Ah, the subway. How you cease to amaze me. There’s been some recent controversy with the MTA and how horrible it’s been to New Yorkers, but all the hubbub is stirring up memories. I remember my first trip on the subway and the countless amusing (albeit life-threatening) situations that came after. Have you ever been told you’d be chased down and have the life squeezed out of you? I have...good times. This article is for those of you who are new to the city and are wondering what happens the first time you take the subway. And every other time after that.

1. The descent down

If you don’t slip and fall first, you end up practically sprinting down the stairs because of the crowd of people behind you.

2. When the smell hits you

You start digging around for your perfume, poopourri, anything that can mask the awful smell that is the subway.

3. Buying a subway card

It doesn’t seem like it would be that hard. It’s just a machine that you put money into and get a card in return. But it might as well be rocket science. Half the time, the screen doesn’t realize you’re tapping on it, and the growing line of impatient subway-goers adds to the pressure.

4. Swiping the card at the turnstile

If it makes you feel better, Hillary Clinton couldn’t get it on the first try either.

5. Figuring out which side you need to be on

Sure, there are clear Uptown/Downtown signs, but reading goes out the window when you’re already frazzled.

6. Finding a place to stand on the platform

And because it’s your first time, you’re too scared to walk over the yellow line to get past people, so instead, you try to politely squirm through the crowd.

7. Seeing a rat run by

The first time I saw a rat, I wasn’t worried because it was on the tracks. Then it climbed up onto the platform and I regretted letting my guard down.

8. Waiting for the doors to open...and getting shoved out of the way

No one told you it was rude to stand directly in front of the doors and try to get on before they get off!

9. Being pressed up against weirdos

Why is he touching my hand? Don’t touch my hand. My hand was on the pole first. Find your own pole.

10. When a homeless person walks through your car

You don’t say anything, of course, but it’s very obvious when you move out of the way to avoid touching them.

11. Calling a friend so you look busy and getting stared at by everyone

People are glaring at you but you don’t know why. You clearly aren’t talking to them. Then you realize that no one else in the car is talking on their phone. There’s a reason for that. Learn to stand in uncomfortable silence because nobody likes hearing your phone conversation. Everyone else is alone here, too. You’re in this together. You don’t need to look busy.

12. Getting off the subway

Now you understand why people were so mad before. You’re so done by this point that you just shove through the people standing in front of the door and march towards the stairs to freedom.

13. Running up the stairs to fresh(er) air

Which stairs do you go up? Do you want to be on the NW corner or SW corner? Who the f*ck cares. You’re just happy to be above ground again.

You've made it. You survived the subway. You can't believe you went on it in the first place. And yet, after all the fear and exhaustion that comes with your first subway ride...you secretly can’t wait to do it again.