I’ll start off by saying that I’ve never read the popular book by E.L. James, nor do I have any desire to do so. That being said, there might be some detail in the film that scriptwriters expected their audiences to know without mentioning. Unfortunately, I did not fit in this category when I went to see the movie last night.

When the controversy behind the very explicit novel began, I flipped through a friend’s copy, saw it was poorly written (as in, the most cliche phrases I’ve ever seen in a novel) and immediately put it down. After digging a little deeper online, it’s clear that the popularity behind the book is, as I suspected, centered around the sex scenes. Because we as a culture, naturally, find sex-driven plot more entertaining than, well, plot-driven plot.

What was even more shocking, however, was what the film portrayed the same plot loopholes I’d noticed in just the short bit of the book I read. As the film centered mostly around Anastasia and Christian’s chemistry and less on logical sense, I couldn’t get into it or even begin to understand the characters and their supposed “depth.” Below are a few of the reasons why I’m still not getting it:

1. What journalist gets her roommate to conduct an interview for her when she has the flu? Not a very serious one. You would call someone else from your organization to do the job. Journalism isn’t just writing, and interviews aren’t just questions. It’s a conversation between writer and subject. You observe their mannerisms, the way their office looks, etc. There’s no way Kate could have gleaned enough information from a second-hand interview to write a decent article that was to be featured in a senior finale 'zine.
2. ALSO it’s Christian Grey! He’s the CEO of a company he founded himself! You don’t just pass off an interview with a billionaire to your roommate - again, you get someone else from the zine (see 1). 
3. What self-made CEO has the personality and people skills of an angry limp noodle? If you’re going to be that high up in a company you kind of need a personality. And also to know how to smile.
4. What CEO cancels meetings at the first sighting of a pretty girl? Money doesn’t make itself, Christian. Don't you have work to do?
5. Going off of 4: from a communications standpoint, Christian Grey is the worst CEO ever. How does he have time to work and be present in his company, like a good CEO should, if he’s at home tying women up and following them all over the country?
6. The parallels with the Twilight saga are WAY too obvious. “You’re drunk? NO! We just met, you’re mine and I’ve already claimed you, I’m coming to get you!” Listen, EL, we all know you loved Twilight. Hell, in middle school, I thought it was pretty great, too. But you really need to tone down the Edward Cullen: your novel/film is set in the real world and he can’t act like a mythical creature all the time in that setting.
7. Christian treats her like a child. “Anastasia, I’m cleaning up your puke. Don’t drink anymore. It’s the rules.”
8. Going off of 7: buckles her into cars and helicopters, bathes her, dresses her... she is basically his child. Really, his play-thing. I find it very hard to believe a romantic relationship can actually spawn from such babying. 
9. “Laters baby” is a revolting phrase and would never become the "always" or "okay" for a guy as steely as Christian Grey. Uncharacteristic AF.
10. WHAT CEO WEARS THOSE GOD AWFUL RIPPED ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH JEANS? NO NO, JUST NO, GET RID OF THOSE PLEASE NO. 
11. As characters, we don’t see Ana and Christian together much before she just goes to his house and he shows her the Red Room and she’s cool with it. Anastasia has never had a sexual encounter before, barely knows this man: I can’t tell if she’s supposed to be gullible, dumb, or if the writers just left out some important chronological detail.
12. Why isn’t Anastasia’s mother even the least bit alarmed when Christian comes out of nowhere to see her in Savannah? That is terrifying and invasive and just because he knows how to order a drink does not mean he’s a great match for your daughter, ma’m.
13. How has a person as high-profile as Christian Grey managed to be with fifteen different women and go completely unnoticed? And how have none of these women leaked to the media about his secret sexual habits? 
14. Why does Anastasia's flip phone have the iPhone iMessage ringtone? 
15. And finally - is Christian paying her rent, too? Because post-grad Anastasia actually moves into a better apartment than before in Seattle and appears to have no job. Someone please explain this to me.