Music festivals are a lot of work. I've been to my fair share of concerts in my day, but none like this. You've got your arena shows, where at best you're sitting so far away your eyes are glued to the jumbo-tron the entire time. You've also got the holes in the wall where you wait under a bridge for 4 hours in the rain just so you can get a second row general admission spot. Then there are outdoor concerts where you sit in the grass like a civilized person and listen to the music.

Then there are music festivals.

All of your favorite (or completely unknown) bands play one after the other on stages all over a city park. I had never experienced one of these before this past weekend at Music Midtown. For those unfamiliar, Music Midtown is in Atlanta's luxurious Piedmont Park over the course of two days. This was my first music festival, and I have some insider information I learned for anyone else considering going to Music Midtown or the like.

1. #ComfortOverCoachella

This certainly was not the hellscape that is known as Burning Man. Maybe New York Fashion Week has been going on and you feel inspired to wear that Native American headdress with heels and a black bodysuit. But when I see that floor length maxi skirt dragging on the ground amidst discarded greasy paper plates and mysteriously colored damp masses I think, "why God?" It's like dressing up for a travelling parking lot carnival. I rolled up reeking of Banana Boat, in my arch-supporting chacos (which personally offend me but my feet felt GREAT all day so who won) and my hair anything but down. And I still left each day with immense, seemingly irreversible pain. Imagine if I had worn jeans or God forbid, stilettos.

2. Bring The Sunscreen In With You

My back looks like I'm wearing a permanent white tank top.

3. If You Can Take In Your Own Water Bottle, For The Love Of Everything Holy Do It

$4 for a bottle of water is the cheapest thing you can get inside those gates. It's all overboard from there. The second day I learned from my mistakes and brought a water bottle which I promptly lost, but if you're more responsible than me you can 100% save a lot of big buck$ on the basic necessity to live. Because music festivals will exploit even that.

4. If You're Trying To Get Everyone To Hate You, Then By All Means Crowd Surf

Everyone around you turns around, braced for something drawing closer in the distance. Did someone pass out from heat exhaustion? Did some other artist, by the grace of God, wander into the crowd to see the band you're seeing? A low-flying plane? Asteroid hurtling towards Earth? Close! A dweeb who somehow convinced those around him to lift him up and pass him along like a hot potato so he could get to the front. He's coming closer. What do you do? If you're me, you keep your arms firmly at your side and wait for him to fall and learn his lesson. Before he's satisfyingly close to the front, a considerate group of people decide not to let this young man get to the front by literally being carried like royalty. He falls to the ground. Your prayers have been answered. Your work is done.

5. You Have Elbows For A Reason

You've worked hard to get your place in the crowd. Some young folk who don't quite grasp concert etiquette want to be front row so they use their prepubescent height to worm their way to the front. Not today! Elbows are a great way to maintain your personal space. If you use your elbows then you don't need to resort to ponytail yanking or anything else that has to go down to maintain crowd integrity. Win-win.

6. You're Gonna Pay $7 For A Sub Par Slice Of Pizza

As I said, these places will exploit you in whatever way they can. Sure, you can leave and go grab a burrito at the restaurant right outside the entrance, but you have fifteen minutes until the next set at the stage all the way across the park. You're either going to starve, you're going to miss the first half and end up all the way in the back of the crowd, or you're going to pay $7 for a single underwhelming slice of pizza. You're going to complain all the way, you're not going down without letting them know you're displeased, but you're still going to pay $7 for a slice of pizza. Except if there's a 2-slice deal, then you're going to pay even more.

7. You're Gonna Think You Should Ditch The Poncho...But You Shouldn't Ditch The Poncho

You get to that point where you're pretty sure you're just as soaked inside the poncho as you would have been without the poncho. There is incredible freedom in peeling it off and having the rain rejuvenate you as you listen to your favorite band. It's like you're being born again, each raindrop giving you the will to stand for another minute. But they leave the stage and the music is over and you realize that poncho you took for granted was the best thing that's ever happened to you. Now you have to live with the feeling that you just stepped out of a pool in your jorts for the rest of the day. Nobody enjoys wet jorts.

8. Mass Hysteria Will Bring You Within Inches Of Your Life

There will always be a point where thousands of people are just running. Sometimes there's a reason, sometimes there isn't. In my particular case, a tornado warning had everyone packin' their bags and evacuating. Once that notification came that all systems were a go, the gates were downright knocked over and thousands of people were literally running for the hills. I tried not to think of Mufasa's fate as my only choice was to run with the crowd.

9. You Ain't Got No Service, So Plan Accordingly

100,000+ people up in a single park are using up all your bars. Can you hear me now? Hell no you can't. Have an emergency area to meet up if you get lost from your friends. Like a really specific place, I'm talking the third port-a-potty from the left 3 meters facing north next to that popped-out sunglasses lens with the exact coordinates of your location. Otherwise you're spending your day alone my friend, wandering the masses of flower crowns and crochet crop tops 'til the cows come home.

10. Even If You Did Have Service, Your Phone's Gonna Die Right Before Your Favorite Band

"47% is plenty of battery life to last another two hours," you think like the fool you are. Wrong. That lasts about fifteen more minutes, and then your favorite band comes on and you just have to sit there are listen like some sort of prehistoric caveman. Airplane mode is a good way to save your battery life.

11. Either Make Friends With Everyone Around You Or No One Around You

I made a terrible mistake. I became too social in the crowd and allowed the young man in front of me to think we were besties. Every single thing I said from "I'm ankle-deep in mud" to "she isn't famous enough to be fifteen minutes late to play" warranted a "witty" response. You can't shake these people. You're locked into your spot with everyone else, so choose your friends wisely. I couldn't shake this jabronie, and his chatter could have ruined the whole performance for me if I were a weaker concert-goer.

12. You May Come In With No Glitter, But You're Leaving With A Lot Of Glitter

There was a point where I was waiting for the next set and a small bottle of glitter was being passed around like parmesan at a spaghetti potluck. You are the spaghetti, and you're getting a medium-to-heavy sprinkling of parmesan sparkles all over your entire person. Even as I sit here, glitter is dusting my keyboard as it falls from my hair where it has made a permanent residence.

So there you have it. With these simple pieces of advice, I give you my blessing to start working on your standing stamina and testing how long you can go without basic human needs. You're now a savvy music festival king or queen, so go forth and sell your soul for some tickets.