I've been very blessed in my life. I never really wanted for anything. I went to a nice high school, lived in a nice house, had cats and dogs, and was even blessed to own horses. Despite all the blessings in my life I was still diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety when I was 15. There was nothing in my life that really "caused" it, it's just the way the chemicals in my brain send signals to my body. Thankfully I realized it before the chemicals caused things to become too dangerous and sought help. With a lot of help and support from my friends and family I was able to get a handle on my mental illness. It's still not perfect and I still fight a daily battle getting up in the morning, facing myself in the mirror, and proving to myself I'm worth it.
Back when I was stuck in the tunnel vision that comes along with major depression, I never thought I would make it to 21. Let alone deserve to be loved by someone else. My self-esteem never allowed for the idea of love. I wasn't worth it. If I couldn't love myself, how could someone else?
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So imagine my surprise that at 18, in my first year of college, I found someone crazy enough to love me. That poor boy never knew what was coming. A 19 year old just starting to figure life out. He never signed up for someone with depression and anxiety, but my goodness does he try his best.
It's a little different loving someone with my kind of crazy. I can't always go to crowed places, he has to go first when entering a new place, and sometimes he has to walk me through panic attacks. It's not easy loving someone like me, so I try to help him through it the best I can.
1. Be blunt
When you say "Maybe, I don't know, I guess we could" it doesn't tell them that this party could cause a panic attack. It tells them you're nervous to meet their friends and they won't realize what's going on. They can't read your mind.
2. Have patience
If they've never dealt with it before, odds are they aren't going to suddenly become all knowing about your state of mental health. They're going to say and do the wrong thing, they might accidentally trigger an attack and they won't mean to. Realize that things are going to go wrong, don't expect perfection.
3. Educate
Don't lecture them, but don't forget to let them know what you need. The first time I had a panic attack in front of him, I scared the crud of out him. He tried his best and tried to help me through it. After it was over, we talked and I gave him some tips and tricks to help me through in case it happens again.
4. Be honest
Mental illnesses are hard enough on your own. Let them in and sometimes they'll surprise you. It took me a year to feel comfortable enough to tell him when I was having a depressive episode or when I was worried about suicidal ideation. It's a hard topic but don't pretend to be okay when you're not.
5. Your feelings matter
With depression comes self-doubt, and with that comes holding in your feelings. In relationships without mental illness, feelings come out a lot easier. Don't forget that your partner really does want to know what you're thinking, whether it be tacos or lamas with hats, it matters to your partner. Try to let them in, no matter how silly your thought seems.
6. Theirs do too
It's so easy to become wrapped up in your own issues, but don't forget to remember that while you may be in the middle of a downward spiral, they might be too. Check in with them and especially talk about how your mental stuff changes the relationship. Let them talk without judgement. Being with someone like us is hard, and sometimes they need to talk it out too.
7. Don't let it consume you
Don't forget to have your relationship. Go on dates, be spontaneous, go be "normal" (what really is "normal" though...). Know that your mental stuff is there but don't let that stop you from being/falling in love.
8. Depressed people love too
I may not get butterflies every time I see him, but I sure do smile when I think about him. Sure it takes me a little extra effort to get all excited for a big date and I always wait to last minute to get dressed (depression is like an energy vampire), but I still feel so totally in love when he shows up with roses just because or when he tells me a stupid pick up line. Just because I may struggle to feel happy on a normal basis doesn't mean I don't feel it at all.
9. Laugh
Nothing helps like a good laugh. Take time to be silly. Go have fun and make memories that cause you to light up like you were made to do. All they want is to see you happy. You will always battle depression but that doesn't mean you can't have a good laugh.
10. They chose you
Sometimes I feel like a damaged doll, why on earth would he pick me? I'm so broken. There are so many things wrong with me and my brain. I have to stop when my thoughts go down that path and remember the words he's said and the things he's done for me. The man has gone through Hell and back to be with me. It's easy to let that doubt in but it's important to remember that they chose to wake up each day and be with you.
11. Appreciate Them
My mental stuff is tough to deal with. No one wants to hear their girlfriend is suffering with suicidal thoughts, but the fact that he's willing to hear me without judgement is so important to me. He tries so hard to understand and I'm so thankful to have him in my life as a support. I try to thank him every day for all he's done for me. 3 years is a long time to deal with my crazy, let alone to continue dealing with it for the rest of his life. Not everyone can take on my kind of crazy and I'm incredibly lucky to have him in my life.
