You didn't ask for it, but here it is anyway. Definitive proof that hipsters are taking over and ruining everything. Below are examples of things that have been taken from us by those elusive, typewriter using, trendsetters. Beware!
1. Bars/Cafés
Shoreditch may be far away (London) but this bar that serves only cereal for inflated prices could become a reality here too. Why? Who goes out on the town in search of cereal?
2. Guacamole
Just, why? Kale doesn't need to be in everything. Don't mess with a perfect food!
3. Ice cream
These foods do not 'detox' you, and are certainly not tasty. No thank you to kale, cayenne pepper, and spinach in my ice cream. My ice cream!
4. Water
Actually just a bottle of water with some asparagus in it. For $6!! You could but water and asparagus separately for the price of this. Is it even tasty? Why Wholefoods, why?!
5. Lunch
Yes, lunch has now been ruined. Because why use a plate when you could use a dustpan... AND BRUSH?!
6. Festivals
Exhibit Coachella, where the worst people go to appropriate any and all cultures they can think of whilst dancing to increasingly sub-par musical acts. Why ruin festivals? Nobody should be wearing faux Native American headdresses and gushing over this band you've never heard of who only record music made my tiny bacon eating mice. Stop.
7. Mason Jars
Shoutout to all the grandparents who used them unironically. Remember when not everything was served to you in a mason jar? Remember regular glasses? Drink prices being raised just because they are served in a jar that is honestly impractically sized. They used to be cute, now they're beyond basic.
8. Coffee
No longer a simple latte or *gasp* regular cup of coffee, the options are endless and overpriced. Cold brew, Sivet cat poop coffee, heat-surfing, pre-infusion profiling, tamp-dialing... What do those words even mean. Give me the coffee hot, strong, and under $3 please. (Sidenote, I'm a big fan of the move away from coffee corporations though)
9. Glasses
Because specs aren't just for the vision impaired anymore. Why not buy some lens free frames, or ironic nerd glasses that go well with beards, lumberjack shirts, and topknots (another sidenote, in the spirit of honesty I often wear my hair in a topknot)
10. Bacon
Need I say more? Not everything needs to be bacon.
Let's have a real throwback, not to typewriters, but to a time where not everything needed to be coated in 17 layers of irony. When you could just like something without having to make it a joke. Bitter cynicism aside, hipsters are honestly the worst youth counter-culture movement we have seen in a while. Like what you like but don't make the things you like too expensive for regular people. Don't gentrify everything I like and ruin it. I make these anti-hipster jokes aware that a lot of these trends are appropriative and elitist. A lot of people can't afford to continue to live in neighbourhoods filled with hipster retaurants, serving lunch in a dumpster (true story). Let's stop this nonsense and eat food at a table, not in the trash.
