1. The Wannabe Lumber Jack
Nowadays, everyone who can grow facial hair past the stubble stage claims they’re ‘lumbersexual’ when in fact, they look like the latest member of a band of old bikers with beards. Women don’t want to have a scraggly, long beard ruining their pictures or practically eating their faces when they want to share a kiss. This look says you either don’t care enough to shave or you’ve been stuck inside Jumanji for the past 20 years.
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2. The Sandpaper
Also known as “5 O’clock Shadow”, this beard is the roughest of the rough. The lightest touch can feel like being stabbed with a thousand miniature needles resulting in rashes and red marks galore. Men, please take this advice: SHAVE YOUR STUBBLE. Women want to touch your face, and somehow I feel you want them to touch it too, so please say goodbye. The sandpaper says you just rolled out of bed and you may or may not have put on clean underwear today.
3. The Hipster
This type of facial hair is unlike the rest. It’s most likely groomed with products you’ve never heard of *insert eye roll here* with flakes of kale stuck in it. Women don’t want you to spend more time primping your facial hair than spending time with them. The hipster tells us that although your facial hair has more Instagram likes, you probably still put your skinny jeans on one leg at a time like the rest of us.
4. The Patches
Although big and full beards are some people’s forte, having patchy facial hair is a no-go. The best way to combat this epidemic of sporadic hair is to pick up that trusty razor and do the go-to baby face. This look is the between stages of ‘this is my first chin hair’ and ‘the wannabe lumber jack’.
5. The ‘This Is My First Chin Hair’
There comes a time in every young man’s life when puberty hits like a Mac truck and they begin to grow their first facial hairs. Listen boys, everyone knows that the first hair holds a special place in your hormone filled heart, but that lone ranger is exactly that, alone. You may be proud of that hair, but women don’t really see it how you do. They see someone who is on the verge of being an official man-child that won’t shave that one little lonely hair.
6. The Neckbeard
The neckbeard is that patch of hair between the bottom of the chin all the way down to the collarbone, or lower (sometimes it merges with chest hair *shudders*). A true neckbeard is like ivy; it starts growing and the next thing you know, you have hair from up here to down there. This style says you probably don’t even own a razor.
7. The Creepy Mustache
Mustaches have been around since the beginning of facial hair but certain types of mustaches carry the creep factor. Everyone can envision those pencil mustaches that practically catcall all by themselves. If you’re going for the mustache look, at least make it clean. The creepy mustache tells women to stay away like the big red warning sign.
8. The Sole Patch
A sole patch is like the mustaches douche-y cousin who makes inappropriate jokes at family functions. We see them but tend to avoid them because let’s face it, the bottom lip strip isn’t as cool as they think. The sole patch says you probably live in your parents basement, not out of need, but because they do your laundry.
9. The Playoff
Every season, whether it be hockey or football, there is a group of men who make a superstitious pact to not shave until their team is out of playoffs. Women everywhere have had to see this progression of scruff, while we would rather be either watching the game or ignoring it altogether. The playoff tells us that the “bro’s” are almost as important as the team you root for, and that you probably have bar nuts stuck in there somewhere.
10. The Chops
Chops are the exact opposite of a goatee, but with extra awfulness. Being a cross between regular hair and sideburns that are out of whack, women know to stay away when they see a man trying to channel their best Wolverine. This look says, ‘While I can grow facial hair, I choose to look like a fictional superhero”.
MORAL OF THE STORY: We appreciate the effort, but not the beard. Do yourself (and us!) a favor, buy a Schick Hydro razor, and clean that up. Hydro is one of the best razors out there, and won’t break the bank. You’re welcome.
