When Kevin arrived at my front door, still packaged in his box, wearing a navy blue sweater, tan corduroy pants, and carrying a beige backpack, I was overjoyed! I couldn't wait to take him out of the box, pull the string on his back, and hear him mumble phrases from Home Alone 2 as if Macaulay Culkin himself were in my home. Though I still consider this purchase to be the best $55 I've ever spent, Kevin sure does make the holidays more special, I can't help but wish I'd known a few things before I ordered the little guy from that woman in Indiana, who I'm sure misses him dearly. Here are 15 things I'd wish I'd known before spending $55 on talking Kevin.
1. Kevin doesn't speak very clearly
In his defense, he was created in 1992 and the world wasn't as technologically advanced back then. But it would be nice to hear Kevin repeatedly say "I'd rather kiss a toilet seat" without all the static noise blocking him out.
2. There's nothing in his backpack but plastic
I find it hard to believe that the little boy who tricked the entire Plaza Hotel staff into believing he wasn't staying alone in the hotel room and who outsmarted two criminals twice, carries nothing with him but a piece of plastic. What about his tape recorder? Where's his dad's credit card?
3. You can't change his shoes
This seems a bit unfair. What if Kevin wanted to change into a pair of slippers after a long day of travelling around NYC?
4. My friends think he's creepy
When I first laid eyes on talking Kevin I thought he was adorable. Look at those eyes, his hair, he even has opposable thumbs! Unfortunately no one else was this enthused, instead they said Kevin would give them nightmares :(
5. It's not socially acceptable to bring him anywhere
Though little girls walk around with their dolls and grown ups drag their babies all over the damn place, it is not socially acceptable for me to arrive in public with little Kevin on my arm, though I believe the world deserves to see him.
6. He can't actually watch Home Alone 2
Around Christmas time me and Kevin sat on the living room couch for a nighttime viewing of Home Alone 2. It occurred to me 15 minutes in that Kevin's plastic head is hollow and therefore he can't process what's going on in the movie.
7. Kevin might be lonely
Perhaps Kevin is lonely and in need of a friend. I should've ordered talking Kevin from the first Home Alone too.
8. Kevin voted for Donald Trump
This little plastic boy is most definitely a trump supporter. Donald gave Kevin directions in the movie! Of course he's gonna repay him by voting for him in the presidential election!
9. He's pretty useless
I love to show him off occasionally. But other than that he just sits in the corner of my room and stares at me.
10. His cries over and over again over the death of his movie father
Kevin cried for a week straight when John Heard died and wouldn't stop reminiscing about "the good 'ol days."
11. He spends too much money
I returned home from work one night to find Kevin on my bedroom floor sporting a $12,000 Gucci fur coat with no plan on how he was going to pay off the bill!
12. He strictly celebrates Christmas
Would it have been convenient for me to know this before I went all the way to Party City and spent $45 on his halloween costume? Yes but Kevin failed to let me know he strictly celebrates Christmas and that is all!
13. He's afraid of Pennywise the dancing clown
Who could be afraid of such an adorable little clown who pops out of the sewer every now and then to say hello and return paper boats to little boys? Kevin is terrified and jumps at the very mention of Pennywise.
14. He's mentally stuck in 1992
Kevin can not move on from the year 1992! Everytime I try to introduce him to anything from this century, he immediately shuts me down and continues talking about how Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus was the song of the year and far superior to the "pop garbage" we listen to today.
And Lastly......
15. He doesn't have any other friends and is concerningly clingy
Nope Kevin is no longer in contact with Tim Curry, Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern, OR Catherine O'Hara. I've suggested he go out and make some new friends but he refuses! He claims I'm the only friend he needs.
