Hi. My name's Melissa.
And I have seasonal depression.
Honestly, I’m fortunate enough to only have seasonal depression (Seasonal Affective Disorder), which means I don’t deal with misery all year round. My symptoms usually begin right before Thanksgiving and last until about May, depending on the year. But depression is still depression nonetheless and the topic will always be very close to my heart. I am a mental health advocate. Always have, and always will be.
Yes, we know, depression is very hard to understand. The ones whom are actually diagnosed with depression are the ones whom seem to understand the most. Sticking around someone experiencing depression can be tricky at times. We know we're a lot to handle. We know that in our weakest moments we can be a bit selfish and irrational. Don't make us feel worse about it. Offer solutions on how you can help us, instead of just assuming you know what we're going through. Remember, you can only imagine what we go through but you will never understand how a single person feels. And don't just distance yourself because you think that's better for us. We've already lost ourselves; we don't want to lose you too. Just know, we need you now more than ever. All we want is to not feel alone.
Here are some well-intended statements that go wrong for someone with depression. I’ve compiled these up over the years.
1. “It will get better.”
So.. keep suffering until it does? First of all, we’re not focused on the future and how great our lives may be in a few months or even a few years. We can’t think that far ahead. All we’re focused on is getting through today. Sometimes, just rolling out of bed with baggy clothes, no makeup on, and being able to say we survived is an accomplishment. Thinking about the future is only going to give us more anxiety and more depression. As much as you think that saying “it will get better” is a nice sentiment, in reality, it couldn’t be further from the truth. It will cause us to look towards our futures and make us feel shitty because as of now, we don’t see it “getting better”. Depression isn’t necessarily something that “gets better”; it’s something that we just get better at coping with.
2. “Just remember, you’re not the only one who feels depressed.”
Oh yay..? Gold star for me? When did I say that I was the only person who feels this way? Obviously there are many people in the world who suffer from depression, but that doesn’t give you the right to invalidate our feelings. Comparisons towards others in the world don’t help at all; each person’s depression is a bit different. This also implies that you’re not even trying to understand our problems.
3. “But you seem so happy!”
Wow, thank you for stating the obvious, you tool. If I had a penny for every time someone said this to me, I would be a millionaire. Sorry, I didn’t realize that depression was a physical illness. They call it a mental illness for a reason. Just because I look “happy” on the outside, doesn’t mean I feel happy on the inside. It’s called putting a smile on because I don’t know what else to do with myself. But next time, I’ll be sure to look miserable and cry in front of you so you know that I’m depressed.
4. “Stop being so sensitive.”
Okay I’ll just mosey on over and tell my depression to stop being sensitive. Yep, sounds like a great plan to me. While I’m at it, I will teleport to Hollywood and become the next Jennifer Lopez—you know, since we’re naming the impossible and all here. It’s such a great idea; I can’t believe I didn’t think of it sooner.
5. “You should be trying harder to feel happy. Go out; live a little.”
If ignorance came in one single statement, it would be this one. Harsh comments aren’t going to help us get better; it will only make things worse. Do you refuse to believe we try hard every single day to feel happy? Just because we can’t always do it as easily as you can, doesn’t mean we aren’t giving our best shot. And you know what? Maybe we want to be depressed. Maybe we’re too tired to pick ourselves up off the ground and be “sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows” again. Living with depression is like literally carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. If you can understand that, then maybe you can begin to understand our depression.
6. “Wait.. So does that mean you never feel happy?”
No, of course not. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain—meaning it will always be a part of us, but that doesn’t mean we can never be happy. Things can still make us happy the same way things make you happy—like going out on a date, a beautiful summer’s day, the beach, a vacation, or even the smallest things like grabbing coffee with a best friend. Believe it or not, people with depression actually do feel emotion; we just tend to feel it ten-fold. So the way you feel sadness, maybe we just feel it more intensely than you do. And honestly, it’s the same way with happiness, which is sometimes the most beautiful part.
7. “Just snap out of it.”
So what you’re saying is that depression is easy to snap out of or get over? Because honestly, it isn’t. This suggests that we are emotionally weak, which is just going to make us feel more worthless than we already do. So please, don’t belittle us. We lack motivation when we’re at our worst, so do you really think we have the motivation to “snap out of it”? No. We don’t. And even if we did, depression isn’t something you snap out of. We are a work in progress. This also shows that you don’t even want to listen to what we say because you’re tired of hearing it. Oh that’s right; you wouldn’t understand.
8. “You’re just being insecure.”
And you’re just being an asshole. This is such an ignorant statement because it downplays how we are truly feeling. Do you think I want to be insecure? Do you think I want to be depressed? No. So, shut up. Thank you for stating the obvious, yet again. Sorry for being such a burden to you because that’s clearly how you’re making me feel.
9. “But you’re beautiful!”
This is another one that I’ve personally heard a lot. So now beautiful people can’t feel depressed? Oops, I must’ve missed the memo. I appreciate the compliment; however, beauty being skin deep isn’t enough for me. I know I’m beautiful but that doesn’t mean I always have to feel it, so back off.
10. “You should be better by now.”
Sorry, I didn’t realize that my depression was on some kind of timeline that I didn’t know about. Impatience is a sign that nobody understands what we’re going through. I have depression, so I will probably spend the rest of my life trying to be better than I was the day before. Some days I will, and some days I won’t. I’m okay with that. This also insinuates you’re holding us to a pedestal, to which we cannot attain. We can’t reach your expectations, which makes us feel lousy. Maybe we have gotten better in some ways, but maybe, just maybe, you haven’t seen it. Because really, what’s the true definition of “getting better” from depression? It varies on the person.
11. “Are you sure you actually have depression? You know, people get sad sometimes.”
Wow. Just wow.
