Let’s face it, eating disorders aren’t all that well understood. The general understanding is that people with eating disorders have a dysmorphic view of their body that causes them to go on diets, to binge eat, or to participate in other destructive behaviors for the sake of weight loss. Well, yeah, this is true, but it is also a really limited scope on how EDs can affect a person’s well-being outside of the food itself. Here are some less discussed aspects of having an eating disorder.
1. Internal battle.
On my worst days, I couldn’t think about anything other than food. How many calories had I had that day? Let’s count it up again... just one more time to be safe. I’ll be working out at 4 p.m., so it’s OK that I had those chips today. But I should probably calculate it one more time just to make sure...
2. Moodiness.
I didn’t want to be alone, but I really didn’t want to be with other people. I was so preoccupied with my own internal battle that I became extremely quiet. I am not a quiet person. But the quieter I became, the less people tried to talk to me. The less people tried to talk to me, the quieter I became. Naturally, no one wants to talk to someone who looks pissed off, so I stopped trying all together.
3. Isolation.
Whether you’re stashing snacks for a binge or just hiding out from the world, isolation can be one of the most debilitating aspects of ED. As a highly social person, I couldn’t understand why I was spending so much time alone in my room. I felt safe when I was alone, safe and controlled but completely miserable.
4. Control.
I didn’t understand how people could just eat spontaneously. All of my meals were carefully planned out by amount and time. I didn’t listen to my body when it told me I was hungry. I didn’t listen to my body when it told me I wasn’t hungry. I was in control and any change of plans was distressing.
5. Exhaustion.
When you are literally battling with yourself for hours a day, you wind up feeling pretty exhausted. Existing was tiresome; I spent a lot of the day looking forward to the final hours of the day where I could rest and not feel guilty about it. I slept a lot.
6. Depression.
Eating disorders and depression are, unfortunately, closely related. Often though, when spurred on by the eating disorder, depression leaves as the ED leaves.
7. Loss of identity.
I like to think of myself as a pretty funny person who loves to sing, laugh, and hang out with my friends. But, I wasn’t really talking to many people anymore. I wasn’t singing. There were times when I laughed out loud and realized I hadn’t had a real laugh in several weeks. I didn’t know who I was anymore.
There was actually a moment when I went out for dinner with my friends and for some reason, my real personality came out for about five-minutes. While I was giggling and being silly, my friend told me that this was the happiest she had seen me. I told her that this was the real me. She asked, “Where have you been?”
I didn’t know the answer. I still don't.
8. Self-esteem issues.
Eating disorders were never truly about a weight insecurity; they are a manifestation of the hatred people with ED feel for themselves. Your ED wants you to believe that if you just get abs, you'll feel better about yourself. If you just lose 10-pounds, you'll love yourself. There were days where I was able to logically acknowledge that my stomach looked toned; I still felt empty and unhappy. But on days where I loved myself, it didn't matter whether my stomach wasn't perfectly flat. When I was having a great time with my friends, it wasn't because my thighs were smaller, it was because I was exuding the kind of energy people want to be around.
9. It's a mental disorder.
This seems self-explanatory, but I think it's still important to include. I've harbored a lot of shame over my eating disorder; I've hidden it for a long time because
1. I didn't think I was that sick.
2. I was deeply ashamed of being out of control; it was my fault.
Eating disorders need to be taken seriously like any other illness. They do not just "go away" over time; trust me, I've tried.
10. Recovery.
Being midway through it myself, I still don’t quite understand it. Recovery often doesn’t begin until you hit rock bottom. For me, rock bottom happened when I was seriously considering exercising twice in one day (I was already compulsively working out daily) to work off my food. All I did was have lunch.
Recovery doesn’t mean you stop exhibiting all of the negative behaviors at once. Recovery is making slow steps and falling on every single one. But recovery is getting back up again. Recovery is re-learning how to love yourself in spite of everything your ED is telling you.
Sometimes, recovery is taking a walk and having a free 10-minutes from thoughts of food. Recovery takes form in deviating from my food schedule by eating earlier or later because I was listening to my body instead of my ED. Recovery is going out dancing after months of staying in. Recovery is listening to the entire album of "Hamilton" every day and dancing down the street when nobody’s watching, or even better, dancing when you know people are watching!
Recovery is a radical change in thinking. It challenges everything your eating disorder has forced you to believe while you’ve been its captive. Don't expect results overnight; it can take years to fully recover from years of damaging behaviors and thinking. But recovery is always worth it; you have so much to gain from it and I have never regretted a minute dedicated to loving and becoming my true self.
