Due to the ominous title of this here article, I assume you’re thinking this is about to be a serious dive into how to protect yourself from some up-to-no-good youths or from that nagging girl you can only stand to be around in large group settings. While that would probably be a great thing to write about, I’m actually going more for the Sardines angle here. Hopefully you’re aware that I’m referring to the super cool backwards version of hide-and-seek and not the fish. As you become well acquainted with your mom’s strict summer schedule, take a minute to picture where you could be hiding from her if you were still at the happiest place on Earth. And after you’ve pictured your hiding place at Disneyland (I would recommend the bathroom by the Fantasyland churro cart), think about where you would hide at UD. I’ve taken it upon myself to come up with a few (dozen) options for you, in no particular order. Remember, everyone’s hiding spot is going to be different, and will absolutely reflect everything that you are as a person. So no judgment if you choose to hide in the Science Center green house or the Sacristy, except for the fact that you super suck at hiding and I’d never play with you.

1. KU Ballroom's mysterious kitchen area

You’ve been to shows, dance classes, CAB events, and talks about diversity there, but have you ever hidden in a ballroom? Well, for those of you who have, I’m going to go ahead and assume that you hid in the kitchen, unless you’re the absolute worst and hid behind those rickety dividers. The kitchen is a mysterious wonderland where I can only assume those cinnamon chips from KU catering are held in bulk. If you hide here, no one will be able to find you because people will literally be told that they can’t enter. In this scenario, you will have to hire a caterer for misdirection. You can also set a fire – classic use of safety codes to escape the clutches of a seeker. (Disclaimer: UD probably does not support arson. Do this at your own risk. You might go to jail. Or lose your scholarship).

2. The dressing rooms of Boll Theater

For starters, most people don’t even know how to access this place, and even fewer have a key to it. (I definitely don’t have a key, but just, you know, just be cool). These dressing rooms have chairs, bathrooms, and well-lit wall-to-wall mirrors – perfect for gazing at your gorgeous, incredible-at-hiding-self. You can listen to the radio through the PA system, and sneak out the back door into the kitchens of KU, which I assume are still stocked with breakfast potatoes despite the renovation work. No one will find you here because they either A) are afraid of spooky theater ghosts (what has Phantom of the Opera done to us??) or B) don’t have a key.

3. Booth of Sear's Recital Hal

I know we’re not supposed to mess around with technology that doesn’t belong to us, but I also think it’s important to note that this booth has chairs for sitting, a video camera to make funny videos of yourself, and access to those movies from UD Late night that are still in theaters. You can also barricade the door, watch On the Fly, and get excellent WiFi reception. If you choose this as your hiding spot, don’t bring a pizookie in there. You might spill it and get in trouble, and I say this having never experienced any such thing. And if you don’t know what a pizookie is, please look it up, and know that I hate you.

4. Founders' Grounders

If you lived in Founders, you’ll be well acquainted with the vaguely creepy basement where you clean your clothes, and where I went to a karaoke party once (it was as lame as it sounds). Not only does the basement house washers and vending machines, but there are like ten token groundlings that live down there. Most everyone avoids them at all costs because they’re always creating some sort of rumpus, usually involving traffic cones and holes in the wall. But the joke is on you all, because the people that live there are usually surprisingly cool, so you could hide with them while they brew strange substances and make you wish you had your mom. Benefits of this hiding space: new friends, vending machine access, clean clothes, you can jump out a window in a last ditch effort to find a new hiding spot, and glory holes.

5. Marianist Library - 4th floor Fitz

If you’ve ever popped by fourth floor Fitz (or as I like to call it, my home, or the CPC), then you’ll know that there are always a bunch of little old ladies working on dioramas of Mary and showing them off to the world. They stay holed up in their room full of shelves and filing cabinets and create what I can only assume are Paper Mache llamas and homages to the Box Car Children. You can hide in there with them while they regale you with stories about cooking for their grandchildren, and how the fourth floor bathroom really needs to lower the height of that one toilet (I’m not being mean, seriously, try it – your feet will be dangling).

6. Top Stairwell of St. Joe's

I know what you’re thinking – “Four floors isn’t that high! We have plenty of buildings on this campus that go way higher than that! Take Roesch, Miriam, Campus South or Marycrest! Think of how bamboozled everyone would be by your hiding at the top of one of those places.” Ha. Spoken like someone who has the time and breathing capacity to climb ten flights. To any of you willing to climb that many flights just for Sardines, you are the absolute worst and there is no way I would want to play this game with you. Hiding at the top of St. Joe’s is a solid choice because you will still be able to breathe, people don’t like spending that much time at the top of a building that has burned down twice, and you can hang with Dr. Guadalupe if people are taking too long to find you. You can also stairwell sing, which is an acoustic dream.

7. That weird cleft thing hanging off of the side of the stairs leading up to the back of Humanities by the old music building

You’ve never noticed it – am I right? Just imagine you’re taking a stroll past the soccer field, heading down the stairs to go to your engineering classes (which I definitely take?), then BAM. There is an entire slab of concrete land halfway down the steps. Don’t believe me? Good. That means I can hide there and you’ll run right past it in search of a hiding spot that isn’t in plain sight – right where you won’t expect me to be. Benefits of this hiding spot: outdoors = fresh air = good health = prosperity = happiness.

8. That one abandoned landlord house on College Park

Despite being occupied for part of this semester by like one person, I have otherwise never seen anyone inhabit that house. It really looks condemnable and possibly haunted. But have no fear – I’m sure your commitment to winning at this fictional game of campus-wide Sardines will allow you to brave the rickety boards and bat infestation. Benefits: you can play house with the people who have found you – just really hash it out old school preschool style. Downsides to this hiding place: your presence there could be deemed ‘breaking and entering’ and you could be ‘arrested.’ LOL. Just tell them you’re in a heated game of Sardines. Alternate group game option to Sardines in this haunted hiding place – Murder in the Dark! That’ll go over even better with the police!

9. Cousin Vinny's van

I bet you’re wondering why I didn’t suggest hiding in everyone’s favorite food truck, but that is just way too popular of a destination. The Cousin Vinny’s Van has no windows, and isn’t all that loved except amongst those who are way too drunk to care about Sardines! (Which I’ll have you know, if I ever get that drunk, please stop being friends with me). This is a great hiding spot because you can have endless pizza, a front row seat for watching drunk people embarrass themselves, and you can brag to the driver about how you’re actually “a big Joe Pesci fan. And did you know that Marisa Tomei won an Oscar for her performance in ‘My Cousin Vinny?’ A true classic.” And then he’ll promptly kick you out of his van for ‘stealing’ and ‘loitering’ and ‘being facetious.’

10. Chapel of Alumni

It’s a fact that people are afraid of churches when it’s dark outside, and I’m assuming this high-intensity game is only going to be played once the sun has vanished and the moon has cast a scary shadow over everything. So no one will want to go into the basement of Alumni Hall, nor will they want to explore every part of the chapel there. But jokes on them because that chapel is actually super chill and full of desk-like chairs. One might even call them desk chairs. So you can hide and pray and werk.

11. Hallways of VWK

Even if people find you in VWK, you could just run around a corner and they’d automatically get lost. Classic misdirection. Potential downsides to this hiding place: you yourself will probably get lost too. But maybe it’s good that you don’t know where you are – it’ll keep the mystery alive and it will protect you from providing overzealous clues.

12. Post Office

Does anyone actually go in there? I’ve been there once to cast an absentee ballot vote (*flips hair in slow motion to Whitney singing the National Anthem*). But really, have you ever been inside? Into the seedy black underbelly of the government rooting itself within the metaphorical walls of our campus!? If you’ve ever seen “Miracle on 34^th Street,” you’ll know that the post office was able to prove that Santa Claus exists in a court of law. What an abomination. While you’re hiding in what I can only assume are the black holes of inner office workings and diabolical scheming, you can overthrow our government and pay off all of our loans. And you can mail my Amazon rental book that I have yet to return. Benefits of this hiding place – no one will think to look there because they’re so afraid of corporate America and unseemly table talk topics, plus no one sends mail these days. It’s a sad world we live in folks, but that doesn’t mean we can’t brighten it up by hiding from our friends.