We all know dogs and cats are great. They're cute and soft and make good pets blah blah blah. I get it. I like a cute pet picture as much as the next person, but they're not the top of the cute food chain. That's where goats come in. Goats have all the lovable asshole-ness of a cat with the cuddliness of a dog, and so much more. The first time I ever met a goat, it was a pygmy goat that was maybe as tall as my shin. Well, I walked into a barn, and this goat was balanced precariously on eight crates to look me dead in the eye. Then, he stuck out his tongue and jumped off. I love goats.

1. Goats are way cooler than you.

You think you're cool? You think you've got a lot of friends? You think an animal couldn't possibly have you beat? Wrong. Look at this goat. That smirk. That posture. That well-groomed hair. This goat is more confident than any human being could ever hope to be. Do you think this goat has ever wondered if someone really liked him? No! Because he knows everyone likes him. I haven't even mentioned his shades yet. Look at how he pulls them off. I've seen models who can't pull off shades like this goat. You see this guy walk into a room, you know things are about to get interesting.

2. Goats know how to party hard.

By extension of their coolness, goats know the best parties. They're always up to rage. Here's an example of such a goat in action.

I'd like you to read the pig's voice as Stanley from The Office.

Goat: Mr. Pig! Mr. Pig! Are you feeling sad?

Pig: No.

Goat: Okay then let's go party!

Pig: No.

Goat: Then I'll just bring the party to you!

Tell me this is not adorable.

3. Goats will keep you in shape.

Okay, so you can walk dogs, great, whatever. Walking a dog isn't going to do anything if you're not eating, right? That's where goats come in. You see that mouth and tongue? Those are the instruments of the slow apocalypse. Goats will eat anything and love it. On one hand, you can feed them the vegetables and claim you ate them to feel better. On the other, that tongue is just begging for your ice cream. It will be impossible to not share with a goat, and before you know it, you're only eating a fraction of the junk you were. That's probably science.

4. Goats can clean up for you.

One of the things I love most about having a dog is that I don't have to clean up crumbs because he just eats them all. Imagine that sweet feature cranked up to 11. Like I said, goats eat anything. I know my dog, for one, doesn't care for broccoli. A goat will happily devour that dropped broccoli and ask for seconds.

5. Dogs love goats.

Humans love dogs. Dogs love goats. Therefore, humans should love goats. Transitive property.

For anyone saying that logic doesn't follow, I direct you to look back at these cute goats. This dog is doing its duty, feeding the superior animal. Look at the quiet resignation on the dog's face. It knows it's beat, and it's bowing down. Who's man's best friend now?

Disclaimer: This may actually be a lamb. Close enough.

6. Cats love goats.

Humans love cats. Cats love goats. Therefore, humans should love goats.

The same flawless logic applies. This cat is begging for a kiss from the goat but look at the savagery on display. The goat is not even flinching at the cat's continued advances. It's like he's saying, "Try harder and maybe I'll acknowledge you."

7. Goats love water.

Humans love water. Goats love water. There, now we have a common interest. Also, look at how safe this goat is being. He brought a little floaty to make sure he'd be safe. Dogs just jump into the water willy-nilly. Not goats.

8. Goats are crafty.

Just look at that beard. How can a being with such a majestic beard ever be anything less than brilliant?

Disclaimer: Goats may not actually play chess.

9. Goats have sweet moves.

If you spend time around goats you may start to use words like 'radical' and 'tubular'. Don't be afraid, this is normal. Goats are so extreme that it rubs off on people. Did you know Tony Hawk was trained by goats, but disobeyed his clan and took the name Hawk in rebellion? He decided to compete with the skills he learned, much to the disappointment of his peaceful goat master.

Disclaimer: Tony Hawk may not have actually been trained by goats.

10. Goats are hilarious.

Hey Carl, want to see something cool?

Sure what is it?

AHHH NOT AGAIN!

11. Goats are really cute.

Look at this goat. Isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, the girl who has everything?

False, you don't have enough goats.

BONUS.

Check out Baine, my favorite goat that I've worked with. Baine's hindquarters were paralyzed from a very young age. Baine lives at Heartland Farm Sanctuary which is just outside Madison! He's the sweetest and everyone should love him and visit him.