First things first, being a swim instructor for five-year-old kids is anything but easy. From teaching them to put their faces in the water to showing them how to do the front crawl, things can get a little rough out there. However, once you hear the unfiltered commentary that comes out of their tiny little mouths, you start to appreciate all that they have to offer during lessons. (Disclaimer: All of the quotes listed below are taken directly from children themselves. These are their stories.)

1. “How do you do a back float?”

Well, you kinda just, float…on your back.

2. “Why is the water wet?”

If only I had an answer to this.

3. “Am I going to drown?”

Considering I’m a certified lifeguard and you’re standing in two feet of water, no, you are not going to drown (at least not today you won’t).

4. “I don’t have goggles, so I can’t put my face in the water.”

Without goggles, your face might corrode in the pool, so you better get yourself a pair ASAP.

5. “I have to go potty…oh wait, never mind.”

The answer is yes, he really did just do that.

6. “Wait, so you don’t live in the deep end?”

Believe it or not, I don’t have gills or a tail fin. I actually have a bed and a roof over my head (shout-out to you guys @mom and @dad).

7. “Ian, when you went to camp when you were a little girl, did you learn how to swim?”

Apparently, when you become a better swimmer, you also become a different gender.

8. “Look how long I can hold my breath underwater for!”

Congratulations, you held your breath for one tenth of a second longer than your attention span!

9. “Is the deep end deep?”

Why don’t you jump in there and find out for yourself.

10. “My cut hurt before, but now that it’s in the chlorine, it feels better and better!”

Chlorine: saving children, one booboo at a time.

11. “I know how to swim really good!”

(Proceeds to walk across the pool without putting her face in the water at all.) Not to mention, you have some pretty solid grammar skills there, kiddo.

12. “I don’t want to borrow a pair of goggles because I might get lice.”

Unless your goggles are growing out their own head of hair, then lice is the last thing you should be worrying about.

13. “I love the trees that surround the pool. They keep me company.”

So what am I, chopped liver?

14. “If I put my towel in the water, then will it dry the pool off?”

It might dry the pool off, but it certainly won’t dry you off.

So, the next time a kid says something absolutely ridiculous during a swim lesson, let them know that you’re listening – just don’t let them know that you’re laughing hysterically on the inside.