It's summertime once again. For some it is that glorious time of warmth and beaches, for others it's three months of unbearable sun and choking, unforgiving heat. This article goes out to my fellow snow-bunnies living in a world of cold-blooded lizards. Here are 15 ways to beat the heat.
1. Sit Directly In Front Of A Fan
Hog it and turn off the oscillation. Recommended addition is to spray water mist into the fan. Also recommended is to make robot or alien noises into it.
2. Lay Around The Room In Your Underwear
3. Get Cool In A Pool
If you can't afford a membership to a local pool or if there's not one around, then get your poor self a kiddie pool, preferably inflatable for the convenience.
4. Take A Cold Bath Or Shower
OK, forget the pool. If you've got a bathtub, then chuck some ice in there and duck under. If not, then take a cold shower. I know most people like to make fun of cold showers, but they can be very refreshing. Start with lukewarm water and begin gradually making it colder to avoid the initial shock.
5. Take A Trip To The Mountains
A popular choice for my friends in Arizona is to take a drive up to Mount Lemmon for the day. My mother and a friend once took a truck up and filled the bed with snow, driving into town again and pelting unsuspecting victims with snowballs!
6. Move Into Your Freezer
Think about it! You'll already have everything you need. Living off of Popsicles and ice-cream sandwiches sounds like a dream. Then all you need is a good Internet connection and your phone.
7. Visit Family In A Cooler State...Permanently
Time to take Aunt Jackie up on her offer to have you for a visit. Pack your bags and hit the road — don't even bother calling first! Old people just love surprises. What a surprise to have you over, eating all their food for three months.
8. Move To Alaska
What's not to love? They've got snow, beautiful skylines and fluffy polar bears. Plus, I've heard rumor that you could be paid to live there. Start boxing up your stuff and remember to dress warm.
9. Move To The Arctic
Alaska not cold enough for you? Move to the arctic circle! Remember not to lick any poles. Say hello to Santa for me.
10. Go To Hell And Back
Anything will seem nice and cool after walking through hellfire. Once you come back it'll feel like walking into a grocery store and getting that blast of AC in your face. It's like Rodney Atkins says, "You might get out before the Devil even knows you're there." But if you see him, then say hi for me; I'm wearing a shirt with mixed fibers.
11. Take A Trip To Mordor
Personally, I'd like to take a trip to Mordor, pick up some merchandise and take a few selfies in the volcano. It sounds like the perfect place to dispose of all your old jewelry. Two birds with one stone. You'll appreciate that tiny oscillating fan so much more once the journey is over. If you do not know the way, then try Phoenix. It's a close substitute.
12. Jump In A Volcano
Give in to the heat. Let it consume you wholly and undeniably. There is no escape. Just let me be.
13. Become A Dragon
There may yet be hope! Simply find a morally grey wizard and pay the agreed upon sum in exchange for him to transform your mortal flesh into that of the razor-scaled hide of a dragon. A brilliant plan. It's flawless.
14. Destroy The Source
To quote my good friend Henry, "I'll fight the sun!" If you kill the power at its source, then the effects will disappear as well. Life as we know it will also end, but that's a minor detail.
15. Eat A Popsicle
Just a classic way to stay cool! Gee-wiz, Mom, thanks!
