I am a small town girl, born and breed. Kern River Valley, California was my home until I moved out into the real world for college. For those who don’t know, that is an hour east of Bakersfield, California. I even moved to another “small” town, Redding, California, to go to Simpson University. The Kern River Valley may not be the smallest of towns, but I think I’m still qualify to speak on the topic.

1. “Too many stoplights, please end the torture!”

Any where with more then three stoplight is considered a city. OK, this might be an exaggeration. However, it is really inconvenient to go from 2 stop lights within a 60 mile radius, to one at every intersection.

2. “PULL OVER, flatlanders!”

Yes, it is possible to go too slow! Rule of thumb; if there are three or more cars tailing you, get out of the way. Believe me, the locals will love you if you do and hate you if you don't. One more thought, if you can’t go fast on the curvy parts, do not speed up to 70 on the few and far between straight sections; we want to pass you.

3. “Why don’t people believe our road signs?”

Cows can fall off the cliff onto cars; it’s happened. So when there’s a sign, pay attention. This is real life, people.

4. “Go down that road, you’ll get there eventually...”

You can pretty much get everywhere by staying on one road. Makes giving directions wonderfully simple.

5. “Where is everybody?” “It’s Friday Night, where do you think?”

Expect a ghost town when you’re out and about on a Friday night, because odds are that everyone is at the local high school football/basketball game. Go Broncs!

6. “Tourists are good, but they are definitely the worst…”

Unfortunately, a small town economy is dependent on tourist season. But as necessary as they are, they can be a big pain in the rear. They drive too slow, they trash up the place, they think they know everything and they clog up the grocery stores. But we love them, cause they make it possible to keep our little town. Just respect the locals when you are visiting!

7. “There are too many people!”

My very thought whenever I go to a public place with more than 20 people. I have serious anxiety in crowded public places. It’s just a side effect of small town living.

8. “Watch out for the fresh water sharks!”

Lying to gullible tourists is a joy, mostly because they wouldn’t listen even if we were serious. Our river contains all sorts of nonexistent creatures; it's only polite to warn them. However, wearing a life jacket it not a lie. The death toll is real and your ignorance may kill you!

9. “Man, you’ve gotten so big!” “Hi, Whoever you are…”

Everyone knows you! But you rarely know everyone. Maybe that is unique for me, because my dad is a teacher at the only high school in a 60 mile radius, but it happens! And it’s awkward…

10. “I don’t live in *insert closest city*”

People ask me where I’m from, and I tell them. It has just become natural to say “I’m from Kern Valley. *without pause* It’s an hour east of Bakersfield” “Oh, you’re from Bakersfield!” “No, I live in Kern Valley, an hour from Bakersfield…” Sometimes you just say you’re from the smog infested city, because it’s easier than explaining.

11. “Who pranked your school?” “We did”

The closest school we compete against is two hours away, so we have to prank ourselves. We have to steal a mascot from a local business; for us, we steal a giant plastic chicken. The store even has an extra chicken for that reason.

12. “You’ve driven the canyon?!”

People are terrified to drive the curvy cliff-side road that separates us from society. So much so that people who live in the next city over has never been to our quaint little town. Yet, some locals commute the canyon every day just to have a job, but we can drive it at 60 mph (about 20 mph over what outsiders drive) cutting our commute time in half. Although people do seem to be able to drive giant RVs through the canyon, so it can’t be that dangerous…

13. “Dang, no food. I’ll just starve.”

The 20 minute drive into town is not worth it. You must plan and get all your errands done before returning home. It’s much too far to drive a second trip. And Costco trips are to stock up the house for a month, no one has time to drive an hour every week.

14. “What, we’re getting a McDonald’s?!”

Yes, it was huge news when we got a McDonald’s, one of the few fast food places we have. And most of the town is mad at big business, because their local business suffers. So it must be sweet revenge when six years later our McDonald’s is shutting down, for lack of business…

15. “I wouldn’t change a thing”

Sure, I may have “missed out” on some things by being confined to a small town, but I have experienced so much more than those city-grown kids. I played outside in the mountains and on the river. I can drive on the curvy mountain roads as well as the straight ones. I knew most of the kids at my school and my graduation was only 45 mins. I had huge support from my community and I wasn’t overlooked. I have respect for nature and respect for other people, because I am not constantly fighting for my “place.” I have experienced living in the city and it is definitely not for me. I love where I grew up and I have never wished for anything different.