Like so many "13 Reasons Why" fans, I finished the second season within the first couple days it came out. I know there are a lot of people who don’t agree with the way the show portrays sensitive topics, but because of that I’ve never been able to relate to a show more in my life.
I could’ve ended up like Hannah Baker.
In the first season, when Hannah is talking to Mr. Porter right before her death, I could feel the pain in her words. I was thinking all of the same things she was the day I almost tried to kill myself. When she said the words “I need everything to stop,” my heart dropped. I couldn’t have thought of a better way to say it.
Suicidal thoughts don’t just come out of nowhere. They’re built up over time. They come when your heart has been broken so many times that there’s no part of it left to break. In my case, it was the built up thoughts I had from people making me feel bad about my disability.
But over time those thoughts started to fade and I survived. I chose to stay.
*Spoiler alert* At the end of the second season of 13 Reasons Why, Mrs. Baker gives Clay a list she found that Hannah made. It said “Reasons Why Not.” Hannah had made a list of all of the reasons she could’ve chosen to stay.
Even though Hannah let her demons get to her and chose to go, there are always more reasons why to stay.
These are my reasons why I chose to stay:
1. Snowy days.
If I’m gone, I’ll never get to see how beautiful the snow looks sparkling in the sun. I’ll never get to see Christmas lights while snowflakes hit my shirt again. I’ll never get to taste hot chocolate again while roasting marshmallows in the fireplace.
2. Summer nights.
I’ll never feel a warm summer breeze again. I won’t get to see lightning bugs fly around while I sit outside with my best friend and have the weirdest and deepest conversations ever. I’ll never get to swim in a pool or go to the 4th of July carnival again.
3. Amusement park rides.
I’ll never get to feel the excitement of going on my favorite rides again.
4. The beach.
I won’t get to ever go in the ocean again or hear seagulls fly around as I feel the warm sand. The seagulls at the beach always make me laugh and if I’m gone, I won’t get to see them try to steal food off the boardwalk again.
5. Music.
I’ll never get to hear my favorite songs again or do one of the things I love the most—sing.
6. My future family.
I might get to have a family of my own one day and if I’m gone, that will never be a possibility. It won’t be possible for me to fulfill my dreams of getting married and having kids one day. I know I’ll be able to teach them things other parents can’t because of everything I’ve been through in my life. If I leave now, I’ll never get a chance to do that.
7. All of the places I haven’t been yet.
One of my biggest dreams is to travel the world and if I leave now, I’ll never know what it’s like to explore other countries. I’ve never even left the east coast and I won’t get a chance to see any other places if I’m not here anymore.
8. My cats.
(At the time I was depressed I still had both of my cats. I only have one now.) I’ll never get to feel either of my cats’ soft fur again or hear them purr while they sit on me and cuddle with me. I won’t ever get to see them play around again and make me laugh when I’ve had a bad day.
9. All of the times I almost died but survived.
The doctors told my parents I wouldn’t live past seven when they diagnosed me. I’ve lived my whole life with a chronic illness and even though the past few years I’ve been pretty healthy, I used to get sick all of the time. I almost died a couple times when I was little because of breathing issues. I always thought there has to be a reason why I’m still here and I survived so many times when I shouldn’t have. It’s a gift to still be alive. I can’t give up now.
10. Writing.
This is my dream. If I leave now, I’ll never get a chance to make my dreams a reality and be able to write books. I’ll never get to possibly inspire others with the books I write and get people to see what it’s like to live differently than they do.
11. My friends.
I have the greatest friends I could ever ask for. They are always there for me when I’m having a hard time and always know how to make me feel better. If I’m gone, I’ll never get to see them again. I won’t ever get to goof around with them and feel what it’s like to laugh so hard that I’m crying again. They are the only ones who know how to make me laugh like that and it’s one of the best feelings in the world to do that with the people you love. If I leave, it will hurt them when they find out what I did.
12. My family.
My parents and my family have done so much for me. I’ll never get to hug them or hear them tell me they love me again if I leave. I won’t ever get to hear my parents’ goofy, sarcastic jokes again. I won’t ever get to see them again and I don’t even want to think about how much it would affect them if I choose to leave.
13. God.
He is the main reason why I’m still here. He was the one I thought about the most that night I almost chose to leave. He has helped me get through so much already and I didn’t want to let Him down. He gave me the gift of still being alive. I didn’t want to go against everything He already did for me and end the life He gave me early. He’s the one that loves me the most and since I chose to stay, I have gotten closer to Him in ways I never could have imagined. I’ve felt His love and I know now that He will be there for me the rest of the days I’m here and after that.
No matter how many reasons why, there is always more why not.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741.
