As a server and bartender, I get to hear some pretty insane things every week. I see America’s hind side in clear view at almost every single shift. At work I am required to listen and smile and put my business face on and give the best customer service. However, I would like you to know that if you are saying these things to me or any other server, you should stop.

1.“I don’t tip.”

You don’t tip? That’s fine, then don’t come out to eat. Telling me you don’t tip will never get you a good reaction. I am not going to intentionally give you bad service if you don’t tip but you need to know that I pay tip out on your table whether you tip or not. So if you don’t tip then I am PAYING to wait on your table. So, you suck.

2.“I want the meat from this entrée, the sauce from this other entrée, and can I get like, half of this appetizer as my side item? Oh and give me some of that yummy sauce from the other special item you had 2 years ago as a promo.”

No. If my eyes could roll into the back of my head any farther, I could see my brain. Unless a restaurant specifically offers items “a la carte” with sauce options then STOP IT RIGHT NOW. I cannot count the amount of times someone has come in and ordered some outrageously over customized meal that does not even resemble something we have on the menu. The kitchen hates you, but they can’t see you, so they project their hate onto me. Keep your customizations minimal, this is not Burger King.

3.“This other restaurant makes this, can you make that for me?”

No, but you want to know where you can find that item? The restaurant that you got it at.

4.“This coupon is from 2014 but it is still on your website so will you still honor it?”

Is your milk still good past the expiration date? No? Exactly. If it is past the expiration date it isn’t good.

5.“I have this coupon but I just realized that the entrée I ordered is excluded, can you still discount it?”

Again, no. To be honest I am not sure why this is even a question, if you would have made we aware of the coupon prior to or whilst ordering I would have been glad to direct you towards valid items that the coupon is applicable to. However you did not and now you have already ordered and consumed items from our menu and the coupon is really irrelevant to the meal after that point.

6.“Can you make sure my drink is extra strong? *wink wink*”

Yes ma’am, our extra shots are “$$”. “Oh no I don’t need all that, I just want to make sure you make it good and strong.” THERE IS A RECIPE. I AM GOING TO POUR THE AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL THAT IS IN THAT RECIPE. IF YOU WANT MORE, YOU PAY MORE.

7.“I can’t taste the alcohol in this drink.”

Good. Any good bartender is going to take that as a compliment because contrary to some customer’s belief, you are not supposed to be able to taste the alcohol in a well-mixed drink. If you want to taste your alcohol then order cheaper liquor or add some extra shots. In a good drink, you can’t taste the alcohol but you will feel it.

8.“I’m on my lunch break, I need to be out in 30 minutes.”

Stop it. You drove to a dine in, sit down, restaurant and you need to be sat, waited on, and out of here in 30 minutes?? You don’t seem to understand that even if you told me your drink and food order, which I am sure you won’t, in your first sentence to me, it still takes time to make the food. I cannot teleport and there are other guests. On average, during lunch hour, I would say it takes at least 45 minutes to 1 full hour if not more for a guest to be seated and pay their ticket.

9.“Can I talk to your manager? You need more help in here, you shouldn’t have so many tables at one time!”

NO. STOP. I know you are trying to be helpful and you are genuinely concerned for my well-being. You should be concerned, I have been on my feet for 5+ hours, have only eaten a few French fries or whatever dead food was deemed unfit to serve to customers, the guy at table 9 almost made me cry, and now you want to tell my manager I can’t handle the section I have been working my way up to for months. More tables mean more money, if I look like I am struggling trust me it is because of demanding customers, kitchen mess ups, and unforeseeable minor disasters. However any shift where I do not break into hysterics and walk out of the restaurant is considered “handled”.

10.“You know there is really no such thing as pork fajitas, and guac should never have corn in it, that isn’t authentic.”

There is such thing, it is on our menu. We serve guac that way here. I don’t make those decisions. I get this menu at a team meeting where they give us all our new menu items. I have no control over this whatsoever. Thank you for your concern over the authenticity of this clearly non-authentic, chain restaurant. If you do not like it, do not order it. If it offends you that we have it on our menu, you are more than welcome to choose a different place to dine.