Tanning might not be the healthiest thing in the world, but it is so relaxing when it’s -39 out and all you want to do is be warm. But what are you supposed to think about during those 15 minutes of relaxation? I can guarantee you, you’re never thinking of anything pleasant…
1. WHY DID I GRAB THIS LOTION?!
Bronzer? Intensifier? Regular suntan? Why are there so many lotions? And why do I always end up grabbing the wrong lotion right before I come in? And why do I ALWAYS leave it in my car so that it is absolutely FREEZING when I apply it? I do not make good choices. Especially when I chose this super dark bronzer lotion…now I have to wait a few hours before I shower, and this lotion doesn’t smell good. Tanning lotion never does. So now everyone is going to know that I fake-and-bake.
2. Skin Cancer is very real…it happened to Izzie Stevens
Dr. Izzie Stevens had skin cancer, it almost killed her. I know that skin cancer is real and very dangerous. I also know that tanning can cause it. But I can’t not do this, it really makes my self-esteem a lot better. There is just something about being a little darker in the winter so I don’t look like Edward Cullen from Twilight.
3. Final Destination…THEY BURNED ALIVE
EVERY TIME. The girls were just trying to make themselves pretty, and they literally burned alive! That is going to happen to me in here. The bed just made a really weird noise, and the glass is going to break, and I am going to fall through onto the lightbulbs, and then I won’t be able to get out, and they will find my naked body burnt to a literal crisp. I need to lay as still as possible so as not to anger the final destination gods.
4. Should I lay on my side?
Why is my front always so much tanner than my sides? I could go into the standing-up bed, but that is SO NOT what I want to do. I can’t relax in there. But I really need my sides tanned….maybe if I just lay on my side? Oh god no, that’s horrible. That is so uncomfortable. This is awful. I guess I’ll just deal with my uneven tan, who is really going to pay attention to my sides anyway?
5. Will I get butt lines? Or boob lines?
I can literally feel where the lines are going to be. People are going to see the lines and stare at me. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten those two Big Macs, that’s why there are lines! My butt is getting big and the fat is overflowing so there are lines now! And the boob lines?! I remember my friend who acquired boobs lines on her chest from tanning. I’m going to get the-oh wait, I don’t have any boobs. I’m good. I was freaking out over nothing.
6. WHY IS IT SO HOT IN HERE?!
Dear Lord, it is like I am sitting in the devil’s living room next to Satan himself! It is literally hotter than the surface of the sun in here. I am sweating off those two Big Macs from earlier…I guess that means I definitely won’t get those butt lines. But wait, what if I sweat off the lotion and then I have sweat lines from the bronzer?! I should just turn the fan on.
7. WHY IS IT SO BREEZY IN HERE?!
IT IS FREEZING IN HERE. The breeze is chapping my lips, and now I am so cold. I come in here for the warmth in the winter. Why do I always do this?! The fans are dumb, why are they even a thing? Who actually uses them?!
8. DID I LOCK THE DOOR?! Oh, of course, I did. BUT WHAT IF I DIDN’T?!
But wait, what if I didn’t lock the door?! What if it’s unlocked and they accidentally assign someone else to this room and they walk in and see me naked in the bed?! I need to get out and check if I actually locked the door…but it’s so warm in here. I’m positive I locked it…but, what if I didn’t?!
9.Someone could break in at any second because I might not have locked the door...
If someone broke into the room right now, I would die. I have no way to defend myself. I am NAKED. I have no weapons, and I am way too comfortable to fight an offender off. Of course, I am quite slippery from the tanning lotion, maybe I’ll be okay. What are the odds of that even happening?
10. Can I use my phone in here?
Like, I know my phone says it shouldn’t be in direct sunlight, but this isn’t technically sunlight. TECHNICALLY it’s just UV rays…I know that they are the same thing, but how similar can they actually be? It’s not like they can harness the sun’s light in a lightbulb. Screw it, I’m using my phone. Snapchat and Twitter, guess where I am?!
11. THIS IS AMAZING, AND I AM THE HAPPIEST I’VE EVER BEEN.
I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. It is so warm in here, and I can literally feel myself getting warm. I love being in here, even if I am terrified for my life. This is the happiest I have ever been in my entire life—okay, maybe just the happiest I’ve been today.
I know tanning isn’t the healthiest thing to do, but it does help to bring my self-esteem up sometimes. Plus, it’s nice to just relax for 15 minutes a day during the winter.
