College is a journey. You move to a brand new place, meet all new people, and find out who you REALLY are, just like in "Zoey 101" before real life Zoey got pregnant (be safe kids, was that even college or some crazy rich kid high school?). And on this journey, you may at one time or another, or maybe even every weekend, find yourself in a dark basement surrounded by 100 other sweaty 19-year-olds trying to push to the front of the bar manned by another sweaty 19-year-old. And if you're really lucky, you won't even have to go to the bar because someone will bring a drink TO YOU in the form of it being spilled on your brand new shoes.
This magical land of drawn curtains and male dominated beer games is known in some countries as "frat party," a place where nice college girls and smart college guys get together to awkwardly stand on opposite ends of the room until they're drunk enough to actually speak words to each other besides, "Do you have a text?" But don't get me wrong, frat parties can be a lot of fun. There's just a couple of things they could do better.
If you, or a friend, or especially your frat, happen to be throwing a party anytime soon, here are some things that will dramatically improve it.
1. Air conditioning.
I don't know who thought it would be a good idea to stick a bunch of teenagers in a basement, try and get them to dance, and then not have AC, but let me tell you, I hate them. Everyone just gets gross and sweaty, and as surprising as it may be, this is not the optimal condition for any type of party. This would be for three main reasons:
- Nobody looks good all sweaty. No one. I don't care how hot you are in the daytime, you are not Edward Cullen, and it is not a "glisten." Girls work hard to look good for parties, and then we get there and five minutes in we look like we just got out of a pool filled with sweat.
- I would rather go outside and be freezing than stay inside and literally die. Therefore, I won't be inside to flirt with you. Therefore, you lose.
- Being hot and sweaty does not inspire me to want to do a lot of activity, for example, dance, especially not dance within three feet of anyone, and I DEFINITELY don't want them touching me. Aka, you lose, again.
2. More elevated surfaces.
I don't know what it is, but girls at parties LOVE getting up on high surfaces that aren't meant to be stood on. Maybe it's a power thing. Maybe they want to scope out the room, or maybe they just enjoy putting themselves in imminent danger, but they eat it up. Getting on a table takes a girl from doing the "side to side sway" to full on doing something similar to the Harlem Shake and takes the party to a similar level. And even if it doesn't, at least it will look like it in the Snapchat, and isn't that all that really matters?
3. Girly alcohol.
Basically, everyone loves a nice, girly drink. Guys pretend they don't, and that they only want manly men drinks like whiskey or rubbing alcohol, but really, every guy loves a good tequila sunrise. And okay, it is a little more expensive, but really when it comes down to it, you've already taken $500 of your parents money to buy 100 cases of Natty Lite and 20 handles of Skol, just so that you can not let anyone take shots anyways, so the extra $5 for a bottle of margarita mix really isn't going to brake the bank, and will dramatically improve your frat party.
4. AIR CONDITIONING!
Do I need to say it again? Come on, it's Dante's Inferno down here!
5. Keep the lights off!
Sometimes some "bro" will need to find something and have the brilliant idea to turn the lights on. This makes me think two things: the party is over, or "oh god everyone can see me and this crop top and booty shorts I'm wearing, even though it's 20 degrees outside." The party being over is probably the lesser of these two evils, because it only makes you surprised for a second. That is, unless everyone leaves because YOU TURNED THE LIGHTS ON. With the second thing, however, all hell could break loose.
Now I'm hot, thinking the party is over, and I know how gross I probably look, but I can also see the gross state the room is probably in from spilled beer during the inevitable dance floor make outs. And even worse for everyone, now we can see the dance floor make outs. I hope your confident, couple making out in the corner, because now we know exactly who you are and who you're hooking up with. And even worse still, now YOU can see exactly who you're hooking up with.
6. Better music.
"Yo I'll tell you what I want what I really really want," and it's fun music that I can actually dance to with my friends. And no, that doesn't mean playing the same most recent top 10 pop song 14 times an hour. You are allowed exactly one taylor swift song an hour and at MOST one rap song. It's like you think we want to hear a song enough times to choreograph a full high school musical routine, when all we really want is to not start bleeding out of our ears.
On the other hand, play as many throwback songs as you want. I've never seen any person not lose their shit at "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" song or get low in their apple bottom jeans. But, warning, the cha cha slide just does not count. We're almost adults, not at a bar mitzvah.
Also, Beyonce. Always Beyonce.
7. More tables for games!
Yes, at any and all frat parties you will be able to find a sticky white fold up table with a bunch of guys around it getting far too loud and excited about getting a tiny white ball into a red solo cup. Congrats, you should be in the NBA. But here's the problem. These guys are all having a great time being manly men and smacking the crap out of cups (that did nothing to deserve it may I add; I'm sorry, cup, you deserve better, like a nice brunch or picnic), while meanwhile there are 10 girls standing around the table just trying to get in on the fun. And here's a secret, boys, the girls who want to play may not be as good as your "brother," but there's a reason they want to play with you, and you are doing it wrong if you pass that up just so you can be the best sweaty boy getting the most ping pong balls into a cup eight ft away. Think about it.
So come on guys, get some more tables, approximately 1000 extra ping pong balls, grow some balls, and play with us!
8. Snacks.
Snacks would literally solve all of the world's problems at a frat party. (Because all the world's problems happen to be had at a frat party.) Snacks are not only great ice breakers, but they are also give people something to do and talk about. "Oh hey, do you want to come grab some chips?" YES! Bam! Instant friends. Snacks would also solve a lot of problems with getting sick.
A lot of times if people actually ate something before they went out, they wouldn't be hurling their guts up twenty minutes into the party. What are you even throwing up? You didn't eat anything! And besides, if there were snacks at a frat party, it would be my favorite party ever! What person at a party doesn't want food? I don't care how tight my top is, show me chips at a party and I'm yours forever. Marry me?
9. Fun themes.
A great theme brings a party to a whole new level. First off, you are basically telling a girl exactly what to wear. This saves time when picking out an outfit and also gives us an excuse to take any outfit and "stultify" it. Oh, it's an animal theme? Sexy cat! America theme? Sexy baseball player! I don't know who was the first person to show up in a black crop top and spandex and then add cat ears and call it a costume, but I wonder if she knows what a trend she set.
Basically, themes make everything more fun, and honestly, then you just get to go to other parties later dressed in ridiculous outfits and get to say that no matter what dumb thing you're wearing, it's fine because you were at theme party.
10. And finally... actually dance.
Guys at frat parties are really good at three things: playing beer games (see above), drinking beer, and avoiding the dance floor like it's the damn plague. And when they do dance, they creepily come up behind you and start dancing on you like your acceptance is not required. Im sorry, who invited you? Goodbye. But after first quarter/semester, the guys realize that that's not okay, and stop dancing all together.
So then, why did you come? To talk to your "brothers" and hide in a corner? No, this isn't the elementary school playground anymore and girls do not have cooties. We came here to see YOU! So come dance with us! Pretend you actually want to be there and dance like a human being, or at least a drunk college kid, and maybe, just maybe, we'll give you your cootie shot.
