1. The guy who peaked in high school.
Sure he played varsity basketball at (insert really ritzy high school here), but that was 2 years and many Natty Lights ago. Now he's about as close to touching the rim as his shorts are to touching his knees. And as he huffs and puffs up and down the court, his facial expression shows his bewilderment at his decline in ability.
2. The athlete with no discernible basketball skills.
He's between 6 ft. and 6'4, runs and leaps like a gazelle, and for some unknown reason, spends the entire game taking jumpers and getting out-rebounded by guys half his size because he doesn't know how to box out. But he can dunk with ease in pre-game so you pick him for your team every time, and sometimes by his lack of ability during an actual game you wonder if he can even catch a cold.
3. Mr. "Should be Playing Somewhere".
He's the athlete, but he also has good enough handles to break everyone's ankles, then give you the death stare after he hits the jumper in your face. He should probably be playing basketball at a small Division 1 or Division 2 school, or at least community college. Seriously, go somewhere else please because losing games 15-3 at the rec isn't fun for the rest of us.
4. "I know all the rules" guy.
"Stop stop stop! You didn't catch the ball with both feet in bounds! Our ball." He stops play about once every three minutes to make an obscure ruling in a pick up game. Also, there's a decent chance he made up that rule.
If you don't know who this is, go watch Caddyshack right now.
5. Sir talks a lot.
Not sure if he is trying to get in your head or if he's just being friendly, but he really wants to get to know you in the 15-20 minutes you guys are matched up with each other. He's constantly asking questions like "Did you catch the KU game?" "What's your name, man? I'm ______." "What's your major?" "What's your phone number so we can always ball together?" You just want to shoot some hoops and he's trying to set up your online dating profile.
Related: this guy has an evil twin. The trash-talker, who takes pick up ball way too seriously.
6. The high volume shooter.
As soon as the ball crosses half court, you know he's flinging up a shot. Doesn't matter how many people are in his face, if he is balanced or not, or how wide open you are, that ball is going up. He takes roughly 28 shots per offensive possession. He calls for about a billion screens and doesn't use any of them, just to force up a contested jumper without passing the ball once. And the only statistic that matters at the end of the game is that he scored seven of your team's ten points, even though he had to take 47 shots to get those seven points.
(If your team wins the game, he probably made the game winner, which will justify him taking more shots next game.)
7. The headband guy.
This is a recent development with the rising popularity of the man-bun. Guys want one so badly that they wear accessories to make their hair appear longer. Dude, your hair doesn't reach your eye brows, you don't need to pull it back with a headband. Stop the man bun!
8. "Mr. Official".
He matches from head to toe, just like he's out there in front of the 16,300 screaming fans at Allen Fieldhouse. All his shorts and shirt combinations are the same color scheme: his high school colors or the crimson and blue of KU. His socks and shoes match and if you are lucky, you'll see this type of "baller" wearing matching arm/leg sleeves. Look at all those fancy sleeves!
9. The football player.
I'm not talking about the KU football team. I'm talking about the guys who played football or probably wrestled in high school. They don't really know what's going on but they know how Newton's second and third Laws of Motion work and how to throw their weight around. In their defense, they really don't know any better usually, but you can't sack the point guard and you can't under cut a guy going up for a layup.
10. The guy who is just getting his cardio in.
Kudos to you for trying to stay in shape, because it's difficult to do in college. Basketball is a great work out, and if you are okay with getting the ball stolen from you as soon as you touch it, or getting your shot sent up onto the track above the court, then you continue to do you.
