It’s that time of year again! The time of year that Ben Stiller describes in "Night at the Museum 3," saying, “[The Jews] really weren’t happy. They left. They spent about 40 years in the desert trying to escape. We have a dinner once a year and talk about it.”
The best, longest dinner that any Jew has to sit through! Passover. It starts April 22nd at sundown.
For you goyim out there, it’s essentially a holiday where we talk about how bad things used to be and how good things are now. Then eat a bunch of food that weirdly represents things at a long dinner, called a Seder. Definitely a highlight of the year for any Jews.
If you are a Jew, you’re probably looking forward to Passover this year! However, there are a few tips that you cannot forget. Follow these to have a fun and exciting Passover dinner!
1. Eat a lot of leavened bread beforehand.
When your friends hear that you're not supposed to be eating bread on Passover.
Even a very non traditional Jew, such as I, will often restrict themselves from eating leavened bread before Passover. I think it’s supposed to make up for us not keeping kosher the rest of the year. However, this can be a very drastic change to make! Many people may head into the holiday thinking: “I’ll be fine, I won’t miss bread that much.” You will be surprised, however; you will find yourself craving this carb. My advice? Stock up on bread beforehand and stuff yourself with it. After a while, you’ll find yourself sick of leavened bread and welcome the crumbly, dry mess that is matzah. You might even switch entirely to matzah in the future! That way, you could leave your house quicker every morning without waiting for your bread to rise
2. Cram and try to remember the lyrics to Dayenu.
There's a karaoke version if you need to practice. Fun for parties!
Some old person will start singing it, most likely. If worse comes to worse, you can just memorize the chorus (hint: that's the Dayenu part). It’s not that hard.
3. Don’t fall asleep.
Clearly not someone at a Seder (note the leavened bread), but a feeling we've all experienced.
This is a long dinner! But don’t fall asleep. If your 90 year old bubbe can stay awake, so can you.
4. Let the younger kids find the afikomen this time.
Sad, but true. Don't make it worse by starting any fist fights!
Look, we get it. It’s very competitive and you like to win. And it probably was hidden in a pretty conspicuous place. But you’re an adult, and you are too old to fight with your younger cousins about the hunt (even if you did find it first). You will get no pleasure in beating a six year old at a overly complicated game of hide and seek with a piece of bread. Trust me.
5. Try experimenting with more ways to eat Matzah.
Do people actually eat maztah when it isn't Passover?!
This is such a kitschy tumblr girl thing, but matzah with nutella is really good. Nutella is kosher, so if one of your grandparents complain you can tell them you’re being an authentic Jew (Well, it actually depends on how traditional you’re trying to be on Passover, considering it has corn syrup).
It’s cheap and easy to apply to bread, and I’m sure if the Hebrews in Egypt could have put this on their matzah, they would have.
Why not a peanut butter and nutella matzan sandwich?
6. Watch Prince of Egypt.
A movie that actually makes Egyptian people look like they're from Africa? Scandalous!
One of the best Jewish holiday movies besides Eight Crazy Nights (that’s a joke). It’s the entire Passover story, animated and in song! It also has a very good cast (Voldemort voices Ramses). I highly recommend it for Passover viewing or for showing your goy friend who has no idea what Passover is about.
7. DON’T FALL ASLEEP!
When I say don't fall asleep, I mean it!
I know it took your five year old cousin a long time to read the four questions, and that you’re exhausted and hungry. You can survive on salt water dipped herbs for just a little bit longer.
8. Don’t drink all the manischewitz.
We know that taking sips from the cup is part of the Seder. But I’m pretty sure nowhere did it say drink the whole bottle by yourself. Do not do it. Leave some for the kids who only ever get to drink wine legally once a year (the wine and the four questions were both put in there to keep the kids interested, I think)
9. Let Elijah into your heart (and house).
Yeah, you Christians get Santa, but we get creepy ghost Dumbledore coming to our houses every year!
Elijah is that cool guy that gets invited to everyone’s parties, but probably won’t come to yours for more than a few seconds. That being said, remember to bring him some wine and open the door to invite him in (the same rules that apply to vampires also apply to Jewish prophets). Don’t do what my brother did a few years ago and pour the wine out on the garden plants yelling: “Pour one out for my homie Elijah!”
10. Remember to recline.
Guy on the far right is good a good job at reclining, guy sitting on the back left is probably congratulating him on a job well done.
Once you get to the last of the four questions, “On all other nights we eat sitting or reclining, and on this night we only recline”, there’s always that split second of panic when everyone realizes that they haven’t been reclining this whole time. Then there’s the little shift when everyone moves to exaggerate their recline. Don’t be caught looking like a fool this year! Remember to recline the moment you sit down. This is the only time of year where your mother won’t tell you to sit up.
11. Indulge on haroset.
If the pyramids were made out of this stuff, I bet they'd be a lot more popular.
Everyone thinks their mother makes the best haroset (they’re all wrong, because it's my mom that does!) Metaphorical mortar has never tasted so good! Make sure to have as much as you want; you deserve it after that long Seder.
12. Don’t fall asleep!
Somebody Photoshop some wine into his hand, stat!
Is grandpa dead or asleep? We don’t know, but make sure you keep your eyes open!
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