2016 was a wild year, probably the wildest I’ve ever experienced in my short lifetime. If 2017 is anything like 2016 was, we better buckle our seat belts, America, because it’s gonna be another wild ride. Here are 13 of my predictions for the year 2017. If any of these actually happen, you’ll know exactly who to talk to…
1. Shonda Rhimes will drop the hottest rap album of the year.
Her 16 song EP under her rapping alter ego, Shonda Rhymes, will top the Hip Hop charts for at least 8 weeks.
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2. Trump will reveal he is, in fact, a secret liberal.
Of course plenty of conspiracy theories have surfaced about Donald Trump being a secret liberal and playing the part of uber-conservative just to get the presidency. However, come January 21st, Trump will come out as a liberal, causing VP Mike Pence to drop dead on the spot due to cardiac arrest.
3. Bernie Sanders will reveal to Hillary Clinton he does have access to the fountain of youth, allowing him to live forever.
Pretty soon the rest of the world will find out, too, because unfortunately, they choose to communicate through - get this - emails.
4. Kim Kardashian will have another kid.
Who she will name something like Thermos or Angle or Vanilla Bean. Of course all the middle age moms will go crazy trying to follow Kim’s post-pregnancy diet and workout regime. I’m sorry, Karen, but it just can’t be done by an average mortal like yourself.
5. Taylor Swift will be apart of yet another scandal and will play the victim, as per usual.
Sorry Swifties, you know it's true. Whether it's a boyfriend scandal or something more similar to the Kimye Famous scandal of 2016, we all know Taylor will be the center of some type of drama. That still won’t stop her from being one of the highest paid celebrities of the year.
6. One Direction will get back together.
This isn’t really a prediction, it’s definitely more of a wish… Please, @zaynmalik, please…
7. Twitter will cease to exist.
Following the pattern of its daughter company Vine, in 2017 twitter CEO will make so many poor finance decisions, the company will go bankrupt and our beloved Twitter will no longer exist. You're gonna need a new news feed, America (see below).
8. Snapchat will become the #1 source of news.
We all knew this was coming. They didn’t create those discover stories for nothing. And we KNOW you all claim to get your news from “reliable” sources like the CNN app or Twitter (or me?) but we all know you really get your news from Snap. I see you.
9. Apple will come out with the iPhone 8.
And all iPhones that are 7 or earlier will simultaneous coincidentally break!!!
10. Starbucks will come out with some crazy complicated drink probably containing coffee, and everyone will go crazy acting as if it's the elixir of the Gods.
The Trenta Venti Triple Caramel Espresso Latte. Or something.
11. Lin Manuel Miranda will host the Tony’s.
If he’s not playing Hamilton himself, does he really have anything better to do except represent Broadway’s finest and host the most important night in the theater world?
12. Kristen Stewart and Cara Delevingne will star in an adorable lesbian rom com together, and then promptly end up dating.
I mean can you picture it? They’d be such a power couple.
13. The Chicago Bears will win the Superbowl.
Despite currently sitting at 2,000 to 1 odds, Matt Barkley will lead the Bears to a victory on February 5th this year, including a shocking halftime performance from Kanye West and Shonda Rhymes.
