weekend in Washington D.C., and everything seemed just fine. You were in the kitchen, making my favorite snacks and expecting my arrival. The house was warm and was filled with happiness. I went into the bedroom to unpack my things and there sat your phone on the dresser. My gut begged me to check your email, so I did. I wasn't entirely sure what I was looking for but I knew that something wasn't right. I scrolled down and it smacked me in the face: man seeking man or married couple looking to have some fun tonight.

You have got to be kidding me. 3 days, I was gone for 3 days. I just kept asking myself why-why did I give you a second chance? Why couldn't I just leave you?

I walked back into the kitchen with your phone in my hand and that nasty email burning through the screen. You instantly knew what I had found. I could see it in your eyes; you were torn between trying to figure out an explanation or just telling the truth because you knew I was going to leave no matter what bullshit answer you tried to feed me. You sat me down, you told me the truth and tried to justify your actions. You told me you were sick in your head, you had demons up there and you wanted help; you needed help. How could I leave someone begging for me to help?

It took some time but you had seemed to be getting better. By that, I didn't know if you were truly fighting the demons or if you were just getting better at pushing them so far down that I couldn't save you. But there was something about the way you carried yourself that made everything seem OK. You were more invested in our love life and building our relationship. Actually, you were so invested in building us back, that you purposed to me that Valentine's Day.

And of course, as the 'fairytale' goes, I say yes.

We were so happy to the world. We appeared to be the perfect two, so in love and ready to take all the world has to offer. In reality, we began slowly tarnishing our relationship. We had gotten involved in the industry life—both of us working in strip clubs, you as a DJ and me as a bartender. We didn't trust each other anymore. Not just because of our history but we knew what kind of people surrounded us. We were so damaged and since we could no longer get high off of each other, we needed a stronger fix. So, we started to party. Hard. We both turned to drugs, thinking it would make us bond over something again—to make us fall back in love.

Behind closed doors, we were so toxic for each other. Only looking at each other's bad qualities and pointing them out in horrible ways; fueling each other's anger day in and day out. We would fight so badly that you would kick me out of the apartment and tell me to never come back. I would run down the street to the park with tears down my face because I knew I should have never stayed. But you'd always call and tell me to come home. Like clockwork, I would wipe the tears away, swallow my pride and make my way back home to you. And every time, the promises to fix ourselves would be false. The sorries were meaningless. We did this every other day and acted like it was normal.

Christmas 2017 finally came around. We were both so happy to have made it so close to the end of such a bad year. We were ready to get married that coming April and move to California and start fresh. So one morning, you woke me to say you had a surprise for me and we needed to drive to get it right then. So, I got dressed and we left. We arrived at an apartment building and you called someone who came to the front door and escorted us inside. We followed the man into his kitchen, and there was my surprise—a puppy.

I would love to say that I picked Cheech, but he definitely picked me. It was love at first sight. He ran right to me with a rush of joy behind him. He landed in my lap and never left. As we drove home, you looked over at me and I was staring down at Cheech while he slept and you said, "No matter what happens between us, Cheech is yours and I want you to have him forever". I think it was in that exact moment, I knew that Cheech was here to "save" us. I realized we were no longer in love with each other, but just content with the idea of one another. He was here because you wanted to me to love you and stay with you forever. But, you knew that I wasn't invested in you anymore. I had completely given up with any ideas of our future.

And that's when everything fell to pieces.

Our morning routines were no longer us trying to prevent the other from leaving the house, but now became one of us praying the other would leave. There were no more junk food and movie nights. There were no more endless conversations, just hours of arguing, screaming, and crying. There were no more play fights over who loved each other more, but only real fights of whose hatred ran deeper. And you would always win.

January 3, 2018, I decided it was time to leave. It was one of the best and worst days of our relationship. We had started arguing early in the morning and it continued into the late afternoon. We were both so strung out. Not only from the drugs and endless days of partying but simply from each other. During all of the hate being spewed, I was packing all of my belongings to go back home to my parents' house. Once you noticed that I was actually leaving, your demeanor changed. You fell in love with me again. You wanted to fix everything. You begged me to stay with empty promises of you going to therapy. You tried to remind me of why we loved each other in the first place. But, I was convinced that we needed time apart. If we were truly meant to be together, we would find each other again.

My mother had finally arrived and the car was all packed with most of my life. I went to grab Cheech and with ice in your voice, you said you were keeping him. I couldn't believe you. I was so angry with you; I just wanted to yell at you and say fuck off, he's mine. I think I was so tired of fighting with you that I just had enough. I looked at you with eyes full of hopelessness and I handed Cheech to you. And the last piece of love that I had known in my life was gone.

The day after I went back to my mother's house, I need to do something instead of wallowing in my own sorrows. So, I did what every woman does after a bad break-up, I went to get my hair done. As my hairdresser finished cutting my hair above my shoulders, I looked in the mirror in awe. I forgot how stunning I was. My eyes filled with tears and my heart became heavy because you had convinced me that you were the best it would have ever been for me. That no one else could love me. That I would be with you for the rest of my life.

But, you were so wrong because here I am and here you are not.

In the months to follow, you didn't change. You didn't even show a desire to change. Of course, I still loved you. I wanted you to get better. I wanted you to be the man I had envisioned. But that was where I was wrong—because that man was just an idea. I was never in love with you, only the idea of what I wanted you to be.

But I fell in love with myself again. I was getting healthier. I wasn't on drugs anymore and I had started to eat and sleep regularly. I was working again and I had a social life. I was surrounded by family and people who cared about my well-being. The sleepless nights of crying and being sad were over. I didn't even think twice about you after a few months because I knew I was better off without you. We had always planned on living a life filled with palm trees and beaches together. But, I needed to find my palm trees with someone else.