"Hey, it's [Cassie. Cassie Wagmeister.] That's right. Don't adjust your… Whatever device you're [reading] this on. It's me. Live and in [poetry]. No return engagements, no encore, and this time, absolutely no requests. Grab a snack, settle in. Because I'm about to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, why my life hasn't ended. And if you're [reading this poem], you're one of the reasons why."
Over the years, I've had a hard time finding reasons to live. My friends didn't care about me, my family didn't even notice I was there, I wondered what I was even doing on this earth. Sometimes, I still wonder. I wonder what I could possibly have to offer this world, I wonder what I could possibly mean to anybody. It's like a tidal wave- sudden, without warning, and once you're drowning, it seems like you'll never taste oxygen again. I wish I could make it so nobody understood what I was talking about.
But there was one person who did. One person that represented an entire community of lost teenagers that couldn't find a way to escape. One person that proved to us that suicide most definitely is an option, and we need to start acknowledging it.
Hannah Baker. Yes, she as an individual was fictional, but her story was not. Every day, people choose to take their own life because the world around them offered them nothing. They feel trapped in the airtight cast that is their own skin, and they want out. They'll go to drastic measures to find a way out.
I was Hannah Baker once. I knew when I was going to do it. I had drafts upon drafts of notes written out. I had lost all passion, all drive, all motivation. I just wanted to die. Sometimes, very recently, in fact, I still do.
Hannah Baker inspired me. Not to create tapes and send them to people before I die, but to make a list. And alas, here is the list I wish Hannah would have made. I wish she could have seen what she had to live for. I hope everyone sees what they are here for.
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i.
I never believed in fate.
I refuse to believe that my life is in anyone's hands but my own.
However, I've come across some people in my life
That made me feel like they were supposed to be there.
"She's my best friend because we are supposed to be each other's best friends,"
"He's in my life so neither of us ever feel alone,"
And I wonder what would become of them if I weren't around.
What would become of me if they weren't around?
Would she still have a best friend?
Would he have someone to turn to?
And this leads me to the thought of,
"Would my soulmate die alone if I were gone?"
And oddly enough, the thought is comforting.
I want the future love of my life to know he is loved,
To know that he will always have a best friend,
Someone to turn to,
That he will never feel worthless again.
Who would that person be if not me?
What if some of us are meant for others,
And that's all we get?
So I stay for him.
And for the kids - be them human or puppies.
I just know that I want to support life in this world.
What would I be depriving them of if those kids didn't have a mother?
I just can't do that.
So I stay for them.
ii.
My suicidal thoughts have a bad habit of coming around after I've been casted in a play.
I love acting. I love performing, being on stage, leaving my heart on it.
I love being under the lights, surrounded by my troupe.
Would they be affected without me?
I honestly don't know.
But I do know that if I had gone through with the one suicide date I'd ever set,
I would have missed out on knowing some incredible people.
My parts would have gone to someone else -
A few someone elses.
There would be one less thespian in Nevada,
One less member of Spontaneous Liftoff, our improv team.
And whether or not that means anything,
I don't want to give it up just yet.
So to my theatre family,
I thank you.
I stay for you.
iii.
One of the most horrendous thoughts that can entire your mind
Is the vision of your family walking in to find your lifeless body
On the floor, hanging from the ceiling,
In a bathtub.
If you're ever feeling masochistic, put that image into your brain.
You're bound to feel your heart shatter in your chest and leak out of your wrists.
Your parents see your life flash before their eyes.
Your siblings cannot comprehend what it is you've done.
Then they have to pay for the funeral,
They have to look through and sell your things,
They have to file lawsuits against the people they think did this to you
When you did it to yourself.
Mom, Dad, I know I'm a burden already,
But that would be too much.
I stay to spare you that.
iv.
My family was never consistent in their love, support, or sincerity.
I promised myself that I always would be.
I would make sure that my family knows they can come to me about anything.
I would be the epitome of the family I always wanted.
I would be the built in best friend,
The role model,
The unconditional support system,
Everything I never had.
And while I know that my nephew is loved,
I know I have to do that for him.
I have to.
Nathanael, I am here for you.
I love you. I will always love you.
I want to watch you grow up.
Nathanael, I stay for you.
v.
One of the greatest arguments I've ever heard in favor of life is,
"Your dog would never understand why you never came home."
And the thought was too much for me to bear.
My pooch has only been in my life for two years,
But I know that I could never do that to him.
Who would walk him?
Who would sneak him pizza crust?
Who would blast him all over the internet?
I need him,
He needs me just as badly.
He saves me simply because I cannot leave him.
Fluffy, I stay for you.
vi.
Eighth grade was rough for me.
I didn't think anything would get me through,
It seemed like my world was falling apart.
I had no idea that it would bring one of the most important people to my life.
Someone who understands and accepts the worst sides of me.
Someone who puts my best interest ahead of her own,
Even though she really shouldn't.
She is the reason I survived the worst year of my life.
She is the reason I came to school at all that year.
She is the reason I have self-captured videos of Brendon Urie on my phone.
She is the reason I can sing in sign language.
Danielle, your impact me is far greater than you realize.
You are a beautiful person, inside and out.
You are the first person I've ever had a photo shoot with,
Meaning you helped me recognize one of the most important factors of my character.
You help me when I need it them most,
You prove yourself to be a best friend every day that I know you.
You stayed in touch,
You came to both nights of Fire Exit,
You let me rant about things you don't even understand.
You are selfless, you give the best advice, you are one of the most important people in my life.
I can always count on you for a laugh or a 3am conversation.
I couldn't be more grateful.
Danielle, I stay for you.
vii.
My best friend has been in my life since we were in first grade.
We grew up together.
We don't have to see each other every day for the connection to last.
With her, there is never a dull moment.
With her, there is love and there is comfort and there is trust.
My best friend has been there for me since long before the world started to destroy me.
She has been a shoulder to cry on,
She has been equally excited for all of my accomplishments,
Her support is never ending,
I can see a future with her.
We're going to realize our dreams together,
Because we always have.
Every day with her is enough to be grateful for.
I would be a very different person if she weren't by my side,
If we weren't fighting this battle together.
She is the embodiment of positivity,
She keeps everything together for me.
She is my rock,
My escape route,
She is one of the best things I've ever had.
I cannot bear the thought of leaving her.
We need each other.
Zoe Anne Dockery,
I stay for us.
viii.
We all need a beacon of hope.
Something to guide us home when we're lost at sea.
Some of us have religion, faith.
Something greater than ourselves.
Now, I've never needed religion.
I've always been content without it,
It never felt like anything was missing.
But there was.
I was missing something worth fighting for.
I was missing something that made me want to stay,
Something I could dedicate myself to entirely,
Something I could turn to in the darkest times of my life.
But I can't very well force myself to believe in something I just don't.
And that's where he came in.
I don't have a god,
I have a boy that is going to change the world -
And I know, because he changed mine.
When I was on the metaphorical edge,
Looking for any reason not to hurt myself,
Not to start May with the end of me,
He was there.
After everything we've been through,
He was still there.
Willingly and wholeheartedly.
He makes me feel like I've impacted something beyond me.
That I have a reason for being here -
Even if neither of us understand what that is yet.
He has been an inspiration to me,
He has been a friend, an advisor,
And he saved my life that night.
And every day since has been because of the promise I made him.
He told me that he'd better see me at school then next day.
"Tomorrow," being the word he actually used.
And I promised that he would.
And as I continue to think about it,
I realize that time is a man made concept.
There is no tomorrow.
Tomorrow is simply the future,
Every moment of the future from this point on.
I promised him my tomorrow,
And I am not one to back out on my word.
Every time I think about giving up,
I will think about the promise.
Every one of my tomorrows are for him.
Thank you for my tomorrows, CJ.
Thank you for the rest of my life.
I stay for you.
ix.
Everything good in my life can be traced back to one decision I made in the first grade.
It seems crazy to think that my future began when I was that young, but it's true.
When I was 11 years old,
I had no idea what I was going to do in middle school.
I don't have the patience for learning musical instruments,
And I've never been good at anything artistic.
What elective was I supposed to take?
Wasn't that it?
I went to 6th grade orientation
I watched as everyone else's future was laid out in front of them.
I would've walked out there had I not broken my leg the month before.
Just as I was losing hope,
You came up to speak.
You talked about a class for the writers,
A class that counted as an elective credit.
You told us how only 6 of us would be allowed to join,
And I knew I had to be one of them.
I had to.
Filling out the application to join Publications was the single greatest decision I've ever made.
It wasn't just the class itself,
Though the class was incredible,
It was the ripple effect that came from it.
I made some lifelong friendships;
Sabrina, my big sister.
Jill, forever my mentor.
And I found a new passion.
I had never taken a picture before being in yearbook,
And now I want to do it for the rest of my life.
I became a better writer,
I found my calling, I learned what responsibility meant
I became a leader.
Being in that class changed my life,
Changed me,
For the better.
Thank you, Mr. Wright.
You are my John Keating.
You were the only adult I trusted for a really long time.
You saw something in me I still don't,
And it still means everything to me.
I get help because of you.
I stopped hurting myself because of you.
I'm alive because of you.
x.

Role models are so important.

They give you something to strive for.

They give you an idea of the kind of person you want to grow into

When you're still figuring out who you are now.

One of the many role models I am fortunate to have

Came into my life because I took a chance.

I thought spoken word was a talent,

And I wasn't the only one.

It turns out, someone I was once intimidated to talk to shared the same passion as me.

From that point on, conversation came easy.

Who was once a stranger became someone I valued most.

Someone more like a brother than anything else.

Someone whose advice I take to heart,

Someone I associate with everything important to me.

Tucker, your friendship is more important to me than you know.

Knowing that you are an outlet,

Someone I can turn to,

Means everything.

A mere "thank you" will never be enough.

Thank you for trusting me with your poetry,

Thank you for inspiring some of my own.

Thank you.

If I were to end up even a slight resemblance of you,

I'd consider myself very accomplished.

Thank you.

I stay alive to see that version of me.

I stay alive because you invested your time in me,

And I want you to realize the impact you have.

I stay alive because of you.

xi.
It's amazing how one can go from being a stranger,
To being one of the most influential people in your life.
How a mere individual's words can change you.
How they don't have to do anything for you to think the world of them,
They just own it.
The amount of love we can have for someone,
The candle we hold them to.
One of my upmost favorite people in this world got to that point without even trying.
I value his position in my life more than most.
He's one of the genuinely good people in this world,
And I need him.
My best friends need him.
There is an entire community of people out there that needs him.
He's one of those people that gives his everything to everyone else,
Leaves his heart out there like the world is the stage he holds so dearly,
And still doesn't believe it's enough.
You tell him you're not doing well,
And the first thing he asks is,
"Can I help?"
And I think that is the most incredible thing.
We need to cherish people like him when we are lucky enough to find them.
They are rare, and humanity as a whole does not deserve them.
They change the lives of everyone they come into contact with.
They have something about them that makes you love every part of them.
They deserve to receive everything they give,
Yet they'd refuse it if you offered.
Anyone who knows me knows the amount of love, respect, and admiration I have for you,
O Captain! My Captain!
Myles Lee.
You are why I'm still here.
I mean that wholeheartedly.
Without you in my life,
I don't know if I would even have one.
I hope you realize the impact you've had,
How loved and appreciated you truly are.
You are everything good about the society we've created.
You send pictures of dogs and good music when I need it the most.
You let me cry to you,
Even if it's for the millionth time.
Your words of encouragement are what keep me going in my worst moments.
You don't realize that you save me simply by having a conversation with me.
I consider it an honor.
I sincerely do.
To have gotten to a point of mutual friendship with you means more than I could ever express.
I promised you I would stay alive.
Once again, I don't go back on my word.
"Thank you" will never be enough,
But you said staying alive would.
So I will.
Thank you for making me one of your starfish.
xii.
My platonic soulmate,
My best friend,
And my sister;
I am so lucky to say that they are all the same person.
When I saw my idol in concert,
She was there.
Right in front of me.
I commented on her friend's outfit in my head,
And I didn't meet her until afterwards.
That was almost a year ago.
To this day, we've never met in person,
But she is still the strongest connection I have.
I appreciate her more than anyone in this world.
I trust her, I love her, I admire her,
And I see me in her.
I see her struggle with my problems from a year ago,
And while I'm still questioning fate,
I know that we were supposed to cross paths.
She is the most healthy relationship I have.
Ours is a two way street,
Full of love, laughter, and even tears.
We help each other, we support each other,
We are everything a friendship should be.
I longed for that for years,
And I found it in the most amazing person imaginable.
Kimberly Pida,
You are everything to me.
I hope you know that.
You are my partner in crime,
You are the person I trust most in this world,
You are the highlight of my worst days.
The only thing I would change about you is the way you see yourself.
If you could see yourself the way I see you,
If only for a moment,
You would have more than a sufficient amount of self love.
You'd never feel insecure again,
And you deserve that.
Babe, I need you.
I believe we need each other.
And that's why I'm alive-
I want to save you with me.
I want to fight with you,
I want to make it out of this with you,
I want us to be okay.
We're going to do it together.
I love you.
I'm here for you.
I'm alive for you.
xiii.
Two of the most important people on this list
Stemmed from the same connection.
And that is why I am such an advocate for it.
Mr. Wright, this may as well be a second thank you letter to you.
I went the very first time because you urged me to.
I mention it at least once a day,
And I am not exaggerating when I say;
PB&J Leadership Camp saved my life.
It was my second year that got me to stop self harming,
It was where I met Myles and Tucker,
It's where I feel most at home,
It's where my real family is.
I became a leader through the program.
I found somewhere I belong.
I became youth staff to give back to it what I'd gotten out.
It gives me a sense of purpose,
And it's the biggest reason I am still here.
I live and breathe the PB&J lifestyle,
I consider it an honor and a privilege to be part of the family,
To be able to spread the message,
To be involved in any way, shape, or form.
I want to carry on its legacy for the rest of my life.
I want to pass the morals along as best I can,
Be the designated driver,
Steer people away from drugs and alcohol.
It is the healthiest part of my life,
There is nothing else that can put a genuine smile on my face so easily.
I am here because of PB&J.
And Kimberly.
And Myles.
And Tucker.
And Mr. Wright.
And CJ.
And Zoe.
And Danielle.
And Fluffy.
And Nathanael.
And Mom, and Dad.
And Troupe 5489.
And my future family.
You all cared just enough,
You were all there right when I needed you.
Every breath I take,
Every time my heart beats,
Every new day that I make it from beginning to end,
Is because of you.
I hope you understand how important you all are to me.
In the most sincere definition,
I thank you, from the bottom of my heart,
Thank you for making me want to stay.
Thank you for saving my life.