Let's face it, there's a reason that the internet, a resource that has almost infinite educational potential, is used mainly for BuzzFeed articles and watching people bang. The reason is because challenging yourself is stupid and learning is scary. The more you learn the more likely you are to change your previously held world views, and if you change those are you even yourself anymore? No, you're not. Are you someone better than who you were? Probably but that's still not the original you and that's lame! In that spirit, allow me to present to you these [Number] things that you already believed before reading this article.
1. Puppies are Cute
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Take a gander at them puppers up there. They're cute as fuck and we all agree on that. Wouldn't it be kind of crazy if I got paid to tell you that kind of stuff? What if I owned a company that made a lot money telling you that? That'd be kinda fucked up.
2. Food Tastes Good
Holy shit that cake looks so good it makes me so hard. I'm serious, I think I could cut diamond with my erection looking at that thing. That might just be me, but we definitely all agree that cake and cookies and ice cream and all the food that is made to taste good tastes good.
3. Super Hot People are Hot
Sure there's lots of hot people I could've chosen from, this was just the easiest because when I type "z" into my URL bar "Zac Efron Shirtless" just pops up. For some reason I've never been able to figure out. But whether its Zac, or Scar-Jo, or J-Law, or Bra-Pitt we can pretty much all agree that super hot people are super hot.
4. Less Than Super Hot People are Still Pretty F*ckable
This is my obligatory non sarcastic post for the article. I think it's awesome that that woman is a model. Models with bodies like ours help us love ourselves more, which in turn makes us love each other more. And by love each other I mean get naked and pound it out in a dark to semi-lit room. Society has pretty much agreed at this point that you don't have to look like Zac Efron to be bangable you pretty much just have to be an average looking person.
5. Kitties are also Cute
Kitties are cute we know that. They're not as high on the list as puppies since you actually get to touch puppies without them getting all pissed off. Again I just feel the need to say, wouldn't it be crazy if something that just told you all of these things in this article over and over again was worth 1.5 billion dollars? I mean we'd all probably feel pretty fucking stupid for letting something like that happenn
6. Target is Great, We Should All Shop at Target
We all love Target, and if you didn't before you probably do now after all these great articles about Target! People love Target so much one Buzzfeed writer's parents actually named them "Target back to school" isn't that crazy? What? That's not his name? Those articles are published by Target themselves after giving Buzzfeed, a site that writes about them all the time, money? Weird, but hey, we still all love Target, we can poo wherever we want there. I mean like, wherever we want. Nobody will notice.
7. This Ford Guy is Pretty Funny, Whoever He is.
Man oh man this Ford guy is a riot. I mean we all must think so if he gets to keep writing so many articles. Look at that one, with the clown, and the one with the timely Rebecca Black reference from two weeks ago. Man what a comedic genius this man must be to-- what? It's Ford like the car company? They can pay to publish articles?
8. Fuuuck really? It's a Scam?
This is kind of fucking my head, all of those articles that talk about the things I already liked are just to make money! Just kidding, this is just another thing on the list that we all already knew. Obviously nobody would run a website for free, that'd be idiotic, what're you trying to do, educate people? Hell no, we already discussed why that's not what the internet is for.
9. Everything Should be More Like Buzzfeed!
That's more like it! Now our news sources are doing what they should've been doing all along! Giving companies ad time and pandering to us. News people have seen that we like vaguely funny articles about things we already thought or that are absolutely useless and that's what they're giving us. We can't really blame them, after all they are just looking to make money and we have clearly showed them that this is the most effective way to do it. That brings us to the final thing we all already know and can agree on.
10. We Can Have the World However We Want it.
As a population we've pretty much all learned that we can have anything the way we want it. We just all just have to show that what we want will make people really really rich and we'll get it. Do we want content free articles with recycled jokes? We get them. Do we want our news outlets talking about KFC Sunscreen and Donald Trump? Our wish is their command. Do we want shitty half finished alphas of high concept video games that never end up getting finished causing developers to realize they just have to come up with cool sounding ideas that never actually make it into the final game and they can charge full price for them even though nobody should ever pay more than $15 dollars for it? We definitely got that. Who knows, maybe one day we'll all stop being so concerned about instant gratification and worry more about the quality of things that we consume that we can actually have what we want. Until then, here's a screen capture of someone mining gold, it'll save you 60 bucks and give you the full experience of owning No Man's Sky.
