The Clown-pocalypse is upon us. Somewhere Stephen King is laughing at us all as clowns roam the country dragging children into the woods and chasing joggers with pitchforks. The amazing irony of this mass panic over clowns during the most absurd Presidential Election ever is the only thing that keeps me up at night. That and the clown watching my bedroom window from the lawn below. I eventually fall asleep though, because I know there are at least 12 things worse than seeing a clown in my yard at night.

1. Donald Trump
If Donald Trump is in my backyard it’s because his plane crashed and he happened to land there because he would never willingly step into my fenced-in middle class lawn. And if his plane crashed then my pool is probably destroyed. Damn you, Donald Trump.

2. My Younger Sibling
I don’t have a younger sibling.

3. A Dinosaur
And not the friendly type that the most harm they’ll do is sneeze on you, but a Tyrannosaurus Rex that will eat the clown and then your family.

4. Your Neighbor
Does anyone even talk to their neighbors anymore? If they’re in your yard it’s most likely because they’re stealing from you, asking for a favor, or looking for boring small talk. Eek!

5. Walter White
He will take two years to rise to power in your city, but then he’ll fuck it all up and ruin everyone’s lives within a couple days while still remaining badass and likeable. We were rooting for you Mr. White!

6. A Petting Zoo
Petting zoos are smelly and dirty and inconvenient. It’s bad enough there are already two dogs to clean up after. Plus their noise is probably worse than the intimidating silent laughter coming from behind the clown mask.

7. Lord Voldemort
If He Who Must Not Be Named is idling in your backyard then Harry Potter is probably dead. And if Harry Potter is dead then so is my childhood.

8. It
And I’m not talking about the Stephen King “It.” I mean the “It” from It Follows. If it is that close to you and there’s no one around to have sex with, you better start running and looking for booty calls.

9. Sam & Dean Winchester
I don’t watch Supernatural but I know that they’re always dying and everyone they’ve ever looked at ends up dead at the hands of something horrific and probably demonic.

10. Kylo Ren
He killed Han Solo! Who would ever have the nerve to kill Han Solo?!???

11. Eleven
I am as big a fan of Stranger Things as the next person who thinks of a little bald girl when they hear the number 11, but if I peeped her out my window at night I know I’d be dead, kidnapped, chased by the government, or sent to the Upside Down within 24 hours. Not today, Demogorgon, not today.

12. Demogorgon
Speaking of the Devil.

Just to be clear: none of these things are actually worse than seeing a clown in your yard at night. You need to grab your gun and shoot that lunatic because they’re trespassing and this is America.