Lets preface this list with a little background on me. I LOVEBlake Lively. She’s been my hands down favorite person since "Sisterhood Of the Traveling Pants" and "Gossip Girl". I make it a priority to see every movie she’s in--even if the film involves my least favorite movie subject...sharks.
I won’t lie; I went into watching “The Shallows” with a low expectation. Mega-Shark movies are notorious for being a joke and a flop in movie sales, but it’s my girl. I had to give her the benefit of the doubt.
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Boy am I glad I did.
The following is 15 things I learned from watching “The Shallows”
**WARNING CONTAINS SOME SPOILERS** (not the ending though, I promise.)
1. Blake Lively Continues To Be My Number 1 Girl Crush
She’s in a bikini the entire movie and rocks it like only Blake can.
2. Invest In Good Friends
Blake’s character, Nancy, has some sketchy ass friends that were supposed to accompany her on this surfing trip but decided to get hammered and slept with strange men instead. How cute.
3. Never Go Surfing Past Dusk
Or alone. Or on a strange Island no one knows the name of. Or when you don’t speak the native language. On second thought, just don’t go surfing.
4. Make Friends With Someone With A Go-Pro
I wont spoil too much. Just do it. It’ll save your life.
5. Stay Away From Decaying Whales
What eats decaying whales? MEGA SHARKS. SO DON’T SWIM RIGHT UP TO ITS FEEDING GROUND AND BE SURPRISED WHEN YOU GET ATTACKED.
6. Know the Tides
Being from land-locked Nebraska, I know nothing of high tide and low tide. But “Nancy’s” knowledge of those prove to be imperative.
7. Be In Medical School
So you can talk yourself through suturing your half bitten off leg.
8. Wear Sharp Jewelry
So you can use it to suture said leg.
9. Have Flawless Mermaid Hair
Blake whips her long locks--in slow motion--at least 10 times. No sure how this is helpful in learning to survive a shark attack, but I just love her, okay? #Goals
10. Realize the Mega-Shark’s Weaknesses
Hint: Jellyfish.
11. Old Flare Guns On Buoys Suck
My anxiety was out of control. THE FLARE WENT ALL OF 10 FEET. At least it was realistic (Would totally happen to me. Blake is so easy to relate to.)
12. How To Piss off the Mega Shark (even more)
Shoot the faulty flare gun at its face and catch it on fire (In the water? Yeah, not sure on this one either but it happened.)
13. Try to Remember Chapstick
Ill let you go see the movie for this one. You’ll understand me.
14. Shark Attacks Are Good For Family Issues
You and Dad fighting? Almost get killed by a shark. Nothing brings a family together like nearly dying. Shocking.
15. The Ocean Sucks
Enough said.
By the time the credits were rolling, I felt like I had been on the worst metaphorical emotional rollercoaster. Overall, this was one of the better shark movies in recent years (sorry "Shark-Nado") and not just because my girl pulls through like a badass. Most parts were semi-realistic and Blake provided the perfect heroine for this role. Bottom-line, would I pay to see it again? No. But it was $5 Tuesday so I'm not complaining.
Love,
-A
