Living life with a low self-esteemisn't exactly fun. And it isn't exactly easy to talk about either, but it has to be talked about. If I am completely honest, writing about this is completely embarrassing but I've decided that if this can help one person, even if that person is me, understand themselves better and become more aware that others live through this too, then the public humiliation is worth it.

Low self-esteem comes from many different sources, and psychologists really enjoy writing about how childhood screwed us all over, but spare yourself the TLC-worthy dramatic blogs. Sure, someday it will be important to figure out the root of your problem, but I mean I just realized that I struggle with this like five minutes ago, so I am really not qualified to give you advice on how to fix it.

So instead, I am here to try to get a better understanding of what I do that is a side effect of having low self-esteem so that I work on positive changes. If you read the whole thing, maybe you'll understand yourself better, or at the very least you'll understand me better.

I do so many things that are so screwed up and I never really got it until now. That isn't an excuse, it's just a reason which is oddly comforting and makes me feel like I can start fixing myself. You know, because now I actually get that there is a problem to be fixed.

I have a long list of crap that I pull, because according to Google's definition, I feel unworthy, incapable and incompetent. Cue the world's tiniest violin.

1. We're hostile.

As you have probably figured out by now, I am not exactly a cheery person decked out in bright colors with my hair in a high pony. In fact, I've heard on multiple occasions that I'm terrifying in person and I'm quite an asshole. Being mean to others stems from being mean to myself.

2. We're perfectionists.

Some people with low self-esteem are under achievers because they think they will never be successful. Others are perfectionists because we think that nothing we do is good enough.

3. We lie.

I lie and exaggerate when I find the truth to be embarrassing. The thing about having low self-esteem is you're constantly judging yourself so you think others are too. In order to evade that judgment, I say dumb white lies that aren't harmful but spare me some judgment.

4. We criticize ourselves and others.

I criticize myself constantly because I have impossible standards for myself. I want to be perfect. I know it's twisted, but the way I see it is only the best deserve success and happiness. I hold my standards so high that no one can reach them and then I criticize them for it.

5. But we don't handle criticism well.

I criticize constantly but I can't handle it. I already feel like a failure in a lot of aspects in my life and it adds another thing to my long list and it infuriates me.

5. We have physical symptoms.

People with low self-esteem are frequently fatigued and get headaches. Constant self-loathing is tough work.

6. We compare ourselves to others.

I used to do this horrible thing every single time I stepped into a new environment. I would scan the room and compare myself to every single girl. Who is prettier, who had nicer skin, whose outfit was better. The sad part is I remember making this ritual up while in Kindergarten. I still catch myself doing it, but not nearly as often as I used to.

7. We self-sabotage.

I often find myself dreaming and creating new goals but thinking that I will never achieve them. I am so scared to actually try because if I fail, it was on me. So I push back deadlines until I know whatever I turned in isn't my best work. I psych myself out before interviews for extraordinary opportunities. And I ruin relationships before they ever really get a chance to take off.

8. We push people away.

This one is the hardest of all to swallow. I push people away for a lot of reasons, but I guess the biggest of all is that I find myself unworthy of love. And I hate saying that because it sounds so dramatic but whatever, it's how I feel. When people flirt with me, I blow them off and tell myself they are just being nice. I once had a friend, someone who I have mad respect for and know 100% that they are good and honest, ask me out and in a split second, my opinion changed from they are good to they are horrible and trying to get something from me. My friends and my family call me out for pushing people away, but I just can't seem to let people in my life.

9. People think we're narcissistic.

This one is really funny to me because if they really saw me, they would know it isn't true. But, if you don't know me that well, I see where the confusion is coming from. I have such high standards, no one can reach them, and I criticize them for it. Which totally makes me look like an arrogant asshole. But in reality, this self-absorption doesn't come from self-loving like it does with narcissism.

10. We are people pleasers.

I hate disappointing people because it makes me feel like a failure. There is really nothing more to say about that.

11. We have a fear of making mistakes.

I feel like I am incompetent of making decisions, so I let "fate" decide things for me. I chose my college because I saw a blue flag with a viking on it which happened to be the color and mascot of Western Washington University. I chose to live with strangers that the school assigned me because if they suck, it wouldn't be my fault. I am so scared of messing up that I don't make any decisions, which successfully eradicates my chances of making a mistake.

12. We are afraid of trying new things.

I am so scared of making mistakes that I don't want anything to change. Navigating new waters is terrifying and I just don't think I am capable of it sometimes. Trying new things by myself gives me panic attacks.

13. We don't have specific goals.

I have dreams that are big, but I also have a gnawing feeling that I will never be successful, regardless of the evidence that points to otherwise. I have had so many wonderful successes in my life that came from my hard work but I still don't really believe in myself enough to set up goals for the future.

14. We attribute our success to outside factors.

I have made it through high school. I've been working on receiving a Bachelor's degree. I'm a contributing editor and have published works on several different publications. I have worked for clients doing my dream job. I literally once caught a girl when she just dropped dead and gave her CPR until the paramedics arrived, and then a few months later ran into her at Target and she cried and gave me a hug and told me the aneurysm in her head would have blown if I hadn't caught her, and all I could think was that it was dumb luck. I attribute all of my "success" to fate and luck, even though I really don't believe in those things. I just find it easier to believe in that crap than to believe in myself.

I don't want your pity or for you to worry, because the reality is I am just fine. Look, I can see the problem so you just got to give me some time to fix it.

While you wait, stop and think about if you do these things or if you know someone who does these things. I encourage you to be more compassionate and understanding.