As fun as college parties are there seems to be a consistent cast of characters who function as an ever present force amongst the group. Without further ado, welcome the contenders from 2017!
1. The Flailing Man
Similar to the Running Man, but often with much less coordination. Sometimes the music just speaks to you, and the unavoidable urge to fling your limbs in every which way takes over. At least, that seems to be the case for this specific breed of partier.
2. The Straw Seductress
This person came on a mission, and they aren't returning home alone. Usually it's the look in their eyes, or the seductive (and unnecessary) use of a straw that labels them as a Straw Seducer. Either way, nobody will stand between them and their late night target.
3. The AUX Commander
This person holds the AUX cord, also known as the supreme lord of the party. He or she can make or break a vibe. They come in two variations: Chad, who plays only remixes of already questionable songs, or Brock, who sticks to Top 40 and classic rock his dad introduced him to.
4. The Assistant Lieutenant To The AUX Commander
Also known as the Assistant Manager To The AUX Commander, this position is also of the utmost importance. He or she provides the Commander with an occasional cold beer (both to maintain their drunk-ness and appearance of coolness) and takes requests from the crowd.
5. The Beer-tender In Residence
He or she is appointed for their "skills in mixing drinks," which mostly involves accuracy in tossing beer cans across a crowd. They're the supreme ruler of the mini-fridge or sink, and therefore hold a high ranking position.
6. The First Timer
"I frequently partake in expensive wine while dining with my parents," they say, as they take their first sip of Natural Light.
7. The Ball and Chain
The one person in your group who cannot 1) control her alcohol intake and 2) doesn't realize when she's overdone it. Often the person who has to be airlifted out of the party by her doting group of followers or, if she's unlucky, campus security.
8. The Door Man
Usually one of the tipsier males at the party, who ends up needing to take that seat outside the door. His job is mostly to make scarily deep eye contact with every passerby.
9. The Sweat Ball Extraordinaire
Everyone sweats, but these people really take the cake for slimiest member of the dance floor. Nothing has been known to harm the sweat ball more than direct light. Beware!
10. The Walking Wardrobe Malfunction
Clubbing attire is no joke, except when your tube top is four sizes too small. The Walking Wardrobe Malfunction can often be found adjusting her boob tape and yanking her mesh skirt up as to avoid the ultimate disaster.
11. The Designated Babysitter
For this unlucky character they often find themselves in a sea of drunks, floating along as the lone sober watchdog. To these hero's many of us owe our lives. We salute you, mighty babysitters.
12. Mr. Independent
This boy ain't need no girl (or friends in general) to go out and have a good time. This party type is often found standing against the wall making eye contact with everyone, seemingly in a bid to attract people to his dance circle of one.
13. The Beer Pong Star
This particular person never wanders further than five feet from the table since they cannot risk losing their position on the podium. This type of partier usually has their own "touchdown" dance, which they showcase when they make it in the cup, which typically also includes noises.
