As of July 27, my sister and I will have made it 11 years without our mom. It gets easier in time, but you never get over knowing she’s not going to be there for some of the most important moments of your life and many other smaller ones along the way. Unlike so many, we don’t have the luxury of being able to just pick up the phone and call her or spend time with her when we come home; we never got to build a strong relationship with our mother and bond with her. I’ve always envied people I know who have that kind of relationship with their mother; it’s a one-of-a-kind bond that I’m not even sure I’d have had with my mother.

Trust me when I say that there have been many times I’ve wished I could ask her advice or sit down with her and talk over a cup of coffee. That’s not to say we haven’t had some awesome mother figures in our lives or a father who stepped up in the most incredible way because we have; we’ll always be thankful for them. It gives us strength knowing she’s always in our hearts and by our sides in spirit. But it’s always going to sting that mom wasn’t physically with us for some of the most important milestones of our lives.

1. First day of junior high

At that point in time, mom had been gone a year and I was still trying to figure it all out. I didn’t know what junior high would be like at all. The only things I had to go off of were what I had seen on TV and lots of them weren’t very encouraging. Needless to say I was more than a little nervous my first day. Having had a mother to guide me through those confusing years would have been great.

2. School dances

I didn’t go to many school dances until I was a senior. But if mom were there, I have a feeling she would have gently pushed me to go to more. Dress shopping, getting hair and makeup done, and all that jazz would have been a lot of fun with mom. It’s just something mothers and daughters usually do together. Being able to see her light up when we found the perfect dress and then get all excited when we were dressed up taking pictures with our dates would have been incredible.

3. The first date

I remember my first date, how nervous I was, and how much fun I had. I also remember wishing I could have asked mom if I looked alright in what I was wearing and that I could have told her all about it when I got home. Telling dad that kind of stuff has always been kind of weird, but he’s always willing to listen. There are still first dates where I wish I could send mom a picture and ask her if I should change or call her and tell her about it. I know she’s always watching though.

4. Learning to put makeup on

I have lots of memories of watching mom do her hair and makeup and growing impatient with the amount of time it took her. But she really didn’t need all that because she was beautiful just the way she was. I also remember her doing our makeup for dance recitals as kids, how her lipstick smelled and how funny all that felt on my face. Once we got to be of age and started exploring how to use makeup, I wished she could sit down with me and give me a tutorial instead of learning how from a makeup artist friend of dad’s. That was cool and all but having that bonding moment with my own mother would have been really special.

5. Band performances

Music was a big part of mom’s life and dad’s, too, just like it is mine; she was in marching band and so were both her daughters. It would have been really cool to have her there watching both of us on the field, having a blast together. We may not have marched instruments in the band, but we still played and we did color guard. I know she would have completely supported our participation in band and our love for music. It runs in the family and I hope it stays that way. I wish she could be here to see college band performances, too.

6. Graduation

Both high school and college graduation would be great times for mom to be here. If I can do one thing in life, I want it to be making both my parents proud. To be able to see her when I finally graduated high school and have here there smiling with me would have been one of the best moments ever. Getting her input on what I should study in college would have been much appreciated. Having mom here when I finally graduate college and make the next big transition into the big people world would be awesome. Her support in making that transition and finding a new home and job would mean the world to me.

7. Freshman year in college

Freshman year in high school was a cakewalk compared to my freshman year in college; I was a super introverted homebody that came to a school where I only knew one or two people. Making friends was a little difficult and being away from home was hard, too. There were many times that year I wished I could ask mom for advice on just about everything and talk to her about what college life was like. I've always felt like I could have learned a lot from her carefree, confident personality. Being able to call her on a rough day and get some words of wisdom from that kind of person would have been really nice on several occasions.

8. Breakups

There have been a few. A couple of them haven’t been the easiest things to go through. A breakup is typically a situation where you automatically want to run to your mom for comfort. I was no different, but I couldn’t. Of course I had my step-mom and aunt to turn to, sometimes even my sister and my dad, but it wasn’t the same as being able to run to your mother. Along those same lines, it’d be nice to ask her what it feels like to fall in love and find that one person you’re meant to be with.

9. Picking out a wedding dress

When this day finally comes, I’d give anything to have my mother there and see her face light up when I find the dress. It’s just another one of those moments I really feel like she should be there for, something traditionally done as a mother/daughter/ sister/ whoever group. Watching shows like “Say Yes to the Dress” always makes me wonder what that experience will be like for me. Knowing mom won’t be there breaks my heart. Imagining it in my head is already making me tear up. Mark my words, tears will be shed the day I find a dress.

10. My wedding day

Not having my mother with me on one of the biggest days of my life is going to be really difficult, even after not having her here for however many years it will be at that point. It’s hard realizing she won’t be there helping me get ready, calm my nerves, or make the final preparations for the big day. While I have no doubt she’ll be there in spirit, not seeing her beautiful smiling face on the front row definitely won’t make it any easier. One of the only consolations I have right now is knowing my dad will be there to walk me down the aisle and whoever it is waiting for me at the other end will have his approval.

11. When I have my own kids

There’s a lot I don’t know about being a mother or even having a mother. When the day finally comes for me to step up to that plate, I know I’ll wish she were around to guide me. If she’d been here as I grew up, I’d have been able to kind of observe how she parented us and have some examples to look back on. But I didn’t really have that chance. I won’t be able to call her for advice, ask her to baby sit for a little while, or see her face light up the first time she holds her grandchild. However, I know she’ll be smiling down on us and will protect her grandkids just as she’s done with Mary Jo and me. Honestly, I can’t think of a more beautiful and kind spirit to have watching over us.