College freshmen: how many times have you been asked, "How is college?"

Most people recognize that answering "how" questions can be difficult... that's why, when you're walking down a hallway and you ask somebody how their day is going, you can't expect more than an "All right!" or a "Fine" in response. But I feel a little bit of pressure when someone asks, "How is college?" Not because the person is expecting too much out of my answer, but because I feel strange explaining the quality or state of such a big change in my life. It isn't simple to do. Here are some things I want to say:

1. "I don't know. You should ask College!"

Honestly. My dear friend, College, is a bit of a mess... I can't speak to their state of being. I mean, come on. We aren't that close. How long have I known ye, College? Less than two months?

2. "Baller."

I still don't know what this means, but I firmly believe that Ball Is Life. So this answer is foolproof, even in its simplicity. #BallerTime

3. "Well... *dramatic pause* I woke up to get me a cold pop and then I thought somebody was barbecuing. I said oh, Lord Jesus, it's a fire. Then I ran out, I didn’t grab no shoes or nothin’ Jesus, I ran for my life. And then the smoke got me, I got bronchitis ain't nobody got time for that."

An elaborate story, to be sure. But it's gripping, sensational. And I truly want to entertain anyone who asks me about my experience at college.

4. *Two thumbs up, Fonzie voice* "Aaay!"

Fonzie keeps it cool, which is helpful because I normally have zero chill.

5. "It us terribel. I cannit even emember how 2 spell so I fail fial fail!"

This is what you tell the haters who never believed in you. I mean, why argue with them? Embrace your inner failure with a truckload of hyperbole.

6. "Oh, it's great. I feel like I'm on the Teletubbies. Everyone is so colorful... and the sun smiles down on me with the innocent joy of a baby... and everyone has stalks growing out of their heads... and they spend a lot of their time vacuuming up the Tubby Custard spillage! It's great!"

If you can believe it, I haven't actually used this one. But I'd love to see the reactions of those who asked me, "How is college?" if I do use it.

7. "It is what it is."

I love this response because it doesn't really mean anything, but it is still completely true.

8. "Not much has changed... 'cept they live underwater. And your great-great-great-granddaughter. Is doin' fine!"

Distract everybody's evaluation of your life by referencing the Jonas Brothers!

9. "Some-body once told me the world was gonna roll me..."

This is even more off-point, but "Shrek" is love; "Shrek" is life. Wouldn't the person who asked me, "How is college?" rather talk about ogres than education? This response gives them the chance to realize what they really want out of a conversation with me.

10. "Oh, finally! Nobody's ever asked me that." *Long hug*

Hopefully this response will scare them away before I can get to any sort of answer.

11. "Very socialist! Absolutely everyone is only allowed to have leftist opinions. We all have to rename ourselves in accordance with our liberal views. So I'm going by 'Pro-Change PeaceRulez' now."

This is basically what some people expect you to say; give 'em what they want!

12. "Jammin'."

This one-word answer contains a lot of positive connotations; however, it may mean many things, so I could use it under almost any circumstances.

13. "Classy." (ba-dum-tsh!)

'Cuz... there are... y'know... classes. I take classes at college. Ha. Ha.

14. *Holds up one finger to signify, "Wait". Spends an hour writing an essay on feelings about college and how it has changed my life and how it has made me both confident and uncomfortable. Crumples sheets of paper into angry balls! And throws them! Away! Because they can't truly convey everything properly!*

...

15. *Withering look* "Good."

Meryl Streep has a better expression for this than I do, but I feel that any variation is appropriate. It conveys the fact that everybody asks me this question all the time (hence the "wither"), but that I still appreciate the fact that somebody cares to ask (hence the "Good"). To all who have wondered, "How is college?" I present the beautiful face of Meryl Streep. May its elegance and charisma direct you to the answer you seek.