Disclaimer: There are different levels of authoritarian that vary among parents of this nature, and the amount of this that the child can handle is different from child to child. Just because one child had it worse does not mean another person didn't feel the painful experience, and just because many Tiger parents consider this to be normal, it does not make the parenting style acceptable. Depending on the household, the tiger parent might be the father, the mother, or both.
Tiger Parenting (v) - from wikipedia: Tiger parenting is strict or demanding parenting. Tiger parents push and pressure their children to attaining high levels of academic achievement or success in high-status extracurricular activities such as music, using authoritarian parenting methods.
Note: The above extracurricular activities are not usually sport-related.
Additional information on the impact of Tiger parenting: https://news.berkeley.edu/2013/06/18/chinese-parenting/
The first people a guy ever meets is usually his parents. They have a major impact on their son's life, rightfully so, regardless of their relationship or how they parent him. Unfortunately, a lot of guys, particularly Asian-American guys, are raised with this 'Tiger parent' phenomena that often has negative impact on the son's future and relationships. Tiger parents don't realize the impact of their ways until it's too late, and they also act like they do no wrong. They sometimes try to manipulate their sons in order to wrap them around their finger and establish control, usually with success. Without further ado, here are 12 things take longer to master from having a Tiger parent.
1. Self-Respect
When a guy is influenced and impacted by a Tiger parent, one of the ways he lacks self-respect is that he ends up lowering his dating standards so he can find someone to date and not be alone. A second way is by not taking the time to really care for himself because the way a Tiger parent raises her son can lead to an unnecessary need to people-please and live on his parents' (or any other person's) terms.
2. Assertiveness
It's one thing to be nice and submissive, or assertive / in-control, but it's indeed possible to be nice and assertive at the same time. Sons who were raised by a Tiger parent never see that happy medium until later than most, so more often than not, they're submissive, or "easy" because they're doing as they're told rather than following their own hearts, and won't truly understand how to be assertive and respectful at the same time, for a long time. They don't truly learn how to speak up either because the parent thinks he/she can, and will, try to convince the son to change his mind in one way or another. More often than not, sadly, the parent is successful.
3. Confidence
This ties in with the second one, where someone who is submissive typically doesn't make choices, and rather would tag along with someone else who takes the lead. A son who was raised by a Tiger parent didn't truly learn how to make choices or take the lead and be confident in such decisions since he was having others make the choice or take the lead on his behalf. Tiger parents sometimes are passive-aggressive with this behavior, which makes confidence one of the most difficult to master since a son who is raised by a Tiger parent will second-guess himself or overthink things. Moreover, he will be 'tested' by the women he meets later on, say, when dating, especially those who may see a future with him, and not having confidence in key situations will eventually drive her away. So even if he looks the part of a confident man, his mind often tells him otherwise, and it fails him, directly tied to the way he was raised.
4. Chores
Most of the time, a son who has a Tiger parent will not be doing any of the chores as a younger boy, or will be told not to do them. Based on 2 and 3, they submit to that and the parent is always in control. It takes a long time for sons of Tiger parents to start doing and enjoying chores because of this, and even be truly in control of their own lives. As a personal plug, I didn't truly start taking responsibility for my own chores until I was 22.
5. Dating
Whenever a son who has a Tiger parent goes out to eat and that parent is along with him, his parent will typically pay for his meal because the parent doesn't want the son to be the one paying (as a way to establish control) so he feels that he sucks at dating. He/She essentially uses money to control him in this context. In Asian environments, when parents are out together to get food, they'll fight over who pays, and literally argue with each other, with it sometimes getting physical, and when separated, shrug it off like it was no big deal. Their kids, when with the parents in this situation, see how this sets a really awful example of how a man should value the woman he is with. You can't win a woman over with your wallet, even though she'll certainly appreciate you covering the tab for her, and you certainly can't act arrogant around her.
Most girls/women like, and even want, a guy with some semblance of assertiveness, and it's something that a son who was raised by a Tiger parent struggles mightily to be natural at, so even if such a guy is on a date and knows he'll cover the relevant tab for the date, he's overly conscious about it despite the fact he knows what he needs to do.
6. Being Emotionally Stable
A Tiger parent will try to tell the son to "be happy" when he's sad, or to "be a man" when he is crying. Tiger parents fail miserably to understand that feelings aren't switches. Feelings more like candles than switches. So, by telling him to "be happy" or "man up" in such a situation, he/she is essentially telling him that his feelings/emotions don't hold much value or validity, if any, so he bottles them up. In other words, the parent emotionally controls him so he cannot be emotionally stable himself. That's as toxic a parent-son relationship can get and it happens all too often with the Tiger parents. There's a reason why a lot of the sons of Tiger parents don't open up to their own parents. Their constant criticisms and nagging drives their sons crazy.
7. Independence
Since the Tiger parent doesn't go out as much for his/her own enjoyment or for nights out with friends in a social context, the son feels like he has to stay at home because of parents' rules and has a more difficult time exploring his own interests outside the house, especially since he is probably living under the same roof as his parents and trying to move out. There will be times where the parent wants to join in on the activities he wants to do without him/her around, which creates a tougher environment for him to thrive in because he can't be his own person.
8. Exploring Their Own Sexuality
Tiger parents frown upon sex with a passion. It makes no sense at all because their sons need to learn intimacy, or at least understand intimacy. Worst of all, some Tiger parents will shame their kids for being intimate with others, because the parents want them to be "nice" . As a result, a son who was raised by a Tiger parent is afraid to talk about it openly and is afraid to express sexual interest to people for whom he has feelings of attraction.
9. What Toxic Masculinity Is
Tiger parents also shame crying, where they want their sons to be tough and manly. Yes, I understand that those men want to be tough, but they have feelings. It's anything but unmanly to cry and/or have feelings. Tiger parents hardly respect this enough, if at all.
10. Loving others
A Tiger parent's love is unusual because of its impact and its implementation. Sometimes it is used as a sweet nothing to him in order to keep him under parent control. It's a strong attachment between the parent and son based on the definition described in the beginning of the article, and the son will struggle to be successful in social situations because of the closeness to his parent. He wants to, and has to find a way to, detach, so the son learns that this just isn't the right way to love others. He then does everything he can to prevent others from dealing with what he goes through. This is why he isn't great at dating and relationships.
11. A balance of open-mindedness
Tiger parents are often rooted in their ways, so a son learns to be open-minded even though his tiger parent isn't the same. He learns how to listen to others and be mindful of their thoughts, because his parent would demand it out of him to the point that he's overly conscious about how he treats others. He becomes too willing to compromise.
12. It's okay to walk away
Sometimes you've had enough with certain things, and this is where he learns to set boundaries and say, "Enough is enough.". It takes awhile, since the son is usually defenseless / powerless when it comes to facing a Tiger parent head-on, as a result of him/her denying his feelings and making him feel small.
The main takeaway is that a son who was raised by a Tiger parent doesn't have the same social aptitude as those who weren't raised by Tiger parents. A damning point about this phenomena is Mrs. Liu in this article saying, "Some people think I am sick, but I've since discussed it with my former classmates at Peking University, and they all think this is quite normal", regarding the strict schedule. People who think it's normal, or worse, support this, need to know that they're taking away social development from their kid(s) on whom they implement this parenting. It's sickening to see the impact of it.
Imagine a kid going through a semblance of such a schedule because of tiger parenting, and seeing how different college is once he gets there, or even high school. He probably wouldn't know what to do with free time when he has it, since the free time he's used to from childhood is limited. Or worse, he'll have to take on even more than he did at an earlier age from the tiger parenting.
He takes longer to understand certain things pertaining to treatment of other people or dealing with emotions, and even how to communicate, open up to others, or be intimate. Eventually, though, when he understands those, he'll be able to know how to meet people who have the same hobby/interest, and connect with them, although it will take awhile for him to break out of his shell.
He realizes that the relationship with his Tiger parent isn't healthy for him, and will have to learn to build healthy relationships with those other than his Tiger parent. He'll learn about things like self-respect, confidence, assertiveness, or open mindedness. It doesn't come easy because of the presence of the tiger parent in his life, as it will be tough for him to truly become independent from that parent. When he does have things like confidence and assertiveness down to a T, or close to that, he will likely be happier than ever, and more confident/assured of himself than ever before.
- How to Raise Happy Kids: 10 Steps Backed by Science | Time ›
- Parents: let your kids fail. You'll be doing them a favor — Quartz ›
- The Case of the Angry Daughter - The New York Times ›
- Being an 'Elephant Mom' in the Time of the Tiger Mother - The Atlantic ›
- Tiger Moms: 16 Signs You're Too Strict With Your Kids ›
- We need to stop pushing our kids | Life and style | The Guardian ›
