Global warming has been a topic off limits at the Thanksgiving dinner table for quite a while now, especially with the next presidential election in the not-so-distant future. Most of us can agree that the recent weather we've been seeing is out of character, to say the least. However, I'd like to shed some light on a few key explanations that may open your eyes a bit to the realm of global warming.
1. There's a deeper reason for temperature fluctuation.
Maybe you've noticed that your friends who go to school in North Carolina have gotten more snow than your friends in Upstate New York? Well, let's not go blaming "global warming" now. The truth is (and keep this on the down low if you don't mind) but actually, the Snow Miser fooled around a bit with the Heat Miser's ex-girlfriend, and let's just say, they're not on great terms right now. But keep it hush hush. No one likes being the center of a scandal.
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2. Melting ice sheets are the arctic animals' own fault.
The National Snow and Ice Data Center claims that ever since 2007, Antarctica's ice sheets have melted at record breaking rates each year. Why you ask? Truthfully, because the critters of the Arctic actually breath fire now. This is a new feature. It's a rarely known fact because let's face it, no one would want Santa's reindeer on their roof if they knew the reindeer could engulf their homes in flames.
3. The depletion of certain animal species is actually a real cool story.
You hear all the time how our environment has changed so much that many species are dying off because of it. But, where these animals are really disappearing off to is outer space. They're setting up camp for us on other planets in case of the slight, minute possibility that there actually is an environmental crisis...even though there isn't.
4. The rising sea level can be explained.
Scientists say that the sea level has risen to double what it had in the last century over the past 10 years. But that doesn't mean we have a climate crisis. Actually, the sea level has been rising because people aren't potty-training their children and pets enough before taking them to the beach. This, we can fix.
5. Warmer oceans are good things.
Guys, why are we even complaining about this one? Scientists keep screaming about how the oceans are getting hotter and hotter. But what that really means is that you can stop paying for Jacuzzis pretty darn soon because the ocean will basically be a free spa for us all.
6. Don't worry about the droughts.
This year, California experienced the "worst" drought in 165 years. The truth is, sometimes, bad things happen, Ok? This is just a phase! Everyone gets into a little dry spell every once in a while. The Earth is going to outgrow this. Just keep hangin' in there.
7. Europeans get a lot of things wrong.
Most studies indicate that more Europeans believe in global warming than Americans. But why should we listen to them? These people still use that metric system. These people believed the Earth was flat. These people birthed the man that thought he was in India when he was really in North America!
8. Malaria-Infested mosquitoes are dining with the bunnies.
There has been a recent increase in the amount of malaria and West Nile virus carrying mosquitoes on our planet, which some scientists, namely those from a little university called Yale, blame on the increase in the Earth's temperature. But, a source spotted the mosquitoes and the rabbits out dining together and discussing and admiring the scared and rapid mating rituals of the bunnies.
9. The world wants us to be fit.
The United Nations claims, "grain reserves across the planet -- including the US --are dangerously low," which of course they blame on global warming. Now, let's just face the facts. Everyone knows the U.S. as "the overweight country." This is clearly an underground mission to force the American people into some sort of twisted crash diet. As they say: portion control!
10. Sarah Palin said it wasn't real.
"These global warming studies that now we're seeing (are) a bunch of snake oil science," she says! Sarah would know better than these esteemed environmental scientists anyway. She's from Alaska! And is there still ice and snow in Alaska? You betcha! Therefore, the rest of the Earth is obviously fine.
11. Extreme weather events are inevitable.
Remember Hurricane Irene, Hurricane Wilma, Nemo the Blizzard, Hurricane Ivan, Super-Storm Sandy, Hurricane Katrina and recent heavyweight Winter Storm Jonas, just to name a few? The recent uptick in intense weather events is certainly not due to a climate crisis. It's because the apocalypse is coming. The world is ending. Stock up on your canned goods now. Blame Satan.
There are irrational ways to look at situations, and then there are rational ways to look at situations. We each have the right to believe whatever we want in our great nation of the United States. However, this "global warming" frenzy shouldn't really be one of those issues that we are divided on. Our Earth is not something to gamble. All of the facts lay before us and we cannot turn a blind eye to them. As stated in the information above, global warming is clearly and quite plainly untrue...obviously.
