Sleep-talking was a subject area that I lacked some expertise in until I came to college. Having a roommate means always having a friend to talk to; you're bound to hear about something interesting at least once a day, even when your own day was as boring as ever. Unfortunately, sometimes the interesting event of the day might not be the kind of one you bargained for - at least not when it comes to sleep-talking.
1. There are many types of sleep-talking.
Sleep-talking doesn't discriminate. You have your quiet mumbling, your loud groaning, your intelligible sentences, your quiet whispering, and even the occasional nightmare-provoked scream. In some cases, your roommate might wake up and have a completely coherent conversation with you, only to mention that they have no memory of it the next morning. Other times, you might be lucky enough to get hit with a long, drawn-out sleep laugh, some teeth-grinding, or even some jaw-clicking. (I wish I could say I didn't speak from experience.)
2. You can never go to sleep after your roommate.
If you've ever had to stay up late to do homework while your roommate was happily tucked into bed, you understand this struggle. Few things rival the fear of suddenly jumping at the sound of your roommate's mid-REM cycle utterances. The struggle of rushing through your homework to go to sleep before you witness the sleep-talking might almost be as bad as the talking itself.
3. You have a mini panic attack every time you hear a noise at night.
Whether it's caused by the anticipation of your roommate finally talking in her sleep, or the fear that any noise might disturb them just enough to provoke a word or two, you know that any noise - either from the street outside or from your neighbors in your dorm - is not a good one.
4. Naptime isn't as fun for you as it is for them.
A midday nap is great when it's you and you get to sleep between classes. What's not so great? When your roommate decides to take one and the daytime chatter begins. You tend to forget that it's not just a dead-of-night activity of pure terror until it's the middle of the day and a voice out of nowhere starts grumbling. It might be a good idea to get out more often.
5. Moving (or generally existing) are forbidden while your roommate is asleep.
Need to zip up your backpack? Nope. Have to hole-punch that paper? Forget it. Don't even try to silently close the door when you get in late and your roommate's asleep. Any bump in the night that you cause is essentially summoning a new kind of bump in the night - one that's a little scarier to deal with.
6. You're never too old to hide under the covers.
If you're lucky, your roommate tends to say ridiculous or hilarious things in her sleep that you reply to in order to see what else they might say. It's entertaining. If you're less lucky, your roommate stirs in the middle of the night solely for the purpose to convince you that he or she is possessed. They say that your times in college are some of your best memories; as such, I'll always cherish the nights I hid under the covers when I was afraid that my roommate would continue moving and talking in her sleep.
7. Anything they say during the day can impact what they say at night.
When your roommate makes a joke about their sleep-talking to scare you during the day, you'll be constantly worried that it's going to come up in casual conversation that night. If only you could politely smile and nod your way out of nighttime conversations in the same way that you can get out of other awkward encounters during the day. It's kind of the same thing, right? Please help me.
8. You never know if they're awake or asleep - and neither do they.
Coming back to your dorm after staying out late that night is great. You weren't around to panic your way through the first few hours of their sleep, and you might even forget that the sleep-talking is a possibility. That is, however, until you come back in the room and they're awake. It's only after a few minutes into the conversation that you realize their eyes are glassy and they're probably still asleep, somehow. Did you actually wake them up when you came in? I don't know what's going on anymore.
9. If you ever talk in your sleep, you instantly feel bad for putting your roommate in the same position that you were once in.
It's an unusual kind of role-reversal.
10. Your jokes about direct-swapping your roommate for a new one might not be as comical as they think.
You love your roommate, you really do. But if she talks in her sleep one more time, she's getting direct-swapped. We're kidding, we're kidding! (Are we really, though?)
11. The day your roommate starts sleep-walking is the day you die.
I live in a constant state of fear.
