In the last few weeks Netflix has been booming with people binge watching the TV show "13 Reasons Why". The show is about a girl who's seven-teen and commits suicide. Before she slices her wrists in her bathtub she makes 13 cassette tapes with every tape being a reason why she took her life. At first I was skeptical about the show that everyone was talking about. I decided to watch it and the first episode I was already crying at the first reason where a boy spreads a rumor that he had sex on the first date with the girl named Hannah. The second or third tape I started crying again when it shows Hannah's mother tearing up, looking distraught and broken putting on nail polish that was Hannah's and having to stop because she simply couldn't do it. Up to this point I was frustrated with how people are talking about how serious suicide is. This has become a big issue that people look over when it's all around us.
Tape five and six talked about sexual assault. These tapes made me angry because not just one but two girls were raped including Hannah. The rapist was the star football player who's ego was so big he believed he was wanted by every girl meaning he could do whatever he wanted with them because who didn't want him? When a friend of Hannah's confronted the boy he told him that rape and consensual sex are the same thing, that there's no difference in the two. The other girl who was raped by the same boy was passed out drunk in a room her boyfriend left her in. The boyfriend was locked out of the room while his friend he considered to be like a brother was having sex with his girlfriend who was asleep. Hannah was hiding in the closet while this was going on, stunned with shock not knowing what to do or if she could do anything.
All throughout the tapes it shows Hannah's life. Hannah was bullied at her school before she moved to the town. It seemed as though things didn't get better for Hannah. On tape one she talks about how this was suppose to be her fresh start but Justin Foley spreading a rumor he got to third base with Hannah was only the start to her very difficult high school years. Hannah had countless rumors spread about her, she was set up multiple times, people went out of their way to hurt her. People say she whined too much and that it's high school and that's what happens. No. It shouldn't be like that for a person. Being a teenager during that time is the most stressful part of your life and it does't help when your peers are trying to tear you down. With everything that happened to Hannah it was too much. One person cannot experience all of these things and not be effected. Hannah created those tapes so people realized what they did to her did matter and it did effect her. That was the purpose of this show, to get people to realize and see that actions and words do hurt and they hurt so much it can end a person's life.
People are finally starting to see the bigger picture to these very important issues. I should be glad people are getting the message but instead I'm angry. I'm angry that it's been hundreds and thousands of people who have been bullied to the point where they take their own lives. I'm angry that hundreds of girls are raped every week and people don't see the problem. I'm angry that it took a TV series to get the message to people that what you say to a person does matter.
In the wake of all this it took me back to the times I experienced losing someone or heard of the loss of someone due to suicide. Every story the person gave signs but nobody looked or listened hard enough. However, most signs are hard to pick up on but if more people realize that this terrible tragedy does happen and if they'll learn the signs maybe if someone close to them exhibits multiple signs they can save their loved one by knowing the signs and risk factors. These are the most important and very apparent signs that you'll see after someone takes their life. Trust me, it hurts way more when you look back and realize all the things you could've done.
1. Distancing away from friends and people in general.
This can be scary obvious after you lose that person. Hannah pushed herself away from every friend she had in her life. This can be creating fights or drama that makes them the bad guy so everyone stops talking to them. Breaking a phone even, so that not being able to get ahold of them is more difficult.
2. Seeming "out of it", lost or distracted.
A person can be under an enormous amount of pressure which can cause a number of things. When someone isn't focused or can't concentrate or even on edge can be a sign that they have a lot on their mind. This is when you listen to them, not hear what they're saying but really listen to their words and their voice. We all need someone to hear our emotions and our voice, to make us feel like what we're going through is normal, to validate our emotions.
3. Trying to open up then shutting themselves down.
Time and time again it seem that this is a common thing. Someone will start talking about an issue or few in their life then stopping and making it out to be less than it really is. You may not notice it right away but validating a person's problems can really make them feel much more better. Hannah tried talking to the school counselor about her rape and he was jumping the topic all over and made her seem like she was over exaggerating the encounter. It's a no brainer why Hannah only felt worse about herself after the meeting.
4. Being pessimistic more often than not.
Constantly putting themselves down can be a sign of them not feeling important or a sense of "worthlessness". Instead of cutting someone off due to their new profound negativity try uplifting them. Compliments can really go a long way. Hannah became more negative towards the end of the show, saying she has no one and that nothing can go right for her or once things look up they shatter in front of her.
5. Changes in personality or appearance.
Believe it or not this is a possible sign of suicide. The possible shift in appearance could be a way to see if people are paying attention to you, if someone notices and comments it's as if you feel like you aren't so invisible. Personality wise this is a big one. People who end their lives tend to be more irritable in the end maybe a little more quiet than usual too.
6. Talking about death.
Subtle comments about life being over can seem not so serious but at times it is serious. When people get discouraged or something goes wrong they say their life is over but when a person talks about how having no hope, that life won't get better or it'll get worse, talking about being stuck or talking about being a burden. Listen to your friend. If they've been having a hard time lately, listen to them. Make them feel not so alone. Help them out with how to make things better. Make them feel important.
7. Recent "failures".
Being fired from a job can be very life altering, especially if the person is a grown-up who relies on their job for income to pay for their house/etc. Failing a class or even a grade is a huge depressor. Flunking out of college is a big one too. Having to take an exam that determines wether or not you become a doctor, lawyer, etc and failing it. Losing your house can feel like you're losing everything you have. Society tells us we can't have failures, we're practically shamed for failing at anything. Failures are not a bad thing because they show us how good it feels to succeed.
8. Life changes.
Losing a close friend or family member has a wide spread effect on a person. Some people aren't effected by this but some people it's as if their world has shattered. Moving to a new city and not knowing anyone can be depressing because you feel alone almost like an outsider. Getting a divorce is a big life change too.
9. Increase use of alcohol or drugs.
Drinking is a depressant. It may numb everything for awhile but the problems are very much there and a hangover makes it worse. Using any type of substance isn't good when you're battling your demons. When that use is increased or used to a more apparent extent that is when things are worrisome. If you notice someone is drinking or doing any type of drugs more so than usual ask what's going on. There is a bigger chance there is something wrong if they are using more than usual or especially if they start using. Again, listen to them.
10.Being subject to any kind of abuse.
Abusive relationships can be life altering. They can take you to some really dark and scary places. Abuse can be physical, mental and emotional or intimate. Being told you aren't good enough time after time it can start to feel true. Having pain inflicted on you by someone close to you is indescribable. Being a victim of abuse can be soul crushing. Living in a household where you witness any type of abuse is traumatizing. The effects linger of being abused or seeing abuse may never go away but learning how to handle these effects can make it much easer to deal with.
11. Being bullied.
Everyone knows this is a risk factor but people are just now seeing how serious this can get. Bullying isn't okay. Making someone feel less of a person isn't okay. Spreading false facts around about a person especially when it makes them look bad isn't okay either. We might never know the true reason for this behavior but it happens more often than not. End it before it gets out of hand. Bullying is so extreme that kids do end their lives because of it. No it's not an excuse to take their life and they aren't over reacting or anything, it's an actual reason and risk factor. Families pack up and leave towns and schools because of bullying. It's that serious.
12. Quitting.
Hannah quit her job before she took her life, she cleaned up her room and made amends with people. Withdrawing from school, leaving a job, ending relationships it's all at an end. The person who's showing this sign is at the end of their road and it's very likely their mind is made up. Once it gets this far it's hard to come back. Quitting any kind of commitment in their life is like cleaning up for their family and loved ones after they have passed so they don't have to deal with it all. It's taking off the band-aid.
13. Saying goodbye.
Almost every victim of suicide says goodbye to their loved ones. Whether it's like things like saying "merry christmas!" in June, how much they're going to miss you, telling you how much they love and care for you, giving things away. These are all signs. Goodbye can be subtle or it can be so apparent it makes you confused; why are they telling me this? Most survivors don't see the goodbye till after they lose the person that they love. This is the most heartbreaking part I think because most of the time you're blind to this with no tip of what's to come.
Suicide is heartbreaking. That's all I can say. It hurts looking back and seeing what you could've done. It hurts feeling like you didn't do enough. It hurts with the settling thought that you didn't make that person feel loved enough. It hurts. You couldn't of done anything at this point though. You didn't know what this person's intentions were, by the time there was any possibility you did know you still wouldn't of saved them because at that point their mind was made up. I don't know what's worse; seeing what you could've done that maybe you could've helped that person or the fact that their mind was already made up to end their life.
If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide please call 1-800-273-8255
* This is in no way putting the blame on anyone for the loss of a person due to suicide. There is no real way to fully prevent suicide but there are little steps.
** These signs were shown in the Netflix series 13 Reasons Why and taken off from suicide prevention sites as well as from my past experience with losing my father to suicide.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
https://www.save.org/about-suicide/warning-signs-r...
https://afsp.org/about-suicide/risk-factors-and-wa...
