You don’t hear about asexuals much. Come to think of it, you probably don’t hear about them in the media at all. Asexuality is grossly underrepresented in the public sphere, so it’s no surprise that we’ve heard our fair share of uneducated questions and statements. Even those with the best of intentions can accidentally sound totally rude by saying things like “you just haven’t met the right one yet.” In an attempt to diminish some of the dismissal and erasure of asexual identities, here are 13 things that asexuals are tired of hearing.

1. "You just haven't met the right one yet."

That isn’t how asexuality works. You don’t just meet someone you click with and magically feel sexual attraction. That isn’t even how demisexuality works, and the entire premise of demisexuality is a lack of attraction until the right connection is formed. Meeting the “right one” doesn’t “cure” people under the asexual umbrella of their orientation.

2. "Oh, so you're just picky/not a whore? Okay, special snowflake."

Do you want to grind a demisexual’s gears? Do you want to rustle our feathers? Get our undies in a knot? Invalidate us by telling us that our inability to form sexual attraction without an emotional bond is really just a conscious decision that we made up for attention! After all, other people know more about our brains and bodies than we do, right?

3. "I can fix that."

We’re not broken. We don’t need to be fixed, we need to be accepted. Your skills will not magically give us sexual attraction. Whether we enjoy sex or not is really dependent on each individual, but no amount of sex is going to make us attracted.

4. "You'll change your mind later/you're just a late bloomer."

This is misleading, dangerous rhetoric that implies that you’re somehow not fully matured until you’ve proven that you have the ability to be sexually attracted to people. We’re not “late bloomers,” we just don’t experience sexual attraction. As a result, many of us choose to not engage in the action. Those who do, aren’t any less asexual, nor are they somehow more mature or “bloomed” than those of us who still haven’t, or never will, engage in sexual acts. This rhetoric can also scare younger queer kids who are still figuring themselves out. Someone might identify as asexual for a couple of years, and then have an experience that makes them realize that they aren’t, and that’s okay. The “you’ll change your mind later” phrase might be true for a very small portion of people who currently identify on the asexual spectrum, but on the whole, it’s damaging to treat someone’s sexual orientation as if it’s just some edgy phase. Chances are, if we know we get made fun of, invalidated, and erased for saying we’re made a certain way, but still claim this identity, we’re not making it up for attention. It’s who we really are.

5. "You can't be asexual if you're in a relationship."

A romantic relationship does not require sex. For hypersexuals, it may be a necessity, but those on the asexual spectrum, we are perfectly capable of having romantic interests without the end goal of getting under the other person’s bedsheets (unless it’s to make pillow forts and cuddle).

6. "Oh, so you're celibate?"

Not necessarily. Celibacy is a choice to abstain from sex and is typically religious in nature. Not all asexuals abstain from sex. As I stated earlier, asexuality does not equal sex repulsion. Many asexuals actually enjoy the act itself, and just don’t feel any sexual attraction to other people. Some asexuals may be sex-repulsed, and some may choose to be celibate, but those who are celibate or sex-repulsed are no more asexual than the ones who enjoy sex. The premise of asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, not lack of sexual action.

7. "That's not a real thing."

It isn’t? Oh, wow. I didn't know. Thank you. I am cured of my asexuality. You should write a book.

8. "How do you know you're asexual if you've never had sex?"

That’s like asking a homosexual how they could possibly know that they’re homosexual if they’ve never been with someone of the same sex before. We know that it’s a ridiculous (and privacy-invading) question to ask someone who is gay/lesbian, so why would we ask that to an asexual? Some of us might have found out about our asexuality through multiple accounts of sexual encounters, but that isn’t the case for all of us, and it shouldn’t have to be in order for us to truly know that we are asexual.

9. "You're just selfish/a tease."

There are plenty of fish in the sea, my guy. We are not selfish for not being sexually attracted to you (nor are we teasing you; we really lack sexual attraction!).

10. "So you're just going to be alone forever?"

This statement also assumes that romance or forever-love requires sexual attraction. When you essentially tell us that we’ll never find love because we don’t want to have sex, that’s incredibly disheartening and it sounds plain rude. Lots of asexuals find love and lasting relationships.

11. "You probably have a childhood trauma that's repressing you."

This statement implies that 1) all asexuals have been abused and 2) all asexuals simply have a disease that can be cured. I don’t deny that somewhere out there, there’re plenty of people who have lost their sexual attraction because of abuse or trauma. That is an awful thing, and my heart and prayers go out to them. However, asexuals didn’t get the way they are from trauma. We never had sexual attraction to begin with (unless we’re demisexual, in which case, we never had sexual attraction until someone clicks with us in just the right way).

12. "You've got to want to f*** someone!"

Some of us do. However, there is a difference between “I want to have sex with them” and “I want to have sex with them.” For the asexuals who do enjoy sex, they don’t enjoy it because they’re attracted to the sex partner, they enjoy it because sex feels good to them.

13. "You can't be asexual; you aren't a plant."

Please stop. The joke is not funny anymore, nor was it ever funny to begin with. It’s literally dehumanizing. You are literally minimizing our sexual orientation to plant reproduction. It’s great that you remembered that terminology from middle school biology class, but it’s a very real orientation used to describe the way that very real people feel about sex.

This is by no means a complete list, but these are some of the most commonly heard things in response to someone saying that they are on the asexual spectrum. Folks, it’s 2017. We totally understand that asexuality can be confusing at times since we’re definitely not the majority of the population and asexuality is not a commonly covered topic in the media. Many of us are willing to answer genuine questions but don’t be surprised if an asexual is taken aback by any of the statements above. Answering real questions is one thing, but we should not have to waste our time to justify our existence every time someone says “oh, so you’re just not a whore?” or “but you’re not a plant.”