Welcome to the best city on earth. The city where our baseball team has a patented color, you can drive 90ft below Earth's surface, and the first college in North America opened (yeah, you Harvard)! We know we are great, and we have no problem telling you all about it; but before booking your next family vacay, remember these 15 things, and good luck!
1. No one says "park your car in Harvard yard!"
First of all, if you park your car in Harvard's yard, you will get ticketed and towed. Also, if you ask us to say this specific phrase we will purposely pronounce everything perfectly just to grind your gears. We are NOT stupid.
2. We have the best sports teams.
If you're from New York and about to try and argue this point, shhh.. just shhh. No one wants to hear it. Ever. Also, we have two chants "Yankees suck" and "Beat L.A." Both are appropriate at all times. Did we mention the 11 parades in 17 years too?
3. We sure do run on Dunkin'
Walk to any street corner in Boston and there will be a Dunkin Donuts, we promise. No matter the season we order ice coffee and "regular" means cream and sugar.
4. The "Freedom Trail"…
First of all, it is really long…too long. Second, it is not that cool. You can skip it, trust us on this one! OH and the Plymouth Rock - it seriously is just a rock.
5. We are not ALL jerks.
We just don't want to talk to you, help you or look at you. God, it is 10 am dude, no one can possibly be THAT happy even after three iced coffees
6. Driving
Speed limits, do they exist in Boston? Technically, yes and it only goes up to 65mph. In reality, absolutely not. It is every man for themselves out there. Also, every street is one-way. And they all go the wrong way from where you want to go. Good luck!
7. The Cape
No, it is not something you wear, it is where you go. Cape Cod is a mystical land that only exists in the minds of tourists.
8. "Wicked"
Yes, we all know this is a very famous Broadway musical, and that was wicked awesome too. But here we stick to our version - wicked = really
9. Chowder (Chowdah)
You know? Clam chowder? It is white and creamy. Anyone who says otherwise is silly and ignorant.
10. The term "Masshole"
If you call us a "Masshole" we will giggle and agree with you. That is not an insult. Try again.
11. The Shores
Never ask a Bostonian which shore is better (North or South). They're both good, but the south shore is WAY better. Unless you're from the north shore, in which case, you're wrong (again).
12. Bud Light
Yes, this is an appropriate answer to most questions. For example: What are you in the mood for? Why did you go home with him or her? What are you bringing to Thanksgiving?
13. Lobster
We can eat a two-pound lobster without using tools. If you need tools, you ARE a tool.
14. We only acknowledge three other states:
Anything west of Route 495 is New York. Anything west of New York is California and anything south of New York is Florida.
15. Massachusetts Invented America.
You can thank us in Bud Lights (see above).
Love,
The Bostonians
