As I'm writing this, I'm currently wedged between a very large man who smells a little like pepper jack cheese, and an old woman whose knitting needles periodically jab me in the arm with strength I'm surprised she still has. I'm on my way to Florida to visit my parents, and while it's thirteen degrees here in Kansas City it's a beautiful seventy-six in Tampa. So who cares if I have to fly on an old, stinky-feet-scented plane... I'll be in paradise soon enough, right?
WRONG. Here are 11 reasons why flying is horrible.
1. FLIGHT ATTENDANTS
I have so many questions. How are you so happy all the time? Does your face hurt from smiling that much? How many people get wasted on airplanes in a day? Are those uniforms comfy? Do you ever feel like Brittany Spears? But really ... how are you so happy?
2. BORING AIRPORTS
I've been to my fair share of airports and nothing is worse than a dimly-lit-nothing-to-do-nowhere-to-eat craphole *cough* MCI *cough*.
3. SOOO MANY BODIES IN SUCH A SMALL AREA
Why must we squeeze every last body we can into an object that will be hurtling through the sky?
4. AIRPLANE TOILETS
Airplane lavatories are already pretty difficult to maneuver in, but add a romper to the mix and everything gets about ten times more difficult. I thought I looked cute and adventurous, and I felt pretty dang comfortable too. But sitting buck naked in a done-up port-a-potty during bad turbulence is not my idea of a good time.
5. SITTING ON THE NASTY, FARTED-ON SEATS
Imagine how many gassy people have sat in those chairs and spread their germs. *shivers
Same goes for the tray table, menu, and armrests… just imagine all the booger-picking, cheeto-dusted, coughed-on fingers that have come across those seats.
6. SITTING IN THE MIDDLE
I don’t think I need to explain how terrible this is. You have no armrest and the only place you can stare at is directly in front of you. It’s almost as awkward as the time I belched during my ACT’s.
7. SITTING IN THE AISLE
I feel like every time I sit in the aisle the people I sit next to have bladders the size of squirrels after drinking Mountain Dew. Also, I always feel like someone is watching me (probably due to the scary movies that scarred my childhood).
8. STINKY PEOPLE
I think it should be a requirement for flyers to shower that day before boarding. Do not be the Pepper Jack Man: shower, throw on some deodorant, and maybe maybesome perfume/cologne.
9. WAITING FOR PEOPLE TO PICK A SEAT
I will preface this by saying I am not a patient person, and I just do not comprehend why it is so difficult to pick a seat and either throw your crap in the overhead bin or shove it under the seat. It’s just not that hard people.
10. TALKING TO PEOPLE
No I don’t care that you live in the state we’re going to. No I don’t want to see pictures of your cat. I also don’t care that you had a 3-hour layover. We’ve all been there. I’m not your best friend or your therapist, and I don’t expect you to be mine either.
11. PUNGENT FOOD
One time I sat next to a lady who somehow smuggled in Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and barbecue chips. She alternated eating between the two and oh-my-lanta did that combination stink. If you’re going to bring food on the plane at least be considerate enough to buy food that won’t make the entire plane smell like a sweaty soccer cleat.
With all that being said, I do recognize the importance and value or airplanes. They can transport herds of people to states that are thousands of miles away in just a few hours. But after getting belched on by the Pepper Jack Man, I plan on sticking to the good old-fashioned road trip.
