I know of many a person out there who despises the thought of Christmas music being employed prior to the week of the arrival of the good baby Jesus. Many of these folk may simply be tired of hearing "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" at Kroger. To add to this, a large number of people don't celebrate Christmas to begin with, and on a sadder note, many people associate the holidays with loss, depression and stress. So it is for these wide variety of yuletide-deficient beings that I propose the reclaiming of Christmas music. People already do it all the time with "My Favorite Things" for some god only knows reason. Let's make Christmas songs feel like they're really just about boring, everyday things - which really, shouldn't every song be that relatable? Half of these songs were about a fat dude breaking and entering anyways.
1. Silent Night
To be used when your living mates are being too loud and you are feeling neither "calm" nor "bright." To be sung as metal as possible.
2. Santa, Baby
For those times when you need a booty call from your sugar daddy who is going to come down your "chimney."
3. Baby, It's Cold Outside
For when you need an excuse to get away from a sexual predator.
4. Let it Snow!
To be played at any time that it is snowing, which Christmas has yet to trademark.
5. Winter Wonderland
For when you need to tell your Parson Brown-clown-looking snow dude that he can "do the job" when he's in town and that you'll be playing "the Eskimo way." Or if you're just wondering where the bluebirds have gone.
6. What Child is This?
For when you find a lost child at the grocery store.
7. Sleigh Ride
For all those times you need to catch a ride to Farmer Gray's.
8. White Christmas
Here's a fun game, just replace the word 'Christmas' with 'privilege,' and you have a new supremacist rallying anthem!
9. Little Drummer Boy
For when you're too poor to buy a baby shower gift and you have only your bare minimum musical skills to offer.
10. Mary, Did You Know?
When you want to mansplain to someone named Mary that she does in fact have a cool child.
11. It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Everything about this song is ambiguous. Feel free to apply it to any part of the year that you find most wonderful and/or when you find anything or anyone to be wonderful.
