College isn't always as simple as it looks. To be honest, I don't even know for sure when it looks easy. It's a long road to get to the end of a four-year degree, and many lessons are learned along. Some of these lessons are even learned in the classroom. Over the past four years, I've gained a little more wisdom into what works and what doesn't at a university. For your viewing pleasure, here are 11 items you need to get hold of for the upcoming semester(s).
1. A stop-time watch
You should be familiar with a stopwatch by now. Surely you've used one in a science lab for taking time measures or out on a track figuring out your best times at P.E. Now, since all phones nowadays have you covered in that department, splurge a little and go buy yourself a 'stop-time watch'. There are going to be several different assignments you procrastinate on until the very last possible second; some of these you will run out of time on. You may manage to turn in the assignment, but it'll either be incomplete or shoddy. With your own stop-time watch, you can freeze time on that last possible second until you manage to complete that paper, project, or four pages worth of homework. No longer will you have to contend with B's and C's because of your poor time management skills; you can now have all the time you need crammed into a split second to never not get an A again!
2. Endless pencils
Chances are good you've graduated from the everyone's favorite Number 2 brand pencil (Seriously, how is it number 2 if it's the most used?). Regular mechanical pencils are a mainstay in college, and I am no exception to that usage rule. However, I am a huge proponent for the latest craze: endless pencils! Endless pencils come in two different varieties, wooden or mechanical, for whichever is your preference. As their name suggests, they never run out of lead! (Or graphite. Whatever, you know what I mean.) As an added bonus, the tip will never break on the wooden ones! Never again will you be in the middle of writing out an assignment and have to resharpen or refill your pencil of choice. This is extremely useful for test days as it never hurts to make sure you have more pencils than you think you will need, and this ensures all of them are ready to go at a moments notice. Please note that the cousin to this product, endless erasers, must be bought separately.
3. Self-correcting calculator
One of the worst ways to lose points on a math test, lab section, or any number related entity is to punch in numbers wrong. I can't count how many times I've punched stuff in wrong, submitted the assignment, and gotten it back with points counted off from stupid number input errors. Enter the self-correcting calculator! The self correcting calculator is the smartest 'smart' calculator you can and will ever spend money on. Somehow, it knows exactly what numbers you meant to press into it, and, even if you make a mistake inputting them, it will correct the input and spit out the correct answer. Every. Single. Time. I'm not sure if it works by reading your mind or scanning the problem statement somehow, but what I do know is you should really consider getting one. I mean, sure you could check over your work before submitting it, or double check as you go, but who has time for that? It's not like professors make tests with extra time built into them for checking, right?
4. Note transcriber
Wouldn't it be great if you could find a way to have all of a lecture's notes taken for you all of the time with no hassle? That would pretty take all of the hassle out of college; you wouldn't have to go to class at all! Well, you should consider getting the latest Note Transcriber on the market! No longer will you have to actually attend the lectures you or your parents pay hundreds, if not thousands, for you to attend. You can safely binge on all the Netflix you want while the Transcriber bot works for you. The only issue remaining would be reading the notes or maybe even studying. That's what the next gem is for.
5. Note translator
No Note Transcriber bot is complete without its partner: the Note Translator. Not only will this second bot help with reading out your lecture notes to you (if you dare sit through that tedious task), it will directly translate the information to your brain! No more need to binge study or spend small pockets of time throughout the semester studying bits and pieces of your course material. All the data will be magically uploaded to your brain! It may seem impossible, and I'm not really sure how the bot works, but you'll just have to try it out for yourself!
6. A money bush or quarter cactus
Not having money to eat sucks. Not having money to do anything with your friends sucks. Not having money to put gas in your car to go home and beg your parents for a small loan of a million dollars sucks. Hence, I recommend going out to your local gardening store and gather up a pot, potting soil, and a money bush. This crazy crop really does make money grow on trees, and it'll make it so you never run low on cash again. If for some reason you choose not to go with this one, I still recommend at least getting one of the cheaper quarter cacti. The things are literally stalks of quarters, and you'll almost always need quarters for doing laundry.
7. Bob's Bottomless Barrel
Bob's Bottomless Barrel is just what it sounds like: a bottomless barrel. What is in this barrel of never-ending things, you ask? Take a guess. We've covered a near infinite source of money, pencils, and time. What could be left? Socks. That's right. This patent pending barrel serves up an endless supply of socks for you to dig through. Different barrels offer up different styles and colors; the barrels are as customizable as you, the consumer. No more will you have to pray to the laundry gods you still have one mate hiding somewhere in your giant pile of semi-clean clothes. Fresh scented socks are always only a reach away!
8. Personal teleporter
This one will probably be more popular among commuting students, but it has practical usage for students of all kinds. A personal teleporter allows you to arrive at whatever class or destination you seek without having to drive to get there. You don't have to walk or bike, either. You press a button, and you are magically transported! You'll be able to effectively maximize all other ways you spend time at college; you'll never have to account for traveling time again! Do note, however, that the personal teleporter does occasionally glitch out and take you somewhere you may not have wanted to go.
9. Automated [free] food delivery (A[F]FD)
Food is great. Free food is better. At the beginning of the semester, you may be able to sate your hunger with all the on-campus events going around, but what happens when the free food runs out? You subscribe to a service that will continue to bombard you with free food until the day after finals. A(F)FD works on a subscription based service for as many semesters as you want it to. Fresh, free food is delivered to whatever your current location may be. This is an essential service for all the late night study binges in your future, parties you may attend, or lazy nights at the dorm. The best part of the entire service is its affordability on a college budget; who can't afford free!? Just don't ask where the food comes from, because I have no idea!
10. NeverFilth
NeverFilth is one of the latest and greatest in cleaning products. What makes it so great, you ask? You didn't? Well, I don't care, and I'm gonna tell you anyway! NeverFilth eliminates the need for excess bulk buying of cleaning supplies. It completely prevents a surface from becoming dirty again once it's been NeverFilthed. (The bottles say for up to ten years, but I hope you're done with college by that point so it no longer matters.) Now, you won't have to spend any time cleaning before visits or room inspections; everything will always be magically cleaned without you having to lift another finger! It's like your mom has followed you to college and is constantly cleaning and scrubbing behind you, but you never actually see her.
11. Parental Answering Service
The Parental Answering Service is a neat little tool designed so you no longer have to answer phone calls, text messages, or anything from your parents! It solves all the problems of them annoying you when you're out with your friends or trying to study. It's not like you could answer and tell them you'll call them back in just a little bit, could you? You've just gained what you think is a wonderful amount of independence, so why would you want to report in to your parents or respond to them when they want to check on you? It's not like they love you more than literally anything and don't support or want the best things for you, right? Why would you ever want to take time away from your Netflix binge to answer the phone?
At this point, I hope you understand these products don't exist (yet). There's no magic money machine to grant you paper or plastic whenever you need it, there's no way to guarantee you eat unless you decide to get up and go yourself, there are no ways to excel in the classroom without spending at least a little time cracking the books, and there is definitely no reason you shouldn't still talk to your mom and/or dad when they want to know how college is going for you. You may feel you're grown, but you've got a whole new chapter of life starting just ahead of you. New responsibilities, hobbies, and friends await you; you should always be excited for it. Just don't lose sight of what it takes to keep moving ahead. Oh, and do laundry regularly. There's not much worse than running out of clean clothes in the middle of the week.
