My little brother, in addition to being the personification of sunshine, has special needs. In the fifteen years that he's existed, people have said some things that have made both of us cringe. Here's a list I've compiled of things to avoid saying to kids with special needs or to their families. Also, there's some anger here because the list involves some things said to one of my favorite people that are very hurtful. Please don't think I would lash out at any well-meaning person who makes a mistake. I wouldn't. I'm just being more blunt because I think it will help people to understand how upsetting these types of comments can be and how they can affect the loved ones of these wonderful children.
1. "What's wrong with you?"
This can come from a place of genuine curiosity, but that doesn't change the fact that it's really rude. Special needs kids are their own people. Just because they don't function like the children in your life, doesn't mean there's anything "wrong." These kids are exactly who they're meant to be. There's nothing wrong with that.
2. "You must be really rough on your family"
Please don't ever make a special needs child feel like a burden. People say this to me about my brother or to my brother all the time. It's offensive and often comes across as super condescending. Things are hard sometimes, sure, and we all make sacrifices. However, that's not because of my brother. That's because we're a family. Pinning all of that on him is very unfair and straight up mean.
3. "Why are you doing that weird thing with your body?"
Lots of kids need to stimulate to help remain calm. For my brother, it's lying down on the floor and rolling around. It's a sign that he's upset and is trying to keep from having a panic attack. Making someone feel weird about something they're doing to self-stabilize is only going to worsen the problem. Don't do that.
4. "You're stupid."
NO. That's just not true and so incredibly inappropriate. You wouldn't say that to other children, so why would you say it to a special needs child? They aren't less than. Everyone is smart in their own way. That includes special needs children. Don't you dare pick on them just because they'd sometimes have a tougher time defending themselves. Don't be a jerk.
5. "The r-word"
Do I really need to explain why you shouldn't say a slur to a person? Just don't say this and don't use it to describe other things either.
6. "You don't look special needs!"
This is my brother dressed as a penguin for Christmas last year. He looks angry because he's awake at 7am, but he's also dressed as a penguin so it doesn't quite have much of an effect.
I think this is meant to be a compliment? But it's just confusing and also kind of mean. What does having special needs "look like" and why is it a bad thing? I'm confused. My brother is also confused. Please don't say this to him anymore.
7. "Can you control yourself?"
Put yourself in my brother's shoes for a minute. He can understand English but he can't speak it, so he's lived his whole life really struggling to communicate and watching others do that so easily. That's frustrating and would freak you out sometimes, right? So yeah, just like any person who's going through something difficult, Ronnie gets upset occasionally. He isn't alone in that. Every kid has their own unique struggles and for many special needs kids, those struggles are amplified. Don't be mean to them when they get frustrated or scared.
8. "You're not normal"
Ronnie and his best friend, Olivia, who is very sassy and also my favorite.
Alright, what is "normal?" And why do you get to judge what is and isn't normal? There's no need for this comment.
9. "Are you off your meds?"
a particularly great selfie of my brother wherein he isn't mad at me for taking his picture and even smiles for it.
Yeah, this has been said. It's invasive, rude, and none of your business. Unless you're a doctor and this is a medical visit, try to avoid this.
10. "Howwwww....areeeeeee.....youuuuuuuu?"
He's laughing at me because right before this was taken, he pushed me off the couch.
Speaking slowly if a kid has trouble processing things and you've been told that will help is one thing, and it's great when people try to make adjustments for others. But it's important to note not every kid needs that. My brother, for example, will look at me like "What? Why? Is this person ok??" when people do this to him. He understands you. This isn't necessary.
11. The hand thing
You know the one. It involves a limp wrist and a spastic motion. Our president once did it about a reporter, and it was gross. This is the most ignorant and ugly thing I've ever seen. We've already discussed why bullying a special needs child just because you think they're an easier target is the worst. This is really low and it makes you an awful person for doing it . Learn. Be better. Don't ever, EVER do this.
12. "You must be so sad"
Ronnie's track team won first place this year. He looks anything but sad in this picture.
Here's the thing. I know this is usually meant with good intentions and that people who say it are trying to be empathetic. It's good that you're trying and that's appreciated. However, this particular phrase comes off very patronizing and like you think there's no hope for a special needs kid. They can still live wonderful and fulfilling lives. Special needs kids should be treated with kindness and patience, but they do not need your pity.
I want to be very clear that I'm just one person who loves her brother very much. I'm no expert on this, just a person who cares who wants to offer advice. I've encountered some negative people, sure, but I've also been blessed to know absolutely brilliant people, who open their arms to Ronnie just as they would to anyone else. My brother is an amazingly warm, kind, and smart person who is a joy and a gift to anyone lucky enough to know him. I'm so proud of this kid and grateful for everyone who feels the same way I do. Ronnie deserves all the love in the world, and some very cool people have done all in their power to make that happen for him.
sunrise
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bonfire friends
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sadness
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purple skies
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