he PNC Financial Group indexes the “Cost of Christmas” each year using the prices of items from "The Twelve Days of Christmas." While they use real-world data to derive their figures, it takes only a mildly savvy shopper, a Google search, and some lower standards to get the real deals.

Partridge in a Pear Tree - $84.70/$71.45

You can find a Chukar Partridge online at $2.99 for 25 birds. The lowest I found was $0.90, but that requires a purchase of 7000 birds. Assuming you are actually purchasing this, the lower quantity puts us at $74.75. If you’re not too picky on birds, you can find a comparable Manchurian Cross at $2.66, leaving us at $66.50.

Pear trees are actually on the lower end of the fruit tree spectrum, and you can find Bartlett Pears as low as $9.95. If we’re willing to shave a few dollars and go for plums instead, this Chickasaw Plum goes for $4.95.

Two Turtle Doves - $260/$78/$1.73

The lowest turtle dove I found was an even $130, but if you’re willing to buy just any dove, you can find them as low as $39. Nothing will be as cheap as capturing two pigeons and/or ducks from a local park, which you can get for the price of a loaf of bread, which you can find at Walmart for $1.73.

Three French Hens - $9.30/$8.90

The female Salmon Faverolle (a French breed) can be purchased for as low as $4.65, but if we’re willing to go for some Rhode Island Reds, we can get them for $4.45 each.

Four Calling Birds - $400/$24.65

If we go with the original lyrics of “Four Colly Birds” meaning four black birds, we’ll have to go 450 each. The widely accepted (and PNC approved) “Four Calling Birds” leaves us with four canaries at $100 each. However, a large net can be purchased for $24.65, and aren’t all birds really calling birds?

FIIIIVE GOOOLDENNNN RIIIIINGS - $754.95-850/$65/$5

If we want 10k Gold rings, they’ll set us back $150.99 each, and $170 for 14k. However, if you’re willing to go for gold plated, you can get these five rings from Kendra Scott as low as $65, or if “gold looking” is good enough for you, they sell for $1 on e-bay.

Six Geese-A-Laying - $65.10-$77.58

Weeder geese are available at $10.85 each for a Straight Run, meaning there’s no way of knowing the sex. This means you could end up with six geese none of which are a-laying. The next lowest is $12.83 for African geese, that you can ensure are female. I would not recommend trying to capture the geese, as they are inherently vicious and malignant creatures.

Seven Swans-A-Swimming – Swans: $5197.50/$6562.50, A-Swimming: $51.59/$2000+

This website offers them for $1000 a pair, however, they only have one pair left at this time. I would then recommend this site, which probably has an infinite supply, that comes out to $937.50 each. You could, however, buy from both. Since they must be a-swimming, digging a 625 square foot pond could be $2000, not including putting in some sick water features. If you weren’t too concerned about space, you can buy seven individual inflatable pools for $7.37 each.

In place of swans, you could also buy more doves, since those look almost kind of similar. Also, consider replacing all birds with the extra partridges you will have from your first purchase.

8 Maids-A-Milking- Maids: $64, A-Milking: $8000/$30.24

The federal minimum wage is $7.25, but since it’s Christmas we’ll give them 8.

Based on my extensive research, I’m confident we could find 8 dairy cows for around $1000 each if necessary. Depending on how long the cows take to milk, we could send the maids home earlier.

If milk is what you're after, individual gallons can also be purchased for $3.78 each, saving both time and money.

9 Ladies Dancing/10 Lords-A-Leaping - $7500/$6500, $180/$200

Without actually contacting people for quotes, this was a bit difficult to ascertain. However, from comparing prices of various performance acts, I would say $7500 would be a reasonable average, and slightly less for the Lords since leapers are not as high in demand as dancers.

In either case, get some pizza and you can probably find some college students who will do their best for $20 an hour.

11 Pipers Piping/12 Drummers Drumming $2708.40/$2934.10, $220/$240

Again, without actually contacting people for quotes, I can only work with generally applied estimates. For simplicity’s sake, I will go with the PNC quotes, since they approximated the values I estimated. I assume the college student rule is applicable here, as well, though. Especially if you get less picky about what you consider “pipes” and “drums” when looking for musicians.

TOTALS (NOT ACCOUNTING FOR SONG REPETITION)

PNC CHRISTMAS PRICE INDEX: $36,343.49

OUR PRICE INDEX: $29,855.03 (not including price of cows)

OUR SUPER-SAVER PRICE INDEX: $983.23 (assuming we used the Manchurian Cross for all things that could be considered a bird)

Of course, this is only the maximum and minimum possibilities with the prices listed. You can always mix and match to get the desired effect, but who says Christmas has to break the bank?