Being Jewish is great. You get eight days worth of presents, a huge party when you turn 13, and we have rappers like Drake and Mac Miller representing us. But, however proud you are of your Jewish roots, every male Jew can relate to these struggles (especially the hairy ones).
1. If you're out of money, you can't complain.
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It's pretty well known that a popular stereotype for the Jewish community is their attraction to money. How it began? I have no idea. Everyone needs money and when your bank account is low, it sucks. Complaining about it will only make it worse, because if the slightest tone of your voice sounds like a complaint, a friend will berate you with jokes of the Jewish variety.
2. You have to shave. Every week. Everywhere.
It's no secret, we're hairy. Personally, I started growing facial hair junior year of high school and it's only gotten worse. I don't know what it is, but it's not only us. So don't get too discouraged.
3. Basketball will only ever be a hobby.
We all remember our time on the Solomon Schechter basketball team and dreaming of one day going pro. Only to see our growth spurt end at an unsettling 5'7. There are many perks to being short but none as prestigious as playing in the NBA.
4. "If she's the one and she's not Jewish, there's another one" - Every Jewish mom.
If your mother is like mine she can't wait for you to find your special someone, as long as they enjoy coming over for Shabbat dinner. a Jewish companion is something that is taken into consideration by the children, but is enforced by the mother. Don't get me wrong, a mother will love whoever her child loves and will welcome her into the family with open arms. She'll just have to convert in the future.
5. You LOVE Christmas.
Being unable to celebrate the happiest holiday known to man is traumatizing. Just kidding. But it does separate you from most of the kids in elementary school. Christmas as a young adult jew is amazing because you get to experience your first Christmas as a 20 year old. Let's be honest though, nothing beats Hanukkah.
6. September is holiday central.
When September is around the corner, get ready to make the trip home for some holiday meals... except on Yom Kipper. September has an abundance of important Jewish holidays that define who we are as people. Believe me, you truly know who you are once you've gone 25 hours without eating.
7. Summer camp was made mandatory.
Sumer camp is where jewish boys and girls go to learn about their heritage and meet fellow kids. Having our parents stuff our backpacks with sunscreen and pizza lunchables definitely left us with unforgettable memories we thank our parents for, not like we had a choice in going.
8. Hanukkah's date is always a surprise.
This year, Hanukkah starts on December 6th. When did it start last year? No one knows. Jewish holidays happen according to the Hebrew calendar, which doesn't always coincide with our American calendar, resulting in Hanukkah starting on different days every year. If you're planning on buying someone a Hanukkah present, make sure you know when it starts.
9. We're still living off our bar mitzvah money.
We made more money on our Bar Mitzvah night then we're probably ever going to make. Is that sad? Maybe a little. But the money our parents let us keep has been funding our food, clothes, and Christmas Eve movie tickets when you KNOW it's gonna be empty for years.
10. I'm going on birthright...eventually.
Spending two weeks in Israel on your own with fellow Jews from around the world sounds amazing.. We're just too "busy." Our parents all want us to experience the best place on earth (no, not Disneyland) but between school, work, and hanging out with friends before we have to make real life decisions, there's just no time.
11. If you're planning on being the first Jewish rapper... You're a little late.
We never thought it could be done. First Drake came up for us... even though it was kind of a stretch. Then Mac Miller busted through the door. And just as we were gaining momentum, Lil Dicky joked his way to the top of the charts. We're taking over the rap game. LOOK OUT!
