Hello fellow dying human,
The truth is that we’re all going to die someday, at the very least on the inside if you’re part of the Transhumanist party and are planning on not dying. Not that most of us really choose to die. However, with a little foresight we can decide what happens to our decaying husks after our souls are long gone into nirvana, heaven, hell, a higher or lower being, or into the welcoming darkness. Here are some alternatives to being really gross pirate treasure. In fact, some of these options are very eco-friendly, in case you’re planning on being a mindful dead person.
1. Like Groot but Not as Awesome
Most of us have seen Guardians of the Galaxy, and thus have met Groot. Groot is an adorably sentient tree that can only say his name like a Pokemon. No, you can’t become Groot after death. BUT you can become a plain old tree that dogs can pee on and birds can copulate in. Exciting prospects. Who knows? If enough people become trees after death, maybe we’ll be kinder to rainforests due to some strange heightened empathy.
2. Someone's Diamond Ring
Diamonds are a rare commodity. It’s a highly scrutinized industry due to the blood diamonds that finance war in conflict zones. Some companies, like Brilliant Earth, claim to truly sell conflict free diamonds. But I say, if you’re even 1% unsure, why not turn yourself into a diamond? Maybe your family can sell your diamond (with a death certificate for authenticity) to someone who really wants to be 100% sure.
3. Goop and Cocaine
If you really love the environment, this might be the way to go. They say on their site that it is “for those of you who have lived your lives with a very acute environmental awareness and concern for our planet and have consistently recycled and made green choices that have the least impact on the environment. Resomation certainly allows you with your end of life funeral choice to express that concern in a very positive manner.” In other words, be consistent. You become pure white powder, the color of your soul for all the bottles you recycled.
4. Compostable Like Cow Pies
This method doesn’t really transform you. The worms and other critters get to feast on you sooner because you’re buried in a giant picnic basket. But it’s good! This option, like #3, is great because traditional wood coffins take way too long to biodegrade.
5. Fish Food
If you’ve ever gotten yourself in trouble with mobsters, or you always wanted to, you can literally sleep with the fishes. Eternal Reefs sounds like the cover business a mafia boss would have to dump bodies in the ocean. Don’t be dissuaded by what your loved ones will think, this is actually a declaration of love for every Dory and Nemo in the ocean. Don’t let the reefs die by dying in vain.
6. Cyborg Zombie
These people probably have cocktails with the Transhumanists. Sorry, green juice? Well, if you’re a believer, when you die your body will be stored in cryogenic temperatures to prevent further decay. That done, you will, hopefully, eventually, be revived and restored to your youthful, alive glory. Potentially as a cyborg since the technology to revive you does not yet exist, you would *maybe* return to life in a time when technological enhancements are the norm. Do read the FAQ section on the site, though.
7. Shooting Star
I always thought shooting stars were absolutely beautiful and romantic. But did you know that it’s essentially space trash being burned up in our atmosphere? Now you can wish on dead bodies falling in the sky! Hooray!
8. Modern Mummy
If you didn’t learn about mummies in elementary school, you may have missed that a stick is forced up the nasal passage and the brain is thus liquified(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Excerebration). So this method doesn’t gel well with the other methods. The point is to really preserve your body through an elaborate ritual. Don’t get any ideas about becoming a mummy cyborg zombie. That’s just gross.
According to the site you need a very specific type of metal casket and you need to be buried in a mausoleum or gravesite that does not allow the “ temperature to drop below freezing or rise above 72°.” In other words, this burial type is for the kind of to very rich. Akin to ancient times, if you have so much money you would love an extravagant burial, you should also opt to bury all of your possessions and maybe legally enforce your loved ones to visit you if they want any of that sweet inheritance money.
9. Anatomy Dummy
Some people dream of becoming Ken or Barbie so they opt for plastic surgery. If you dream of being more doll-like after death without the disgusting effects of taxidermy, why not try plastination?
The process takes a full year, but you have all the time in the world so choose this option if you would like to become an anatomy teaching aid.
10. Tree Vitamins
According to this video, in 6-18 months you can become soil as well as food to plants. So if the cryogenic freezing people fail, they can ship you to Promessa so they can turn you into tree vitamins.
Bonus: Cyber Ghost
I’ve always fantasized with the idea of becoming a ghost when I die. Mainly because there are way too many terrifying Asian ghost films. But if you’ve had this dream, too, Dead Social can make it happen by sending messages for you post-mortem. The point is to say good-bye and create closure for you and your loved ones. Or you could use the platform to send scary, cryptic messages to people who were mean to you. Your choice.
So tell me... What do you want to be when you die? Can you guess what your friends would choose?
