So it's summer. Thank you Jesus. Hallelujah. No more damn school for months. YESSSSSSSS. Thank you. Just thank you. You crawled to the end of the semester and now you are ready to get back on your two feet again, tall and strong and ready to show everyone how you didn't get your summer bod ready in time because of school and stress and screw all yall haters. But now it's summer. What do you do now, you ask? Disappoint everyone and yourself by doing nothing you said would do.

1. Lose weight

No, you bloody hell won't. Didn't I just say that ain't nobody got time for that. Summer is the time to veg out and eat all you want. Go to a barbecue and eat and then come home and eat and take a nap because you're tired from eating and wake up and eat again because you're hungry. Honestly, you don't need encouraging because we all know that you're eating a piece of cake while reading this article.

2. Learn how to birth a cow

All semester long you've been really worried about finding yourself alone with an acutely pregnant cow. Well, now you finally have the time to learn how to guide the calf safely through the birth canal. Beware, this is not a 10 centimeter dilation. Think a foot and a half of pure cow vagina. And blood. So much blood. 1Ten gallons of cow placenta. Ooooh lordy. Don't wear your Birkenstocks.

3. Read that pile of books sitting next to your bed

Who do you think you are? You excel at adding books to that pile and never reading them. It's a talent. It's a skill. Now shhhh, it's OK. You don't have to tell me how many books are in your pile, we both know it's way too many. Come to think of it, do you even remember adding any of them to the pile? Have you ever even seen a book before?

4. Commune with the mermaids in your sink

You've been ignoring them all semester long- you're starting to hurt their feelings. Do you want to make mermaids sad? Do you want to make mermaids cry? I didn't think so. And besides, you've known for a long time that you were a mermaid. You can't deny it any longer. Channel your inner mermaid. Hear the mermaid. See the mermaid. You are the mermaid.

5. Finish that series on Netflix

You've been stuck on episode 14 for way too long. You know you want to. C'mon. C'mon. You're such a lazy butt. Literally just finish the show. At least finish the season. You lazy bum. Or better yet, don't finish it. Just start watching all of the shows you wanted to see and mid-way through just stop watching them all.

6. Live as Eleanor Roosevelt for a week

Literally why not. Ever since you read that book about her in fourth grade a did a half-assed book report about her, she has secretly been your idol. So why not just be her for a week? It's literally that simple. Prance around. Caution your family about the threats of U-boats to trans-Atlantic shipping. Rule the world. Tell your friends that the United Nations will be a far more effective agent of peace than the League of Nations. Shake your butt because you are Eleanor freaking Roosevelt. Act surprised whenever you see a smartphone or a laptop and ask, "What's this frippery-frappery?"

7. Prep for hard classes in the fall

Yea, because we all know that's going to happen. The odds of you actually doing this are just as likely as the history channel actually having a show about history. Or as likely as my left foot walking off, growing a pair of legs and becoming an astrophysicist who loves to knit sweaters. Or me randomly farting out a hologram of Michael Jackson. But you know what. I believe in you. Go off. Succeed. Study for organic chemistry II. Slay.

8. Make a statue out of your own poo

Ever had to go number twoo in the middle of a lecture but you knew that if you left, you would miss something important and fail the test and fail the class and flunk out of school and die. Yeah, me too. Revenge is the best thing since the sweet tones of R2-D2 graced the big screen and serenaded my ears in 77. Poo. Poop. Feces. Statue. Figurine. Sculpture. Make it happen.

9. Go the the Harry Potter theme park

God, aren't there like a million of those by now? Just pick one. Any one. It doesn't matter. Literally throw on any of your Halloween costumes from elementary school. You're not a real wizard and that is not a wand, that is a stick you found next to your house. You cannot perform magic and you've never even been to Hogwarts. Either way, no magic outside of Hogwarts, you numbnut.

10. Beat Yelena Isinbayeva's Olympic pole vaulting record of 18 feet

We all know asking for 19 would be ridiculous, so let's go for 18.9 feet. C'mon, you scaredy cat. You've been been talkin' a big talk for a whole semester of how you're gonna fly high and succeed and achieve everything and live on cloud nine. But cloud nine doesn't cut it, now does it? Yelena lives on cloud 18. Think about that and start running.

11. Learn a new recipe

You've literally been living off of ramen and cinnamon toast crunch for a semester. Live a little. Try some real food. Regularize your poops. But don't do anything stupid. You're just trying to add some color to your plate not win a prize. This isn't masterchef and there's no Gordon Ramsey around. Lord knows he would obliterate you. Go for easy. No need to do anything special, this is you we're talking about after all.

12. Learn how to perform dental surgery

You remember that one tooth ache you had mid-semester? Well I do. And it hurt. It hurt real bad. You know what could've helped? Dental surgery. And do you know who could've done it? You. It would save you a whole lotta money rather than going to a person who actually knows what they're doing. That'd be preposterous. They always said dream big. Go for it, tiger.

13. Learn a language

Why learn a language when you have to for school? Learn one at home instead! And don't pick it for anything reasonable like Chinese because over one billion people speak it. No, that makes too much sense. Pick a language because hot people speak it or because you want to become one of those hot people. Don't even learn a human language. Become fluent in ribbit. Learn to communicate with aliens. Create your own damn language. Now, this is the jackpot for usefulness.

14. Go hunting with Genghis Khan

All semester long you've been saying you've been so mad you could kill a cow and now you can with the greatest warrior of all time. Have you ever wanted fame? Glory? Your name written in history books forever? Well now is your chance. Only drawback-- you need to learn Mongolian. Oops.