For 19 years of my life, I managed to get away with never watching the most beloved romance movie of my generation. This was the movie that all of my friends made their Axe-drenched, sweaty-palmed boyfriends watch with them in middle school, in hopes that it would awaken their inclinations towards romance. Since my (very smart) parents forbade me from dating in middle school, as well as watching PG-13 movies, "The Notebook" was never a part of my life. Later on in life, I began to hate the sticky-sweet tearjerker movies that characterized my gender’s fantasies, and I swore I would never watch "The Notebook" ever. However, my sophomore year in college, some friends of mine finally convinced me to watch it and I have many thoughts. Unpopular opinion: "The Notebook" is the worst, and here are 11 reasons why:
1. Birds. Why?
The bird motif is so plain in this movie because it's only thrown in our faces every five seconds. Like, we get it. Noah and Allie are birds. Birds are important.
2. The suicidal tendencies of the main characters that are introduced pretty early on in the movie
Not only does Noah a) threaten to kill himself if this hottie doesn't agree to go out with him, he also b) attempts to be ~spontaneous~ and ~adventurous~ by convincing Allie that lying down in the middle of the road and waiting for a car to come is a very romantic thing to do and not at all insane.
3. Allie's constant screaming
I'm surprised Ryan Gosling didn't go deaf after shooting this movie. I'm starting to get why Allie convinced that she's a bird, because she literally screeches and flails her arms around like a manic parrot throughout the entire film. Plz stop.
4. The romanticizing of men refusing to take no for an answer
Fact: When a woman says "no," this (90% of the time) does not mean "pester me until I say yes." Both Noah AND Lon need a stern talking-to in this respect.
5. Speaking of which, Noah encourages Allie to do what she wants several times throughout the movie
Too bad he only means it when what Allie wants is HIM, and not when she refuses to go out with him "because she doesn't want to" and still we are supposed to take this romantic.
6. The fact that Allie was willing to drop out of school just to be in the same town as some guy she's known for maybe 3 months
If I shout, "Your education is more important than a boy!" loudly enough into the TV screen, maybe Allie will hear me, along with all of the idealistic teenage girls who are staying up late to watch this terrible movie with smelly boyfriends.
7. LON
Allie. C'mon girl. Why do you have to ruin this wonderful man for the rest of us, just because you have a weird obsession with painting and a summer love that never should have happened in the first place? If I'm emotionally invested in this movie in any way, it is only because I am filled with rage that Lon, that beautiful angel man, did not get the happy ending that he deserved. #Pray4Lon
8. The entire concept that passionate love is enough
This is an actual quote from the movie that is played during a montage of Noah and Allie screaming at each other/making out: "They rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time. They challenged each other every day. But despite their differences, they had one important thing in common: they were crazy about each other." THIS IS NOT A RECIPE FOR A LONG LASTING RELATIONSHIP. These crazy kids would never make it through one year of marriage, much less end up reading to each other in a nursing home. Moral of the story: companionate love is underrated in all media, and Noah and Allie's relationship sets unrealistic expectations for life in general.
9. The mustache
Can we at least be above blatant caricature of villainous facial hair?
10. Plot holes the size of the federal deficit
Exhibit A: why didn't Allie just find Noah's address and write to him herself? Probably because she's a ridiculous tumbleweed that just allows things to happen to her instead of taking charge of her life.
11. Ryan Gosling is a precious cinnamon roll who is too good for this world
If I'm being honest, the number one reason why The Notebook is the worst is because Ryan Gosling will never pick me up and tell me I'm a bird, nor will he kiss me in the rain and grow angsty facial hair because he cannot bear to be separated from my love.
