"What is wrong with him?" is exactly what I heard myself shout at my inanimate flat-screen on last Monday's episode of the ABC staple/cult classic "The Bachelor". Though new to this brand of reality trash, I still took it personally when three-time bachelor Nick neglected to give beauty salon boss lady Danielle Lombard (one of my picks for the top 3) a rose. And even a not-so-jaded watcher like myself can tell that this season of the show (or its sister show The Bachelorette) is unlike any before. And with the finale just a few (!) episodes away and Valentine's Day right around the corner, it only seems appropriate to comprise this season's most head-scratching moments into a definitive list.
1. Let's just get this one out of the way first: WHAT THE HELL, CORINNE?
Oh Corinne. How do we loathe thee? Let's count the times you've stolen Nick from the other women, gotten naked on national television, and basically broken every unspoken rule of this sacred program. Aside from these key issues, you also have a nanny, can't even manage to make yourself a nice bowl of "cheese pasta", and are unarguably the most disliked person living in the house. And yet, the saddest part of your on-screen persona is that we are all, collectively, having a tough time deciding if you are evil or just oblivious. Perhaps a little bit of both. You, my dear, are what's wrong with America.
2. I feel so bad for the 15 women who stay in the house on Episode 1.
If we're going to be honest, the second half of Nick's picks are really just getting great seats to watch the first two episodes live. You know who these women are: the ones you say oh, yeah... when you see them pop up on the screen for a nanosecond with Nick. The truth is that the millions of people who devote their Monday nights to watching "The Bachelor" can't hold onto 30 names in their memory banks and quite frankly, neither can Nick. So, second-string ladies, we're sorry.
3. They know they only met him, like, yesterday, right?
Pretty sure you can't get so emotionally invested in someone within 24 hours to the point where the thought of leaving them brings out the dry heaves and crocodile tears. Your relationship mimicked the lifespan of a carnival-won goldfish. In fact, the goldfish seemed to hold a little more promise.
4. What if nobody wins?
There's been more than enough online speculation that Nick might end up flying solo by the final episode. It makes sense, as he seems to be uneasy about this whole "one man to 30 women" ratio more often than not. And it's not completely his fault, granted that we've seen Nick heartbroken three times prior to becoming this season's leading man. Let's give the guy a break.
5. Thanks for the update, Chris Harrison.
If "The Bachelor" was a sport, Chris Harrison would be that referee, He feels the constant nee to point out the obvious and tries to make his already-insignificant role even an ounce more significant on camera? I mean, we have eyes and we can count that there is one rose left on the table. Do we need Chris to tell us it's the final rose? Hopefully not.
6. Oh, she's definitely going to be the new Bachelorette.
Half the fun of watching each season's earlier episodes is trying to guess which not-so-lucky lady will be chosen as next season's "Bachelorette". Perhaps its the girl who was sent home way too soon or the season mean girl *cough cough Corinne*. My current bet is on Christen, the 25-year-old wedding videographer from Oklahoma who missed out on a rose right before the top 15. However, it's anyone's guess at this point.
7. I wonder what Corinne's nanny is doing right now.
Whenever Corinne says something absurd, my mind begins to gravitate towards Raquel. For those who are unfamiliar, Raquel is 24-year-old Corinne's nanny (you read that correctly). According to Corinne, Raquel is the only person who can whip up her favorite snack (a sliced cucumber) just right and can make a mean batch of cheese pasta (which is NOT macaroni and cheese). Our condolences, Raquel.
8. DO NOT KISS HER.
As much fun as Nick and Vanessa's zero-gravity date looked, poor Vanessa's digestive system wasn't made for flying. And Nick, a perfect gentleman, tried to look past the fact that Vanessa had gotten a little airsick. But let's face it, this moment was a little cringe-worthy, even for the strongest of stomachs.
9. It was a shark, Alexis.
Leave it to the Jersey girl to start the season off with a bang. Rounding out the First Impressions night in a baby blue shark ensemble was none other than Alexis Waters (real name): 23-year-old "aspiring dolphin trainer" and this season's funny girl. And though there doesn't seem to be much that is traditional about her, Alexis is just as set on winning Nick's heart as the rest of the women in evening dresses and high heels around her. She just really likes dolphins.
10. Wait...what's that one's name again?
Oh, that's Danielle. Or... Lauren? No, Sarah. Honestly, these women should start wearing name tags, because I'm resorting to calling them "pretty blonde nurse" and "really smart brunette".
11. How sweet! She's a doctor/lawyer/teacher/etc.
Listen up, critics. Say what you'd like about this show, but these women are killing the career game. This season's crop of ladies include an attorney, a doula, a neonatal nurse, and a special education teacher. Needless to say, their combined resume would leave all of us unemployed. Now that'sgirl power.
12. Why am I watching this?
Just like there a cult following exists for those who watch "The Bachelor", there is just as big a movement for those who do not watch "The Bachelor". And yes, maybe this show can get a little cheesy at times, with the dialogues and the exaggerated exit interviews and what have you. However, I believe there is no excuse for judging this show and its fans from the outside looking in. Watch one episode and you'll see why this show has been one of the most successful television programs for 21 seasons now, I promise.
