If you’re a total political junkie like me, then you’ve probably been following this Presidential election with a mix of hope and abject dread. That dread has, for the most part, come from one major source: Donald J. Trump. Look, I’m not gonna give a hu--I’m sorry, yuuuge spiel about why Trump is basically a human pile of trash. I already did that on Fresh U a couple months back, and you can check that out if you want. But even faced with the prospect of a violence-inciting, bigotry-enabling, tiny-handed mess who eats his pizza with a fork and knife like a disgusting animal--Donald, you’re from New York! Pick it up with your hand and fold it in half!--there are still people who are more concerned about Hillary Clinton being President than Trump. In fact, one of my co-workers here at The Odyssey--I use that term loosely, since she goes to a school thousands of miles away and each college’s branch does their own thing--wrote a list of 100 things she would rather do than vote for Hillary, and it blew the hell up.
Now, I’m not trying to call this person out, even if that article fit right in with the stereotype that the writers for this site are all conservative white girls. In fact, I’d like to thank her, because her list got me thinking. I know that, as a self-identifying liberal who voted for Bernie Sanders in the primaries, I’d never vote for Donald Trump, just as she would never vote for Hillary Clinton. But how far would I go to not vote for Trump? How ludicrous of a choice would I be willing to mark on my ballot this November? There was only one way to find out. I had to make a list of my own. These are 100 people (and things) I would rather vote for than Donald Trump.
1. Bernie Sanders
2. Hillary Clinton
3. Jill Stein
4. Gary Johnson
5. Kamala Harris
6. Loretta Sanchez
7. Elizabeth Warren
8. Jennifer Granholm
9. Any of my friends from Youth & Government and/or CONA
10. Kanye West
11. Kendrick Lamar
12. Lil B the BasedGod
13. Eric B
14. Gucci Mane
15. Gucci Mane’s alleged clone
16. Mike Jones (who?)
17. Mike Jones (who?)
18. Mike Jones (who? okay, fine, I’ll stop)
19. John Cena
20. Pentagon Jr.
21. Roman Reigns (bonus points if he steals the Republican nomination)
22. Zombie Reagan
23. Jesus
24. Tax cuts
25. A gun
26. A sandwich
27. Obama again
28. Bill Clinton’s idiot brother
29. Joe Biden, as portrayed by The Onion
30. Sarah Palin, as portrayed by Tina Fey
31. Howard Dean, as portrayed by Dave Chappelle
32. Richard Nixon’s head in a jar
33. Kang
34. Kodos
35. Cthulhu
36. The Zodiac Killer
37. The Zodiac Killer’s Vice Presidential nominee
38. A demonic sheep
39. Carly Fiorina’s face on a boomerang
40. John Kasich
41. The balanced budget John Kasich loves more than his own wife
42. The free food John Kasich ate on the campaign trail
43. The free balanced budget John Kasich ate on the campaign trail instead of his own wife
44. The picture book Ben Carson’s staff reads to him before his primetime debate nap
45. Scott Walker’s bald spot
46. Everybody Mike Huckabee unwisely tried to attach himself to during his campaign
47. Rand Paul’s flashes of sanity
48. All the total randos who didn’t even get into the Republican debates
49. The white person Bobby Jindal had painted for his governor’s portrait
50. Several gallons of santorum
51. Rick Perry’s smart boy glasses
52. All the ideas Lindsey Graham stole from John McCain
53. Let’s dispel with this fiction that this is a Marco Rubio reference. This is not a Marco Rubio reference.
54. Let’s dispel with this fiction that this is a Marco Rubio reference. This is not a Marco Rubio reference.
55. Let’s dispel once and for all with this fiction that this is a Marco Rubio reference. This is not a Marco Rubio reference. (See? There it is again!)
56. The hopes and dreams Chris Christie left behind when he endorsed Trump
57. The exclamation point in “Jeb!"
58. That guy Jim Webb killed in Vietnam
59. A book called “But It Was My First Day!”: The True Story of Lincoln Chafee
60. 100% clean electric grid by 2050
61. Martin O’Malley’s hardcore supporter
62. El Chapo
63. The shovel El Chapo used to dig his way out of prison that one time
64. The song “El Chapo” by The Game and Skrillex
65. The entire cast of the movie Get Shorty
66. The Gang from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
67. My own dang self
68. Onion Bubs
69. Haha, nice
70. The Department of Environmental
71. A Big Gulp from 7-Eleven
72. Evidence of people in New Jersey celebrating 9/11
73. A tiny wall on our northern border that Donald Trump paid for himself
74. Two Corinthians
75. Blood from Megyn Kelly’s wherever
76. A normal-size pair of hands
77. A full, natural head of hair
78. John Boehner
79. Hulk Hogan
80. The cast of Jersey Shore
81. Anyone who actually has naturally orange skin
82. An actual orange
83. An orangutan
84. The Spanish language
85. The New Jersey Generals’ all-time roster
86. Trump Steaks
87. Trump Vodka
88. Trump Water
89. Trump Mortgage
90. A degree from Trump University
91. Any of Donald Trump’s failed casinos
92. The entire American Latino community
93. The entire American Muslim community
94. Any immigrant in America
95. The 95-96 Bulls
96. Anyone from any American community Donald Trump insulted before his campaign
97. Anyone from any American community Donald Trump insulted during his campaign
98. Anyone from any American community Donald Trump didn’t insult during this campaign, but who stands against Trump anyway
99. Anyone from any American community not named Donald John Trump
100. Anyone who eats pizza using their hands like a normal human being
Seriously, can someone teach Donald that concept, or do we have to kick him out of New York and force him to use New Jersey as his home state?
