My mother is one hell of a woman. She has not only managed to put up with me for almost 18 years but has instilled some rather odd phrases and words into my vocabulary along the way. Since my mother has been uttering these things since I was itty-bitty, I had always thought that they were normal phrases that everybody says. However, whenever I say these phrases outside of my home in the real world, the reactions I get from the people around me tell me otherwise. Here is a list of eleven things that my mom says that are a tad bit.. um.. different.
1. "If it were up your ass eating a ham sandwich, you'd know it."
When I lose my jacket and ask mom where it is, she says this...
2. "DEADNESS!"
No matter who's in the car or the speed we're hurdling down the road at, my mother is guaranteed to shout this if we encounter roadkill.
3. "Quick, like a bunny!"
This means to do whatever it is that you're doing fast unless you want her to kick your ass.
4. "Earthy crunchy"
This is an adjective that she uses to describe the kale and yoga loving humans that we scoff at in jealousy as we inhale fast food.
5. "It has pockets, you can twirl."
I'm not even sure exactly what this means, but she says it constantly. It might have started off with a statement made about a dress that is good for twirling and has pockets? Who knows...
6. "It's colder than a witch's tit!"
I think that this one's pretty self-explanatory.
7. "Oo-na scoo-cha-tha!"
Mom claims that this is an Italian phrase that means "pain in the ass", but I'm fairly certain that she made it up.
8. "You're gonna break your fucking neck!"
Any time that my twelve year old brother does anything that involves the outdoors or doing flips, mom is bound to yell this at him with her strongest Boston accent.
9. "Carefully casual"
This phrase is used to describe a look that is carefully put together just to look casual. Oftentimes, she is referring to hipsters or teenage girls when she uses this term.
10. "MANJA!"
Translation: Eat, bitch... This is another exclamation that momma claims to be of our Italian heritage.
11. "I don't even like you people."
This is definitely her favorite thing to say. Ironically, she does like us people. Mom will say this while furrowing her eyebrows, and then immediately follow up with a hug.
My rather eccentric and outspoken mother has instilled these phrases into my head along with the personality behind them. As a result of my mom's willingness to be open and say whatever it is that she's thinking, even when she probably shouldn't, I am the fearless young lady who says and does what she pleases. I know you're reading this, so thanks, momma, for being the wild and beautiful lady that I love so dearly.
